My nutrition profile (wrapped in chatter)

I want to tell the world but there is no way to.  you'll get it at the end.

Ok, so I have been somehow meeting my nutrition profile without the calorie profile.  Well, not somehow. Mindfully and deliberately, frankly.  I do not want organ failure in January nor february.  While I already think the hope is lost, I have always operated on remembering that I don't know what I don't know.   So while I do need to get my bmi below 18 by the end of february or sooner, I do want to keep functioning.  Tiredness and hunger and poor sleep and body pain have been such constant companions for so long now it's fine. But organ failure two weeks before a solution turns up is not quite the story I want. So in case I'm wrong about things, I hold.

That being said, here's what I'm eating and why.

Firstly, daily, a tablespoon or two of gelatin. This has some protiens and more importantly, the building blocks of connective tissue. Skin, joints, tendons, even nerves and organs all depend on connective tissue.  So I eat the gelatin with a splash of vanilla for joy. Because it's my last weeks of life, so joy matters if I can add any.

One packet of seaweed.  It's got all kinds of stuff, I haven't bothered to research it because I just flagged it "must have vitamin food" and moved on.  But it's lilke iodine and iron and magnesium and maybe D or calcium, it's 25 calories, includes lots of salts too and the crunch really offers some gustatory satisfaction. As does the spoonful of gelatine, very refreshing.

Then there's the lemon juice, concentrated, and I squirt it into 2 glasses of water daily. Vitamin C, straight up.  You need that stuff constantly, it pisses out. It keeps the metabolism rolling.  Kreb's Citric Acid Cycle.  Look it up.  I also gnaw on licorice root sticks dipped in pink salt.  Pink salt is pink from traces of potassium and iron, not "a significant source" on it's own, but on this diet, probably valuable.  The salt itself is vital, it runs the nervous system.  It's used like an electrolyte in a battery.  If I cut off salt, I would probably be dead in 10 days. It would be a nasty ten days of galloping legs and full body convulsions and cramps. But you know, it's not usually possible to die witthout suffering.  I might use the propane stove at the end to CO myself out of that.

Anyway, that's the daily intake.  Now weekly, it's coconut water, that gives electrolytes and I've been using it more like twice a week so I think I will consider it a twice a week.  I've also been eating cheese and chocolate.  Now a boiled egg or two would be delightful and cheaper than the cheese, but I can't find them here. Funny, everyone carries them in saskatoon.  Regional thing I guess.  So I buy the smallest wedge of gouda they have and eat that, and stop at the chocolate shop for the quality dark either in the seasonal discounts or a basic bar, and some individual cherry cordials, for joy.  I also have a slab of unsweetened baker's chocolate on which I gnaw randomly at home. The chocolate and cheese have been getting gobbled all up in a hurry, although the first time I rationed them out. Then it was christmas and i binged on chips and two massive chocolate bars and then some licorice while getting the sticks and then it was a slab of chicken from mcd's (tossed the rest of the "sandwich") and well, next thing you know, my weight went up 2 pounds and by new year's day it was clear I was having trouble controlling it. Then yesterday I had to go get a blood test and was ravening for those chocolates and cheese yet again, so managed, after blood draw, to consume an entire day's calories in one sitting.

So why cheese and chocolate? NOt just joy, really. Cheese is probably obvious, protien, calcium, essential fatty acids. It's ready to eat and you can get fairly small portions.  It's also pretty safe on my allergies and real cheese is hard to adulterate as what you add to cheapen the ingredients also ruins the bacteria who make the cheese happen. You wind up with cheese food instead, like mozza sticks and BS like that. Which do start me sneezing.

The choocolate is the most interesting.  It's like a vitamin pill with all the stuff it gives. Iron, fiber, potassium, magnesium, calcium, and a LOT too.  more besides, do look it up, the list is crazy.

The problem is the sugar we use to sweeten it and the fats we add to make it milder and cheaper.  So you get the super bitter stuff.  Heck, that's why gnawing on baker's chocolate is so healthy. It's just hard to get used to the taste and if I wasn't crazy hungry I wouldn't find it palatable.  I have starved enough before to know about how the tastebuds change with real hunger.  It becomes a matter of "good for me" vs "not good for me" instead of craving flavours.

So I will be containing the chocolate purchases in future to once a week. Cheese likewise.  Because that's enough, and it's clearly necessary for my success. Plus it's stupid expensive.  I blew 25 bucks yesterday on food. I cant do that even weekly, frankly. Fifteen bucks would be feasible and not so painful.  That's half for cheese, and then get what chocolate the rest buys. $60/month and it helps me survive and feel human. I won't feel so guilty either if I force myself to once a week and make that part of the plan.

I definitely am getting thinner.  I can feel it. I feel the smallerness of my body under my hands and the looseness of my old skin as it deflates.  I am down around 20-25 lbs since I started.  20 I guess?  It's hard to say because the water in my bowels adds and removes 2lbs and my clothes can be up to 3 or 4 lbs difference depending on when I weight myself.

Blood pressure is at the bottom end of "still okay" too.  Energy is better than expected and body pain is lesser than it's been all year.  I can walk without tendonitis hitting. I can manage to walk a mile just suffering rubber legs and mostly when forced to sprint across a road.

I know a secret, your legs aren't allow to refuse a command from you. You tell your body to march, it always will until the day it expires. It might hurt. It might protest with sensations of weakness and poor balance, but you can order it to "straighten up and fly right" if you are willing to deal with the pain.

I realized, I disassociate all the time.  Like more than I am present, or even into the present to escape my mental worries. It's a kind of disassciation.  I float up out of myself to appreciate the moments. The beauty around here helps a lot with that. Then I forget to feel my body. Or using video or even this typing and talking, weirdly enough, helps me ignore my pain.  Right now my butt cheeks are complaining about something.

Anyway, chocolate is not just joy, it's health. Eat it often.

and I'm fucking smart, man. I know how to put together a nutrition profile. Pity I can't afford to eat right.  

Oh, heh, new hobby, watching japanese food videos.  I love that bouncy custardy cake they make, I would love to try some of those recipes.  Need a kitchen.  Got the tools and skills.  Not the space or electricity or appliances.

I'm so done with this camping on a busy street "adventure."  No fire bowl. Non of the things that would have made this experience feel more fun. 

bleck