Poor puppy and hopeful still

Today I learned that my magic pomeranian has witnessed violence over spilt urine.  My Xolo tried to get me to let her out early and I utterly refused to get up.  If you saw the barricade in the way... Cleaning the rug is actually easier than getting up in a rush right now.

Well she peed on the wool rug, dammit.  I got up and scolded her and got going for the day. Come to feed, the pomeranian's appetite is as poor as her mood.  Unheard of!  I saw her having strong fear reactions to the urine puddle so tried feeding her on the couch but she still couldn't handle it unless I fed her one chunk at a time. I thought maybe it was constipation and tried massaging her.  I eventually got her to eat it up and then gave her some extra lard, which then came up on the rug and the sidewalk aways...

Well after Rene and I had been friendly together and nobody had been hit or threatened, she suddenly cheered up all bright and strong again.  Like, she'd seen dogs get beaten over peeing indoors.  No wonder she doesn't ever. Poor baby.  I know how she feels, see, I will never forget watching my sister get assaulted by my father at age 15 for trying to assert herself.  You don't have to be the target to be harmed.

her fur is sure coming in thick and glittery.  So beautiful.

I grieve in fear sometimes worrying we'll be broken up and I won't be able to ensure they get the right care.  Nobody will feed them with such care, brush the one daily and squeeze the other one's zits.  They'll never get over losing me.  It's heart breaking.

So on that front.  I know you know about the house.

I don't know if you know I got a call on friday from a social worker who booked me a face to face to discuss my needs.  Progress!

It occurred to me that if magic is indeed moving, this might be part of the delay. I will need disability status and supports even if I do inherit a small sum to support me.  I will need that network in place. If only to help me understand what benefits I still have.  Not my usual "ok, see ya when I go broke and have to start from scratch" approach. So that means the house and I both have to wait while the process finally gets under way.  My workBC agent is finally acting on her promises, having claimed, yet again, that she misunderstood. My NP did that too, claimed my clear request was unclear. Twice. 

Sheesh.

Actually, she also said she'd get me a food voucher which is a shock to me.  I didn't know there were food stamps as she called it.  I tried researching it but it was quite unclear.  on the one hand, it seems it's permission to use the food banks, across the inlet.  On the other, it seems to say I have to locate a farmer's market and spend it there.  Then again, maybe it's just a grocery store card honored at all the major chains.

I can't figure it out from online.

If it's a food bank?  I guess i'll go check it out.

If it's a farmer's market?  I'll try and trade it for weed with someone here because I can't eat far too much of what's on offer there and need things not on offer and can't refrigerate what I can eat from there.

A store card is my hope, natch. Just pop over to sungiven and stock up on eggs for pickling, coconut water, and seaweed. Maybe a bit of something something. Well anyway, you get the idea.  Stuff I can slowly dole out over the next 6wks.

On that topic, I"m frustrated. I saw 122 on the scale but now it's 124 and I do not like it going up instead of down.

I think I'm a little insane on this topic right now.  Pretty sure I am. I never got into the whole anorexia thing enough to get a diagnosis but I really think there's a streak of it in me.  Or maybe I like being thin. 

But it scares me a bit too. I like being athletic, not weak.

There's another thing which points back to magic, god, whatever name, the thinner and weaker I am when the tests and exams begin, the more effective they'll be for me. 

Just because I am damn good at overcoming my obstacles, and stoic and tough, and self disciplined, shouldn't mean i've graduated to the abled world and deserve no help. What kind of reward is that for doing my best, get skated to the back of the class and given the least of everything?

So these days my mood is good, but I'm hungry.  I see that house in my mind every hour of the day and as I drift off to sleep. I remind myself that I got here, didn't I?  With all that really matters to me. There's the mountains, there's the sea. There's the perfect house, waiting for me.

I'm going to have to hold on to my nerves hard, though.

Oh but I feel it as if it's already wrapped it's loving walls around me to shelter me.