July 2023, adrift and feeling safer than ever.
No but seriously, I feel safe in my bus, safer than I ever did in my car. I'm anonymous, I guess? Or because it was my safe haven all these years already? I don't feel secure, mind you, breakdowns can really create issues and police are a hazard and driving it is terrifying in multiple ways. Nevertheless, I feel safe.
I was realizing after a call with my social worker that technically, I'm in the worst possible crisis a person can face. I guess I felt that way for awhile, but not anymore. I feel free. Not secure. I don't have the resources for security. But everything I love is here with me and I'm not sitting in a huddle on the sidewalk. I"m incredibly grateful for how well this is working for me rather than how badly.
Today, sitting in a dead street behind a truck stop, I got the rest of my solar panels wired. At the campground last month I got the rack on and the panels installed. Dan's been extremely helpful because he's desperately trying to keep me around. I truly feel some guilt about it, using him like this, but I recognize I have to, I absolutely needed his help all along and it was this energy that was lacking the most in him. It's just frustrating to have to periodically check him with rudeness or he gets rude.
Met a fellow today who is either a retired smart guy or a shyster. I vote shyster, because he is way too effed up for all the stuff he said he did. But then, can I just decide that based on nothing? No. It is not impossible and I should not treat someone as a liar to their face or in my behaviour unless I really do know they're lying? Maybe? While typing I consulted my liar detective, which said "Finally, I've been blinking all morning, dummy. Yeah of course he's full a BS. "
Well he was entertaining anyway. I do wonder how much of his voluminous story is true, it sure went all over the place. It's a shame we train people to cover up themselves like this, we never get to see the real person, nor do they get the affirmation of being respected as simple selves. We still pick up on when they're assholes, so it garners no benefit on average. Granted, some make bank on it, but then, they also can get impeached....
I am parked at this truck stop because I know I won't get hustled and so don't have to keep everything strapped and packed. I can take time to think, I can change out my fuel filters, I can meet people. That last is very hopeful as I really need networking, but then, I will probably see more than my share of shysters and madmen in this community. Plus the suspicious survivors.
Funny the trucks don't bother me but some asshole was squealing tires last night at midnight and that disturbed me.
It's been incredibly weird being just plain treated like a man. Called sir, man, dude, guy, and feeling still like my body never changed. I mean, like I have my youthful body back, that kind of change, when my breasts were small and my muscles strong.
Oh man am I ever scrambling on this bus, I'm stretching and bending and swinging my weight up on one arm and bouncing up. I do a stretching routine that has me bending over backward with good support so my abs don't have to bring me back up, and I can get to looking at the ground, touch nose to knees in many bends, put my feet behind or under my head, tickle my armpit with my toes, grasp my fingers behing my back vertically, it's amazing. Absolutely amazing. I kept up the stretching, you see, in spite of the fat, even though my range was far lower, so as the fat melted, my stretching got long again and I regained the range of my best performance. Because my muscles hauled around a 50lb fat suit, they're strong for my body now. I never sat idle, I never stopped trying to be fit. I feel like a retired acrobat. The other day, for curiousity, I thought to try my body at somersaults and such. Well, I did the somersault and by golly, no pain, no problem. Embolded, I tried a cartwheel. Holy crap, my legs went full extension and I did a proper full sideways cartwheel! Ok, how about a hand flip? mmmm, clumsy, not good control, but damn, I did another cartwheel with the remaining lawn area, feeling amazing for my 60th year.
So I'm finally coming out of my shock enough to count my blessings and that's a thing to learn. A person cannot count their blessings in times of great stress, the stress has a distinct physical side which affects the mind, and you need to solve the stress before you can solve the attitude. To solve the stress, you may need to solve for diet and housing and environment and even social community. So that can be quite a problem For me, getting away from that terrible house and it's worse neighborhood is doing it.
Oh I loved my villa sub rosa. The way a woman loves a toxic man. All while it was protecting me from breakins and weather, it was making me sick with mold and decay, and debt. Damn thing was depreciating faster than a used car. Also, it isn't lost on me that I may be able to find a small house or apartment in a better place to live and move out of my bus into the sticks and bricks if I can't make this work.
Oh and the plan still is that Dan will join me, but he's stalling as usual. I think he's finally at the point where he could cancel some jobs and just go, van and trailer ready enough.
Dogs aren't adjusted yet but they aren't dying of the fear either. We conditioned them well too with the time at home followed by the campground.
Oh but I have so much stabilizing to do in here, I think I have to start screwing things down. Straps are in the way and hard to re-rig. As I would use screws, it wouldn't be that hard to remove things if I want to empty the bus and could be faster in fact than messing with the straps. So that's what the next 3.5 days is for, as well I need to sort out the fuel filter. I don't think this bus should leave town without a fuel filter change because of the ancient fuel in the tank, and now I put in some stuff to dissolve it back out, but I definitely need to change the filters. She's having too much trouble running.
So yeah, I"m going to go photograph the filters. With the phone that's currently tethered to my laptop and giving me internet. So byeeeeee.