processing trans

It would be so nice to say, no, it's not me, it's them, and believe it. All the years of rejection. And today something twigged me for the umpteenth time.  How often it was transness at play, not something about me specifically. Well, transness IS about me specifically.  But like, not the autism, the adhd, or some undx'd opathy.  Just the trans.  I was responding to a fellow who suggested I shouldn't get to call myself a gay man if I didn't know about X. Which was all in jest and clearly he thinks of me as male, which is easy online. So I remarked that I never got admitted to the membership in the first place due to "not having an outie."  AKA penis. I said they kept shoving me in with the girls. That I didn't get along with girls but boys kept mistaking me for one. 
This isn't a revelation, but today feels more revelatory than usual. Because I was remembering it that wasy clearly for the first time.  Me always trying to hang out with boys and getting in trouble for it.  Trying to play with their toys and getting in trouble for it. I wasn't allowed to touch their things and I wasn't welcome in their company and my efforts to do so were clearly some form of nascent sex maniac behaviour that had to be nipped in the bud before I turned into a drug addict whore! 
So I was severely censured at every turn for being myself because me was masc and I wasn't allowed to be masc. Not a whiff of it. I was occasionally accused of maybe being a tomboy in that tone that says "you better deny it." Which of course I did. I was being so badly treated all around I would do anything to please others. I just literally couldn't for all the trying. My efforts to be femme essentially turned me into a permanent drag queen.  THAT caused all manner of social censure also because again, too much. Because I am not a woman and it never came naturally. So I was censured for that too, for being unnatural. 
I was censured for being too forward.  I spoke up too freely.  Thought too often and shared my thoughts. 
Ok. Thing is, it's getting infuriating again.
But you know what? I think I can lay my troubles at the feet of transphobia and gender rules and I can quietly reassure myself that when I am taken for male by the general public, I'll finally come into my own and be accepted as myself, and judged for the quality I really have, not for failing to have the qualities wanted of me.

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