I think I lost the trust of my NP

I had a blood test and the NP tried calling me but didn't give advanced notice.  Just pounded out a virtual appointment like "right now" which I missed.  Then for the next two days didn't get back to me. now it's saturday and I'm convinced I've lost my health care provider by fasting too carefully. 

See, he's never met me, examined me or weighed me.  It's all on my say so.  The blood test would have been the first sign that I'm actually fasting.  The creatinine levels should be elevated.  But they might not be.  I'd had some chicken a few days earlier and I'd been eating, as I disclosed to him in phone calls, in order to maintain nutrients enough to avoid early organ failure.  If I've been doing this well enough perhaps, I don't know, it might have tanked those levels.  I'd call it a fasting success as I have factually lost 20lbs already.  But the weight loss is irrelevant as the NP has no weigh in on me, only what I wrote on my chart. he's never met me so has no reference for me being "skinnier" either. 

So I'm waking up thinking I've lost the one maybe in my toolkit.  

But also feeling mad.  He's been lying to me for a month about putting in a request for counselor and social worker, because they'd have contacted me by now.  But he's going to drop me like a hot potato because I don't look aboveboard enough on a blood test.

At this point, it's all in my head. But then it's triggered by one thing that's not in my head plus some genuine experience of always being accused of lying as an expedient solution to me, an unsolveable problem. 

So yeah, I think that's it for the one open door.  It was never a real door.

Dude couldn't have done a fucking thing for me if he did try. I never believed him. I wanted to.  I got a bit excited before christmas, but by now, progress would be showing in some manner.  A contact from someone.  Something.  Nobody is doing fuck all for me and I'm frankly disinterested in trying to convince someone.  It's exhausting.

Now the california fires add more people to the housing market.  yes, 200k people from california will affect canada.  It's a bump shift kind of thing. Everyone from Cali who has ties to Canada or options to move her may well do so to escape the pressure down south. That;s pressure here.  They're going to bump the market ever so slightly more expensive yet. 

So my options are closing, not opening, and I'm going to close myself down too.

I did go visiting the neighbors hoping to trade my oversized generator for weed. Get it out of my space, into hands who could use it, and get weed out of my budget.  Don't think they're interested.  I got the one guy to come over to see my bus and he immediately stopped and started going on about fungus and how strong the moisture in here is.  Got me ventilating.  Sure but, that took any fun out of the bus tour, real fast.  I just feel gross now.  Really disgusting. Like moldy garbage.

Yep.  That'll slow down my socializing.  

So yeah, you can see where my motivation is pointing.  It'll help because the extreme weight loss will only get harder by the week. At this point, it's not hard yet.  It's getting niggling.  Any time I do eat something I pay all day in craving and hunger symptoms.  But otherwise the usual gelatin and seaweed, chocolate licorice and salt, seems to work.  

I had two eggs yesterday.  Dude made them for me while I was over at his RV. I shouldn't go back over. Yeah, friendly guy, but I'm a fucking wet blanket who wants to die. No fun for them, and they'll sabotage me.

on the upside, he is an IATSE memberr and could help get me in the union, or at least fill out my form. But on the other hand, why should I bother when I most definitely would rather just expire?  Well, so to speak.  I wouldn't rather die than be in the union.  I just don't think there's time enough for anythig to come through and I have no intention of continuining to blindly wait for a miracle while my things rot out from under me and my health takes a nose dive and I continue to cry nightly. Besides, let's pretend for one minute that I had enough income to pay for rent and living plus negotiate payments to my debts (because we mustn't forget that rock hanging over me) then, I still can't function in modern society enough to actually find housing and contract it.  Eh?  How about that?  I don't even know HOW you do these things anymore.

The odds against me are stacked so much higher than any one person knows.  

I haven't even mentioned the lawyers pestering my email with accelerated threats.  One collector is saying they've initiated court proceedings to force me into bankruptcy.  

Like huh?  You can do that TO me? I mean, if I thought it would have helped maybe I could have tried to get this going sooner but I haven't the money to pay for a bankruptcy. I haven't the income to negotiate settlements.  I have a debt bigger than all of them which cannot be removed by bankruptcy.  Any assets I might have had would be eaten by such debt first.  So uh, yeah, go ahead, fill out your forms and send them in triplicate.  Pay your fees and do your little rant.  It won't make a difference to me. 

But if I was employed, you see, it would not be a solution for me.  Too much debt. I'm actually screwed in all the ways a person today can be screwed.  I've got debts of the sort that promise to prevent me ever supporting myself.  I've got health problems that ensure I can't take proper care of myself.  I've got mind problems that ensure I can't reach out and get help.  I've got deadlines that will see me laying on the cold concrete sobbing and bewhildered and still a persona non grata unworthy of aid. 

Makes sense to me to pursue this plan, still. And now, if I'm right about the nurse practitioner and the blood test, I've one less thing to worry about, my conversations with said person.  Who has been causing me a great deal of stress by making false promises and trying to exhort me to change my plans thereby.

False promises. now retracted because I seem to have lied.  That's what I think has happened.  

You'll hear from me if I'm wrong and something actually happens.  

But it won't. Pretty sure we're on the home stretch. I'm pissed I can't spend my last weeks on earth enjoying food but there you have it. Dying sucks. Any way it happens.