cash is thicker than blood

Once again, I really want to talk to someone and can't. Lately I've been venting on social media and it's been nice to get responses, but this time, I need to vent and can't trust anyone.

It's my sister. She's a lying bitch. Always was. I never knew if she cheated too but this seems to be a yes. Mom died and sister informs me that she is sole inheritor and executor and will decide how much of the meagre remains goes to me.

Does not compute.

The song she sang of poverty also, does not compute and fits her style of lying.

Mom was just so damn frugal and closed about it all, she was NOT broke. Besides the house never got sold. It got rented for $1500 a month. Probably to family. Who are probably still there.

Sister filed a will that's over ten years old, naming my father as trustee and he's been gone since ??? I don't even remember when he died, but it's been a LONG time. That's skullduggery.

I wrote the disability advocate for the court asking and she gave me that much info.

I'm screaming in frustration because she also said I had to hire a lawyer. Everyone keeps saying that and the lawyers just say 'pay in advance." 

I just think mom left me her house. I really do. If no valid will exists, then the estate is split between at least me and sister, if not 3 ways with brother. 

But only if the law is followed. I asked again for help making the court do its due diligence becaue what else? 

Honestly this could still save my ass. It's n ot over.

It's been such a roller coaster of hope and despair and through it all I can't let go of thinking I'm moving into the little red float house. Absolutely can't get it out of my deep believing. I drift into happy anticipatory daydreams constantly even knowing it listed as sold last year and I"m broke anyway. But it won't stop. I'm obsessed in a way I never have been before not even when crushing on someone. Like it's real, it's true, and I don't understand the wait. When I walk by the marina I want to greet the residents and introduce myself as a new resident as if I'm there. I want to sneak onto the docks and wander around as if I belong. It's nuts. Absolutely nuts.

And over it all, the shadow figure of my sister like that Ursula from Disney, tendrils and boobs and cheeks and chins all wibbling around, her thin whispy hair floating around her bright red eyes and slathering mouth as she huddles money to her, chanting "mine, all mine,, I deserve it all, it's mine" over and over.

When the time comes to sell the house and they start to beep about the daughter tenant, I already have answers.

'get a mortgage on your house to pay me out my half." "Move the girl into one of the five empty rooms in your large house." "divide your valuable acreage and sell or build on the other half." I mean, come on. Sing for me bitch, no don't, the song is dumb. 

She told me her husband has dementia and it almost got to me but then I remembered who. Maybe, but maybe not. Or maybe it's mild. Or maybe she already has his institution picked out. She mistreated that man wildly when I witnessed them together. Always cutting him down, bad mouthing him to me later, criticising his virtues even. Ick.

Whatever he may manage to put her through before she foists him upon strangers will be just desserts.

I just want $650k and I'm gone. That's all I need. It covers the debts from Dan, the cost of the wee red house (they WILL sell her to me, I'm dead sure) and enough to cover the utilities for a couple years. Then from there I may be able to budget a year or two of frugal living and use that time to heal and find work in theatre. 

Honestly still think I could pull it off if I wasn't a bum. I think my bum status has more hindrance than anyone lets on. Always has. Being an artist living poor but NOT on welfare would make a huge difference. Plus with no cra debt I qualify for UBI and dental from the federal government. Just over and over it works out when I look down this road. All other roads lead to freezing in pain on the street. It feels that dire.

In other news this christmas is far less awful because a woman on Tik Tok made a fundraiser and was able to put together about $2000 which has buffered things as well as letting me replace the bus batteries and belts and we will be fixing the brakes gradually this winter.

If I get more than 650 I will definitely make a trust fund for Dan. I picture him getting his CRA debt paid and at least 20k hidden away to protect him from disability. A buffer so he can get into housing and situated with social workers. For now he wants to live like he is living but if he has options it might be different. Also could potentially ship him back to spokane but that would not be the optimal choice. It might be best for him, but I don't know that and it would have to be judged if it became necessary for any reason. He wants to live exactly as he is currently doing, it suits his attitude. He would like a storage unit for tools and junk and be rid of the trailer. That is all. I would like him to have a place to turn for backup. 

Mind you, his mom is likely to leave him her house, extremely likely, which again, does he sell and use the money or drive down there and move in? Depends when the time comes, eh? On the upside, he is an afternoon's drive from home now. I feel better knowing he could get there and I want him to understand how easily he can run there. See, Dan's family take him in.They make space for him when he's homeless. He does stupid shit, fucks up, and they take him in and put up with him and feed him and give him money. Over and over again.

So yeah, he has that option. He has a daughter and a grandson, and they too would probably make space in their house for him. Like that van dweller who lost his legs and had to move into his daughter's house and she gave him her bedroom, kicked her eldest son into the living room and they made do.  

meanwhile there's my family on acreages in sprawling houses with empty rooms not even a whisper of support. heh No, in fact, they're trying to keep my mother from showing me support after her death, even. Mom knows what she did to me. Brother knew 40 years ago. Sister continues doing it, participating with glee in any opportunity for abuse. Mom had a whisper of a conscience but sister does not. she is dead inside. Did my father do that to her? Maybe. Does that mean it's ok? Of course not. Just like your pain doesn't make mine hurt less.

If I get a whole million, I'll even do some charity. No idea what, because it's a world screaming for help, but probably wildlife, not people. Like Mackay creek Restoration type charity. Because you can save a million people today and another million tomorrow and keep going. But the restoration done fifteen years ago continues to enrich lives both human and non human and will for as long as it's allowed to be there. $10 spent on the environment is worth $10M spent on people and that's a harsh reality for the people. The very people I might instead help are the ones destroying the park right here, right now.  

I mean, they gather all the forest debris, leaving the floor denuded. they burn it. Starting fires wily nilly. they litter most foul, it's like a landfill site at times. They hack down trees for fun. Spray paint on stuff, create more tracks, dig up the shore, run dogs constantly through the creek, stomp down the underbrush and quarrel all day like sparrows. I would sooner pay into rewilding trusts than people. 

Ok, so yeah, meanwhile my sister would be enjoying a "last mexico vacation" and all her trips in the last five years have been "the last one because Barry" so huh. He forgot something one day and she's been calling it dementia ever since? Ironic if she got dementia first. I never hated her before 2019. Even then I felt sympathy for her. Mom thought I was nuts to feel anything for her and now I understand. Mom knew. That's why there migth be a newer will, you see, that Carola is not submitting.

I wouldh hire a lawyer if I could, honestly, but it's quite beyond my mental capacity. The fact I have a great vocabulary does not allow me the skills to navigate the obstacles I face. It takes more. You need to know what sorts of words are wanted and to whom and how to get those words to them.  

I'm just praying this disability advocate is a hero. I need a hero type right now. The court person who emailed me back. 

Ok. my nerves should be able to cope now. It's back to waiting because I won't hear from them today. Hope not till friday, frankly, because unless it's good news I can't take that much in one week. It won't be good news right away.

Hmmm, if she can't find the listed trustee because he's dead, they appoint one? Then that person can oversee my sister? that migth be all it takes!!

I don't give a fuck if I get the whole amount or a percentage, if it even only clears my CRA debt so I can apply for benefits. Just that much. So I can apply for jobs and benefits.

That fucking bitch. She knows. She is an active sadist.  

Ohhhh.

oh that explains why she

Why she let her daughter spend vacations alone with my parents.

Why she didn't bat an eye over the image of my father bathing said daughter naked in a lake on a rock as if every grandpa plays skinny dipping with his grand daughter.

I couldn't understand. If Sister had been treated as my brother says she told him, then why would she trust her daughter with him? Unless she hates her daughter like she hates me, and it tickled her sadism funny bone to see her daughter suffer.

Her son is me. The scapegoat. The one most hated. I saw it in him. If i was going to reach out and save anyone, it would be him. If I could. I mean, flotilla won't have room for roommates and I never will, but money changes everything, right? I could do with the bitch's money what the bitch wouldn't. But maybe the kid is either too crazed or has healed and is doing okay. That's the thing, I can't know. I have no way to communicate to anyone but Carola anymore (I am sure that's her doing) and so when this probate business concludes, so does the last tie to eastern canada. Honestly this will has been the only motivation for me to keep trying. I never felt like it was soothing anyone's anguish or building anything for the future. Not with these people. They didn't let me in as a baby, why would they now?

Deserve? Bullshit word. You get what you can grasp, keep what you care for, and nothing else is real. I have a short reach, tiny hand, and weak arm, but I am reaching and grasping nonetheless. Because I need. Genuinely need in the most honest way possible.

I usually only take what I need. Unlike the others in my family who take extra for self assurance. Then they look askance at me as if I was undeserving when the resource runs out and they have it all and I haven't any. 

The thing that galls me most is my sister's habit of repeating worn out phrases of family unity as if she intended to act on them. Does she mean to force others to act on them in her favour? I don't understand that. Blood is thicker than water but that doesn't mean anything else. Just nope. It's not a metaphor for real life because, you see, our love was as tenuous as a long distance phone call charge. Yep, .10c/minute was enough to break that iron bond of love.

I am laughing like a maniac right now. Damn.