Pseudobulbar affect
Finally, someone's given it an official existence.
All my life I've cried and laughed too hard, gotten too angry, and generally had mountains of difficulty with emotional control. I've worked hard on it and reached the point where I trust my physical control no matter how bad my emotions are. I won't do anything from my emotional center. what's more, it often feels like the emotion is driven by the emotional display that comes up way too soon with far too much force, taking me over like a whirlwind. I've learned to stand in the center of that hurricane and contain it, but it damages my body and brain and causes me stress. What's more, it causes me to be dismissed from human company.
Whether I'm seeking medical attention, employment, or company, my overreactions are intolerable to others.
Is it autism? Or a co-morbid brain injury? I did in fact have a brain injury at age 4 and the scar on my scalp remains. Doubtless the brain also has one. In University I had to memorize the regions of the brain to pass my class and I did in fact pass, with a 98% final mark. I have since lost that data, being relatively useless in my regular life. However, in the interim years I did make use of it while reading a magazine article about how peculiar the brain is. They mentioned that lesions can cause permanent damage, citing various aphasia cases. They then mentioned the case of one woman who had a lesion in the region of the brain directly under my scar and how she would cry too easily. That was me! Finally I understood why I can't hold my tears back. But that was decades ago and only now have I learned about PBA.
I sincerely doubt there is a treatment, unless it involves neuroplasticity and cognitive exercises. It's unlikely they can be done solitary and I have no recourse to professionals.
You see, I start crying when I'm nervous and I get nervous in any situation where crying would be a bad thing or has been a bad thing. I'm also nervous of doctors, ever since they used to force me into pap tests as a young woman. What's more, these horrible invasive tests guaranteed I'd start crying so even at the very beginning, back when I trusted and liked doctors, it started going bad.
Everywhere I go I'm dismissed as irrational and unstable. I couldn't be further from that, but my tears belie the woman below.
So there you go. I will mention it to my Doctor as she's developing some kindness and sympathy towards me and if she understands what it is, maybe she can forgive me. I cried the first day and she got a disgusted look on her face and filled out the prescription quickly, then dismissed me.
I was so happy to find someone who wasn't going to try and fix me, just serve my needs. I've been going back to get this same criminally neglectful service where I can doctor myself as I've always had to do, and possibly access resources otherwise unavailable to me. Like my thyroid prescription. Wouldn't I love to heal my thyroid but I have not yet encountered any information about it.
So anyway I felt so safe from harassment I quit crying when I saw her and she's warmed up a lot.
But I'm going to tell her about PBA, and my head injury as a child.
It's just too bad I can't fix it, it's very disabling. I think it's the primary cause of my unemployment and social isolation. Without this sole factor I am dead sure I could overcome the other issues.
But here's the thing, just writing this has me weeping like a mother who lost her child.
Control that? I wish. Riding over it and continuing cognitive control of the muscles and actions is the best I can do.
All my life I've cried and laughed too hard, gotten too angry, and generally had mountains of difficulty with emotional control. I've worked hard on it and reached the point where I trust my physical control no matter how bad my emotions are. I won't do anything from my emotional center. what's more, it often feels like the emotion is driven by the emotional display that comes up way too soon with far too much force, taking me over like a whirlwind. I've learned to stand in the center of that hurricane and contain it, but it damages my body and brain and causes me stress. What's more, it causes me to be dismissed from human company.
Whether I'm seeking medical attention, employment, or company, my overreactions are intolerable to others.
Is it autism? Or a co-morbid brain injury? I did in fact have a brain injury at age 4 and the scar on my scalp remains. Doubtless the brain also has one. In University I had to memorize the regions of the brain to pass my class and I did in fact pass, with a 98% final mark. I have since lost that data, being relatively useless in my regular life. However, in the interim years I did make use of it while reading a magazine article about how peculiar the brain is. They mentioned that lesions can cause permanent damage, citing various aphasia cases. They then mentioned the case of one woman who had a lesion in the region of the brain directly under my scar and how she would cry too easily. That was me! Finally I understood why I can't hold my tears back. But that was decades ago and only now have I learned about PBA.
I sincerely doubt there is a treatment, unless it involves neuroplasticity and cognitive exercises. It's unlikely they can be done solitary and I have no recourse to professionals.
You see, I start crying when I'm nervous and I get nervous in any situation where crying would be a bad thing or has been a bad thing. I'm also nervous of doctors, ever since they used to force me into pap tests as a young woman. What's more, these horrible invasive tests guaranteed I'd start crying so even at the very beginning, back when I trusted and liked doctors, it started going bad.
Everywhere I go I'm dismissed as irrational and unstable. I couldn't be further from that, but my tears belie the woman below.
So there you go. I will mention it to my Doctor as she's developing some kindness and sympathy towards me and if she understands what it is, maybe she can forgive me. I cried the first day and she got a disgusted look on her face and filled out the prescription quickly, then dismissed me.
I was so happy to find someone who wasn't going to try and fix me, just serve my needs. I've been going back to get this same criminally neglectful service where I can doctor myself as I've always had to do, and possibly access resources otherwise unavailable to me. Like my thyroid prescription. Wouldn't I love to heal my thyroid but I have not yet encountered any information about it.
So anyway I felt so safe from harassment I quit crying when I saw her and she's warmed up a lot.
But I'm going to tell her about PBA, and my head injury as a child.
It's just too bad I can't fix it, it's very disabling. I think it's the primary cause of my unemployment and social isolation. Without this sole factor I am dead sure I could overcome the other issues.
But here's the thing, just writing this has me weeping like a mother who lost her child.
Control that? I wish. Riding over it and continuing cognitive control of the muscles and actions is the best I can do.