I don't live in the same world as you

I drove 45 mins to an event that starts tomorrow because I got my days mixed up.  LOL  I don't mind. The car is efficient and I enjoy driving it. The traffic was smooth and easy and the journey interesting. Further, tomorrow it will be far less unnerving looking for the place, even if it generates extra traffic on the way in to make it more stressful. I also discovered a funky dutch cafe.  I can't afford to be doing restaurants but had to burn an hour till 1pm when doors opened, but for participants to start setting up for tomorrow. Some of the stuff already in the building was quite exciting.

Anyway, it hardly used any fuel, the guage is still showing full. I can't get over the size of this whole lower mainland area and all the different tower centers.  it was a lot more rural the last time I was here. Things have changed dramatically. It was also kind of refreshing to be in farmland again. I was raised in rural, and saskatchewan has a distinctly agrarian feel even in the city. Surrey is the agrarian district and felt a bit familiar in that regard. I felt like I could navigate it easily in my bus, too.  I did not see any sign of RV enclaves, however. It also seems distant from services. I looked it up and I could choose to go by transit and it's a short walk across the park to the event.  However I am truly hoping to find a spinning wheel and would rather bring it home in the car. Plus the time difference is dramatic.  Driving, 40-50 mins depending on time of day and direction.  Transit, 2.5hours. if you're smooth and lucky with the transfers. Cost is going to be close to $10 too round trip but the car?  heh. $25 for the tank.  It didn't even use the top-up, so, $2 round trip? Maybe $4.  And I get to drive, and the car gets exercise and rust cleaned off her brakes and the engine heated and the battery charged.  All in all, it's a groovy drive if you don't mind freeways.  

I was thinking as I drove through another soundwall "tunnel" with no view beyond the vast array of lanes going hither and thither and yon. Back in the day, you could sigh see as you drove and take in a lot of the country as you went without having to stop constantly Now, however, you would have to pull off the freeway and through the suburbs pretty much every time to get a look at the cities themselves.  A road trip is not really about the journey so much anymore as it is the destination. Because the journey is a long asphalt ribbon between concrete walls with the occassional view from a hill top or bridge.

Pity that.  Makes it harder to explore.

Well the trip was fun. 

There was one thing that stood out as remarkable for me.  The patch of blue sky that remained over my head the entire drive. 

No, but seriously. All around nothing but grey and clouds and rain, but above me, big old hole in the clouds and the bright sun beaming down.

I couldn't figure if it was torturing me with brightness or smiling and giving me blue skies.  Or maybe it was taking my beloved rain, or maybe saving me the unpleasantness of drivig in rain. I just went ahead and enjoyed the drive.  LOL  So many town centers with sky scrapers everywhere, though!  It's so wild! 

I don't necessarily have to live in north vancouver, but I do feel like the only house I want in all the world is that little red one down on the inlet.

I looked it up the night my last lottery ticket failed, and it's price had dropped even more.

But then the marina has been having news reports about being unsafe and people having to leave their houses as things go floating free. this should help discourage people from buying my house while I wait for the revolution of the universe to take it's turn.

Watching international news, specifically the USA, has been painful in the extreme.  I can't do anything and nobody seems able to do anything and real harm is being done to thousands of innocent people already.

Oh, the fair? 

It's a fiber fair.  I have allocated all my assistance income for it if necessary, the goal is a cheap portable spinning wheel, espinners considered, and some silk for spinning, and maybe some natural colors other than white, like silver, brown or black or mixed.  or perhaps something just special and exiting to spin with. It has to be worth going hungry over, though. Also will be watching for tiny turkish spindles for extra fine spinning like my spool does.

It is entirely possible I"ll come home empty handed, of course.  the tools might be too expensive and the fibers too pedestrian.  I have far too much wool, good wool, and dyeing it too easy, to starve for a little prepared wool, pretty or not, cheap or not.

Flax is also interesting if it's stupid cheap and it won't be. But really, we'll be looking for something special in that regard. Not so much value added special, sorry, preppers.  I am literally giving up groceries for this.

I swore to myself to go all in on this fiber stuff. The spinning, weaving, knitting, etc.  The field is broad, extremely broad, but nevertheless I have committed to it as a focus. No matter what else I am doing, that will be along for the ride. Whatever else I spend on, that art will take a priority. When I have idle time, only something profitable, like fluting, will get in the way of working with the textiles.  Whether that is lace making or wool combing or rug tying or button wrapping.  All of it is one giant puddle of make, and I"m HERE for it.

Oh, and I finally made my first sketch of the rainbow cloud dress plan for the fabric that waits. I need to settle on the straps and how they work and what I want to do to cloud up the shoulders.  The wearer of this dress may not feel comfortable with her shoulders full out but the dress is a simple strap sheath with a sheer silver bubble.  out of that, I could make sleeves.  But I'm inclined to knit up a lace shawl to go with it.  Perhaps the one I"m spinning on now.

If only I knew her measurements, LOL, but I am not ready to work on her dress yet anyway. I need larger space in which to work, no question.

I picked a pharmacy. It's a bit of a tramp through downtown, and I keep getting lost, but it's in the gay district so I keep hoping it leads eventually to community. For now they're going to work on getting my hrt back up and running. they need my file from saskatoon, and then approval on the refills, and then they're waiting on back order and if it'sfrom the USA, it could be an issue. They won't use my bottles, sealed or not, labled or not, only what they themselves have dispensed. I might be able to find a place willing to use mine, but I can't do the asking so fuck it. I'll keep the stuff for when my nerves let me do myself again like I used to.  Really it's having a bath that makes a difference. Then if there is a shortage I can bridge it with my back stock at home.  I doubt the stuff ever expires, it's sealed from the air and sanitized.

I worry about my cognition. I pray it's the stress and bad diet and mold. I  pray my brain recovers when I'm housed and take some shrooms on friday nights. There's a place to go buy them in a store, too, which is awesome.  I could get them measured in microdoses instead of guessing, LOL

So there's the weak thumbs things.  It's gotten worse.

But it's the spelling, the word losses, and the missing mapping function that are freaking me out.

I never ever forgot how to spell a word before this winter. Not once in my life.

I never had trouble grabbing the word I wanted, especially common words, before this winter. Suddenly, I lose words. Easy or hard words, they just aren't there for a while.

Mapping.  I never got lost in my life. I lost other people, like my parents, but was not lost in the environment. Send me into the woods, I will come out where I mean to. Even last year in the island I was marching off into the park woods off path, following deer trails and rabbit paths to cut across unknown places that I'd had a few clues about.  I simply never lost track of direction. Whether a new city or a wilderness or a dark room, my brain builds a map as I go, like some kind of LIDAR tracker, and I remember it.

But not this winter.

Suddenly I can't remember a map I used to know.  A map I study over and over on my phone but then can't remember after walking one block. I keep seeing places I recognize but can't remember in situ information about what's behind or past them or even what direction I am pointed!  I never lost track of direction before this winter.

So yeah, these things are scaring me. The losing track of days is old hat for me.  It is primarily caused by unemployment making the subject largely irrelevant.b  Then toss in a lot of weed and I get cross eyed and forget it's after midnight or whatever and get my days mixed up.  I've lost chunks of time like that all my life. Sometimes I seem to be repeating the same day, other times I seem to lose a day.  Or hours. I mean, I was there, doing art or something, but the time seems to speed by when I'm not paying attention, you know?  Or yes, whole days just vanish.

I never really thought of it as an aberration so much as caused by my unscheduled lifestyle.

However these latest anomalies worry me. i pray they are stress related, not dementia.

Do the patients know they are having issues? I know they rarely discuss it, but would they like this? 

hm.

i still think I need time off stress and weed to assess my mental state.

The workbc assessment still is not heard from and the rep down there has ignored my last email for a week. I wonder if I'm ditched for being worthless or something.

Well next week I guess I go in.

I have another assessment with someone at the disability asessment office next week, not sure what it's all about but I guess we are focusing on my adhd.  I'm bugged that the autism is not focused on, as it's my biggest handicap but it remains too much of a mystery so they're inflating my adhd symptoms to fit the parameters.  It's ok, because I do deserve PWD and any way we can estabilish it, once done, it's done and my specific conditions can change and whatever without affecting my status.   But it bugs me because honestly I've overcome a lot of the adhd problems and i"m damn proud, and because this makes me feel like I'm establishing a false narrative for personal gain even though it's a gain to which I am definitely entitled, due a narrative that is being ignored.

Get it?  Plus it means feeling like I'll be found out as a liar and disqualified, which is a terrible thing and worries me.

But I do have adhd and I do struggle with a lot of the adhd issues.

So it's not a lie. But it might be hyperbolic?

grr.  The autistic in me hates ambiguity.  The pragmatist prays it's enough.