Physical assessment day was tiring

I was remembering a fly thing that happened in my childhood.  I was around 13 and being left alone all evening. This evening a blowfly crowd appeared out of "nowhere" in the kitchen hanging on the window and under the light.  

It was hundreds of them and I knew they were flies which ate feces and rot.  I was absolutely freaked out.  I went at them with RAID of the sort meant for outdoors and ventilation. Could have killed myself too.

I was realizing, geeze, I was WAY too young to be left alone all evening, and in another year, still too long for weekends and even fortnights in the house. Way too young. We were lucky that a rotten mouse was as bad as it got. 

What if something had caught fire? Flooded? Essential equipment breaks?  I get injured? So many things that I as an adult know can happen in a house with nobody there, much less a young teenager.  However smart and responsible he was.  I couldn't handle a blowfly crowd without a permanent scar on my memory.  We were so lucky.

in my inside heart, I knew even then that this was extreme neglect but it was such a relief to get a break from those two constantly manipulating and gaslighting and insulting me. 

It's not like I didn't see what they were doing, I just didn't understand it. I didn't understand the point or intent, could see no reason, and the nonsense was 50 shades of absurd. Yet I was being held in thrall to be yelled at and insulted and possibly assaulted by people who held almost my whole life in their hands. They had boundaries, no killing or lasting marks.

But I knew even as a wee child that my mother was using me, not caregiving.  I hated her hugs because of it. I became a pleaser because then she was pleasant and I had a stronger sense of power too.

Pleasing someone and giving them no excuse to hassle you is a form of power. It's a handle on them.  

Like when I knitted Dan's sweater.  The whole six weeks I was in blessed peace. I was in extra peace knowing I wouldn't let another year pass without divorcing him (big joke, eh?)

So I knitted happily away and I wish I could do it again but somehow I can't figure out how to finish the top on my own sweater. Will I get it done before I die?  I have been trying to knock out UFOs before march.

Today was the functional assessment.

I did discover just how much a factor my back pain is in daily life.  I thought I was there for the hernia and possibly tendonitis if it cared to present itself.

In fact it was my back that starred. Oh didn't it shine up. 

I'm so used to never mentioning it, that doing so was really unique.  Both challenging to my anxiety (complainy people get disrespected) and also pleasing to my inner child who's been bearing up all this pain, because it's your child who does the carrying, and  he was so glad to have permission to speak up.

They had a great pain scale that was easy to use too. 

My back is absolutely killing me tonight.

The transit journey took sort of 90mins but I got mixed up on the way there and had to go back and forth and get help from the staff to get where I needed to go and then I couldn't get out without cheating.  It was all rather challenging plus I went absolutely the wrong way and added over a mile to my walk. I was on the cane by the time I arrived.

Still, I don't know if I was dysfunctional enough to qualify as physically disabled.  Light duty work is what I"m rated for, with a 15lb lift limit.  Good to know.  Not sure that's disability around here. Which appears to be an ugly contest prize rather than a consolation for being too messed up to participate in society.

What I reference here is the old ugly laws in which they made it a law that people deemed unsightly in some way weren't allowed to be out in plain view. They had to be locked away to protect people from horrific sights.

So your average cerebral palsy, stroke, scoliosis, amputees, and etc would all have been denied personhood, autonomy, personal power, and even sunshine and fresh air.

And it is this level of disabled which seems to be the cutoff, when I read the rules.

But then I see some of the people who have their disability status and they seem no worse off than me so? 

Imagine if it was retroactive.

I still couldn't rent an apartment with my dogs, but I could get my cracked teeth plastered or pulled. 

Not likely , but you know I like daydreaming.

Next Tuesday I get help with my applications for housing and disability, or one anyway. Then on friday I get the psych version of today.

That'll be double interesting. 

Today was hella interesting.  I liked the people I worked with and enjoyed doing stuff in a different place not being alone. I enjoyed the journey in spite of the issues and how tiring it was.  Mostly I sat on the train knitting so it wasn't all tiring.

the lace blanket is over half done. Not quite 2/3 but coming along beautifully. I am noticing that the errors just get lost in the general chaos wrought by the inconsistent yarn thickness. It goes from embroidery floss to fine sewing thread to hair to floss again. This impacts how the lace looks and the overtwist also keeps it from laying out as knitted.

But it's still compelling and strangers volunteer that it's beautiful. It will be the perfect warmth for summer too. Plus it could shade a sunny window.

yah, ok, bye