late november in purgatory

It's been awhile because I've had people to speak to and Tik Tok to broadcast to.

It's been a wild ride of mostly stress. I go from hope to despair like a pingpong, but mostly find myself dropping into the hope side like it's a drug. And it is. It offers me all the same things.

But here's the rub, each time I think it's done, something changes. In this case, my mother has left. Now it's about her estate, and was there one? The house appears not to have been sold. Was it transferred? Was there any money left? 

Whew.

The house got listed as sold, but I still think I could put in an offer through the real estate agent. I strongly suspect they delisted instead of sold. Nothing about it physically has changed. Not the furnishings nor their arrangment.

So it's wait and worry and hope and wonder.

On other topics, I finally got someone to help me get somewhere with the system. It's not fast, but it's supportive and that's enormous as I move into winter. She also fundraised for me and I was able to replace my bus batteries and renew my mailbox. Two urgent issues. The brakes are still urgent yet not, because hey, if I get an inheritance for christmas, I can deal with the bus brakes easily. I can hire a damn flatbed to haul me to the parking lot, move into my home, then hire a tow to take the bus to a shop for a full makeover. I'm not talking pimp my ride, but import me please. Or either, sold to a mariner for the engine and maybe someone else wants the storage unit on wheels. It'll be the usual end for a bus, and that's normal enough in a buse's lifespan. She had some great adventures both before me and with me. But also, maybe Dan wants to live in her? Because that could be an option and we maybe could find him a place to park it legally to live in.

anyway, that's the kind of daydreaming that catches me like opium.

At one point I was frantic I needed a lawyer to ask someone what's going on but I see now it's possible to ask the court via the internet and I just need a computer with functioning Word and internet. IE the work search place.

The law is set up to insist it be done, and if the person appointed can't, the court will pick a professional to replace them. 

It's so exhausting.

I've been riding the train out to new west minster. It's a hella long ride. I love trains but goddamn even sitting down, the time is mad long and I get exhausted. I still find it hard to believe it was 2.5 hours from leaving my place to catching it. Like wtf? And that was not better when I used my bike to seabus, either. Although, come to think, i stopped twice that day to idle with my flute, and the other day went the wrong directions 4 blocks seeking the bus stop. evens out, perhaps? Well it's worth it. Cost wise, it's not that awful, like around $8 round trip? I expected it worse, because the seabus is double rate, but it gets absorbed when you continue on the train through the extra zones and you max out at $4/trip and $8/day, that's a day pass rate. Maybe even max out at $40/mth? That's a monthly pass rate? Or maybe only for the senior rate. Anyway, it seems pretty reasonable. The view never fail to stun, and even in the tunnels there's that one stretch with the digital display on the wall that moves with the train. Fun tech.

it still trips me out theres no driver. Drivers figured out how to drive the route, then got replaced by the computer. My uncle drove subway in toronto. It wasn't an easy job, mind you. It was tedious but serious, monotonous but demanded constant attention, and people might kill themselves on your windshield without warning. It paid ok but my aunt worked full time too, so I wouldn't say it kept a family well. They did enjoy an annual vacation, but otherwise were simply living ok. Son and daughter had their own rooms, apartment building had amenities, they had a car and great transit. 

Anyway, I was hassled for awhile because I had trouble finding a new spot when they shut down parking where I was. I think it was to clear out the messy ones but we all had to go. Some vanished far, others shifted around. Some tried to put up a fight. I just tried to find a spot that would work. Eventually I did, although they called cops on me twice for bogus complaints just to welcome me. 

I can use the generator or run the engine without anyone pissed off. the truck in front is good as empty and yet blocks anyone from squatting there then bitching about my engine noise. Like that asshole Anthony. I dunno if I mentioned him but he actually started assaulting me and it was so clearly a manufactured bullying game for him. He tried with Dan too. Eventually I got to him by stomping on his toes. See, he would kick off his shoes as a warning that he did foot kicks. Never actually saw one. But I wore my wooden shoes habitually. He was in my face hard and I wanted him to back off and he wouldn't let me back off, I was losing ground and getting cornered. So I started stomping, silently glaring. He didn't back up. I took 2 tiny stomps forward and clipped a toe and he shoved me down and went howling in outrage. Next time it was my cane in his face and he understood then that I was capable of delivering pain and not apologizing for it. But damn, talking about it gives me tension! 

So well he vanished and I don't miss him but I do wonder who is "blessed" with him now.

the wee pomchi is a beloved family member and even Rene appreciates her company, although she sometimes still acts out. For her part, Taylor's eyes are almost clear, her fur is thick and luminous and her movements casual and lithe. Not a 13 yr old presentation at all. Rene, at 7, is also doing fabulous. He pimples are not blowing up although she has hideous bubbles of icky on her toes. They don't get inflamed, though.

My health is holding somewhere near the edge. I eat carefully, hope lots, hold strong, smoke weed. I need dental work and surgery and rest and home care support. Gimme that house and I bet 4 hours a week would be enough to book my needs around for anything I couldn't do myself. 

Disability status is still frozen in place, I don't know why and eventually I need to find out, but it's so frustrating and nets me nearly no advantage right now anyway. If I get that inheritance, it changes things too, that gives me pretty good survival funds. I might need to buy supplemental for the meds and ostomy supplies? Anyway, I honestly do live cheap. I also think I can generate some income to stretch out a nest egg if I have either a stake to invest, like in leasing an art studio gallery, or printing off my tarot book and cards for sale, or both. Getting work as an artist, because people don't trust homeless. Honestly, they speak out of two sides of their mouths in canada and BC is bad for that. There's the ones who still are idealistic, but so many are just capitalistic. Passive income for them.

I have worked some very labourious jobs and relished the labour, so don't @ me on that one, please and thank you. I've been underpaid and underemployed, but always worked hard on something. Maybe it was cleaning up the neighborhood or volunteering with someone or civic action. Maybe it was building and creating or doing art or doing something for someone else. Like a single mother of two renting a house and I freebied the whole interior paint job minus bedrooms, but including extensive wall repairs and a new stucco ceiling in two hallways and a stairwell. Two story victorian. Free labour. With a smile.

And never gave rancour later either, because I did that to make the world a better place and it did do that. 

So that's just one, there's been plenty, because I am a Yes man. Not a sycophant. A person open to saying Yes to others. Not in a desperate bid to please. In the joy of community and sharing and the challenge of the task and the joy of accomplishment. Because that's the world I want. Because after 62 years of making that kind of choice nobody can take me down in my own self esteem. I can look at my faults and accept them as real, and maybe even unchangeable, and still feel worthy. Because I did that. Me. Whether I was seen or not. Be it picking up litter or planting flowers other people see more than I do, or helping animals in distress or waking a family and calling 911 for them when the garage was on fire at 4am during my paper route. I mean, there's women I offered to escort safely home, people I picked up and drove to safety, times I pushed cars out of snow.  

That's me, I'm that guy. I stop and say yes.

I started because I understood I couldn't change anyone but me and so I had to try extra hard to be the person I wanted the world to be. 

I had to come to grips with my failings. Understand that this was inevitable in others too. Resolve to try and work around them as long as the other seemed to be of good will to also try.

Got taken advantage of over and over. Felt frustrated as I tried to surf this abuse and be that example for them. Felt grieved when I had to give up and stop putting up with them. Not for what I had given them, but for what we were losing because of their mental illness. and my inability to heal them.

Ok, well it's definitely bedtime. I don't know if I need to update much more.

The bus and solar and etc? Ok, so the solar is sketchy but helps cut down on generator time. Sometimes it even gets me through the evening without generator if the day was sunny. 

Diesel heater got a rebuild and it was delightful to be able to get parts locally. Batteries for the bus to run said heater more reliably are in my car. Bus itself has been running smoothly every night, but her brakes are dismal. I have to pump like mad to get them to be squishy, and knowing i have 12tons of the most important things in my world makes me very nervous. So if there is money after the tax bill takes, it's definitely going to include some kind of solution there. Aforementioned, I recall. I'm up late.Tired.Wired.

Ohhh, and I signed up for 10 free therapy sessions in person in an office which is extremely cheugy but that's bog standard for a therapy office.

He's ok. Nice fellow. Comfortable to talk to. not able to do much for me, but again, means less blog time because present human beats imaginary one every time. Yes, I am sorry dear reader, but even though the stats say someone somewhere is reading, you are for me only in my imagination. As I am in yours, I suppose? Welll anyway, it's cool you are out there. Although maybe you're just a computer parsing text for storage and analysis. hehehehe

What a world, hey?

Here is hoping my mother left me enough to rescue me from destitution and let me do one more goddamn life restart. I'm so damn tired of starting again, I think I will refuse to do it again. No more moving across the continent, no more letting someone talk me into making stupid financial choices so I can read a book in peace. No more letting them live in my sanctuary. No parrots either. Rabbits? Nope. I have no business emptying litters or cleaning cages and won't ask someone else to do it. Dogs take their business outside. A canary is light duty, we're good with Freddy or his successors.

I have lost all urge to travel. Suddenly. From itchy feet my whole life to a sense of squatness. A clinging. A feeling like I'm not allowed to leave and don't want to anyway. Like I found my true mother and want to just stay in her arms and she is salt water and I regret being even a quarter mile from her. Like finally I don't long to go. I remember the joy I felt on lake ontario in the water, on the water, and on the beaches. I yearned for more as I lived always within a quarter mile of the river. Taking solace like a heroin addict on methadone. Wanting sea. Always yearning for it. 

The sounds of the harbour itself delight me, even the obnoxious cruise ships departing at 11pm with musical horns. The harbour planes and helicopters thrill me. I just love it all. The sparkle of water soothes me like no holographic anything can.

Oh, and I have an appointment at a senior's residence in west van which is an appealing option if the inheritance fizzles. It's a lovely location within reach of the sea and low crime area. I can't measure just how sick and tire I am of being forced to live cheek by jowl with criminals. The folks parked around me now are workers, thank god. I just don't appreciate the culture of crime. Not one tiny bit. yeah, ok, bedtime is due.