shitty topic
So I'm determined to go see Ayami at the hospital. I'd like to give her a massage, she'd like it so much and I'd feel so valuable sharing that talent. I'm very very good at it, but Dan's too ticklish so I've not done it for anyone in years. It would feel good to reconnect with that side of me, the healer.
But here's the thing, I'm sick again. Well, I don't like the phrase I used, since it implies an illness and healing and stuff, and chronic conditions that come and go don't qualify. But I mean in the sense of being in the middle of a run of "bad days" when I'm low on "spoons" to quote a disability meme. My emotional control finally leveled over the weekend. It's not cheerful at all, but I'm not bursting into tears as easily. My muscle cramping in my back is at a high, although I'm on aspirin for the other problem right now, that'll probably settle the cramps. Actualy, since I Haven't taken my NSAID for today, instead of ASA I'll try the aleve and it usually does good things for my muscle cramps. It's my neck and shoulders mostly today. The leg and back cramps didn't go away but they pale now in comparison to the neck and shoulder. I mean, seriously, ever consider that pain is a pain killer? If you have, for instance, a toothache bothering you, and you mash your thumb under a hammer, you don't feel the toothache at all while your thumb is throbbing, right?
Yeah, so the pain in my neck and shoulder is giving me relief from the leg cramps I've been fighting for days.
The reason I'm taking anti-inflammatories is that my butt has gone haywire. There's wounds there from the constant rounds of stress-induced constipation and although I've been taking stool softeners, it's currently like desert deer back there, during hunting season. Very few small deposits and a lot of blood and pain! So the inflammation in that area is causing sympathetic inflammation in unrelated pelvic systems, making urination more difficult, and also causing involuntary spasms of expulsion when I sit on the toilet, which hurt like a sonuvabitch. All that comes out is a bit of extremely stinky gas and blood. Seriously, it's getting tiresome. I have even added rice back into my diet, albeit only every few days due to the high calories in the stuff. I find it extremely hard to fit those starches into my diet without blowing my calorie count through the roof. I mean, which nutritious foods should I cast aside for it? Broccoli? Oranges? Meats? Because it's not like I have breads or other grains to remove, and my current eating habits put me squarely where I need to be number-wise. In fact I'd like to eat slightly fewer calories than it takes to maintain since I'm still overweight.
Plus which, this must be stress or menopause based or else why did the paleo diet take two and a half years to cause constipation? I just wish I could have a month of shitting normally. Just one month's break. who am I kidding? I miss that pleasure more than sex, the pleasure of a satisfying dump. Now it's a terrifying ordeal and I have to fight to keep quiet on the toilet so as not to embarass myself with pained utterances. I have to wear a liner in case I shit myself when one of the futile spasms overtakes me. I wouldn't shit myself proper, of course, just enough black bloody ick to spoil the fabric.
Oh and my stomach. It's distended, a bit taut, and feels like I ate a soccer ball. It's really quite firm and I can tell I'm backed up.
Laxatives would just increase the spasms without doing anything to actualy loosen the material that won't come out without ripping me two new assholes on the way out. Part of the problem is I won't strain if I can help it and restrain it quite a bit, trying to reduce the damage. I'm afraid it may be nasty enough (without submitting to a doctor's probing) to potentialy rupture inside or through to neighboring organ walls. so I take it easy, drink lots of water, eat lots of fiber foods, and wonder why.
You may be asking why I don't see a doctor. Well I just don't have any trust left for that profession. I used to think they had a wealth of arcane knowlege about what ails us but then I started chewing on that mountain of knowlege and learned that the doctors, like the rest of us, get into comfort zone routines to the degree that they can't see past their rut. So they'd say 'take a laxative and aspirins and see if it breaks." Then when that failed, as it's been doing, they'd send me to a specialist. That would take months, probably. Two or three. Six weeks if fast. So by then it could be fixed, could be a disaster, or could just be still recurring randomly. He'll tell me to continue using the stuff I'm using and doing what I'm doing and he'll schedule a colonoscopy. How long till my appt for that horrible nightmare? Hard to say but by then I'm probably getting used to having strangers probing my anal regions, or I'm losing my mind trying to run from people insisting I go submit to it.
So colonoscopy, well, we don't have to talk past that, it's what I refuse to endure. Frankly I won't even endure taking my pants down in an office, nevermind the rest of it. So when all is said and done, they'd prescribe more laxatives, tell me to eat whole grain gluten free bread, and send me home, possibly waiting on surgery to reduce the prolapsing, but surgery like that would never happen because the waiting list is too long and there are too many more urgent cases needing the operating theatre every week.
So this is why I don't go to the doctor. They wouldn't do anything that would fix the problem, but they'd increase my anxiety, stress, and mental anguish drastically.
But boy I'd love to stop feeling like I have to shit, it distracts me from everything I do!
But here's the thing, I'm sick again. Well, I don't like the phrase I used, since it implies an illness and healing and stuff, and chronic conditions that come and go don't qualify. But I mean in the sense of being in the middle of a run of "bad days" when I'm low on "spoons" to quote a disability meme. My emotional control finally leveled over the weekend. It's not cheerful at all, but I'm not bursting into tears as easily. My muscle cramping in my back is at a high, although I'm on aspirin for the other problem right now, that'll probably settle the cramps. Actualy, since I Haven't taken my NSAID for today, instead of ASA I'll try the aleve and it usually does good things for my muscle cramps. It's my neck and shoulders mostly today. The leg and back cramps didn't go away but they pale now in comparison to the neck and shoulder. I mean, seriously, ever consider that pain is a pain killer? If you have, for instance, a toothache bothering you, and you mash your thumb under a hammer, you don't feel the toothache at all while your thumb is throbbing, right?
Yeah, so the pain in my neck and shoulder is giving me relief from the leg cramps I've been fighting for days.
The reason I'm taking anti-inflammatories is that my butt has gone haywire. There's wounds there from the constant rounds of stress-induced constipation and although I've been taking stool softeners, it's currently like desert deer back there, during hunting season. Very few small deposits and a lot of blood and pain! So the inflammation in that area is causing sympathetic inflammation in unrelated pelvic systems, making urination more difficult, and also causing involuntary spasms of expulsion when I sit on the toilet, which hurt like a sonuvabitch. All that comes out is a bit of extremely stinky gas and blood. Seriously, it's getting tiresome. I have even added rice back into my diet, albeit only every few days due to the high calories in the stuff. I find it extremely hard to fit those starches into my diet without blowing my calorie count through the roof. I mean, which nutritious foods should I cast aside for it? Broccoli? Oranges? Meats? Because it's not like I have breads or other grains to remove, and my current eating habits put me squarely where I need to be number-wise. In fact I'd like to eat slightly fewer calories than it takes to maintain since I'm still overweight.
Plus which, this must be stress or menopause based or else why did the paleo diet take two and a half years to cause constipation? I just wish I could have a month of shitting normally. Just one month's break. who am I kidding? I miss that pleasure more than sex, the pleasure of a satisfying dump. Now it's a terrifying ordeal and I have to fight to keep quiet on the toilet so as not to embarass myself with pained utterances. I have to wear a liner in case I shit myself when one of the futile spasms overtakes me. I wouldn't shit myself proper, of course, just enough black bloody ick to spoil the fabric.
Oh and my stomach. It's distended, a bit taut, and feels like I ate a soccer ball. It's really quite firm and I can tell I'm backed up.
Laxatives would just increase the spasms without doing anything to actualy loosen the material that won't come out without ripping me two new assholes on the way out. Part of the problem is I won't strain if I can help it and restrain it quite a bit, trying to reduce the damage. I'm afraid it may be nasty enough (without submitting to a doctor's probing) to potentialy rupture inside or through to neighboring organ walls. so I take it easy, drink lots of water, eat lots of fiber foods, and wonder why.
You may be asking why I don't see a doctor. Well I just don't have any trust left for that profession. I used to think they had a wealth of arcane knowlege about what ails us but then I started chewing on that mountain of knowlege and learned that the doctors, like the rest of us, get into comfort zone routines to the degree that they can't see past their rut. So they'd say 'take a laxative and aspirins and see if it breaks." Then when that failed, as it's been doing, they'd send me to a specialist. That would take months, probably. Two or three. Six weeks if fast. So by then it could be fixed, could be a disaster, or could just be still recurring randomly. He'll tell me to continue using the stuff I'm using and doing what I'm doing and he'll schedule a colonoscopy. How long till my appt for that horrible nightmare? Hard to say but by then I'm probably getting used to having strangers probing my anal regions, or I'm losing my mind trying to run from people insisting I go submit to it.
So colonoscopy, well, we don't have to talk past that, it's what I refuse to endure. Frankly I won't even endure taking my pants down in an office, nevermind the rest of it. So when all is said and done, they'd prescribe more laxatives, tell me to eat whole grain gluten free bread, and send me home, possibly waiting on surgery to reduce the prolapsing, but surgery like that would never happen because the waiting list is too long and there are too many more urgent cases needing the operating theatre every week.
So this is why I don't go to the doctor. They wouldn't do anything that would fix the problem, but they'd increase my anxiety, stress, and mental anguish drastically.
But boy I'd love to stop feeling like I have to shit, it distracts me from everything I do!