the search for enlightenment
When I first began, I wanted the wonder. Then as I began to see it, I wanted recognition. I wanted the respect and deference people give to wise ones. I never could have it because as a self-taught and a woman, I am not deserving in the eyes of others. I thought one day the stamp of wisdom would be deep enough on me that others would see it and I'd get that deference. But as I grow wiser I begin to lose interest in it. I begin in fact to want not to want it at all. To be content as nothing more than a mouse in a crack. For years I've known I'm a mouse, that it is my nature to always be disrespected, disregarded, unseen at best, and occasionally found endearing. Like mice are.
I begin now to see that the admiration, respect, or deference of others is not a good thing for me. For anyone. It justifies the ego beyond that of having self confidence to haveing self entitlement. Ego is a weakness, a chink in the armour, a source of suffering. One who wants the deference of others can be hurt by it's withdrawal. An egotist can be crushed by a few words. Only by being powerless, unattached to things, is one truly powerful. From it one finds endless courage and resilience. Because only being fit and useful to the world can truly be a goal. Nothing else can motivate through any trial to persevere until the end, be it success or failure, and then to try again as the event leaves no trace and one receives no thanks or even certainty that one succeeded. The only thing one knows, is that it didn't fail!
So the irony is, as I reach that long held goal of wisdom enough, which was once my hope for social acceptance, I realize that the last step is to discard all desire for social acceptance. Deep inside I know that all desires must be discarded. I am not close enough to that understanding. It doesn't yet make sense. How does one discard the desire for those things which keep one healthy? Food, joy, rest, etc. Without them, one hasn't got health. without health, one's spirit breaks down. Without a strong spirit, one's connection to the inner self breaks down. without that, wisdom is inaccessible and one becomes only a sad hurting animal. So the desire to keep healthy, and therefor to have the things that do this, how does one discard even that? Is it about discarding everything? Or does one retranslate those desires into duty or just mainentance? I suppose that not desiring doesn't mean one neglects. Just that one doesn't even put enough importance on health and fitness to fear it's loss? Oh it's a bit too much for me now. But what I do see, is that I am rapidly losing not only a self image, but the desire to have one. I don't even exactly understand what it is anymore. I'm observing it in others. How their visual and social representation expresses within as a definition of self. For me not to feel like the "me that is" is "that which is seen" and a whole including the body, that's called "disassociation" and is considered a symptom of disorder! I've experienced the right traumas and have the right comorbid signs to translate into being "disordered" but is it a disorder? to see oneself as separate and apart from one's physical and symbolic representation seems pretty spiritual and cosmic! But some would call it crazy, even while recognizing the utter sanity of my logical expressions. Well, sanity or insanity is a pretty abstract concept anyway. It's very relative. Jesus was insane by Roman standards, but a prophet and a god to many. Did he walk on water? Was he an illusionist? Was he a prophet? I'd have to meet the original man to know, LOL, but he's a god now. I need to find a way to be of service more now than ever. But to do so without this continuing need for the payment to come to my ego, my image in the eyes of others. I really don't trust them to like me without some admiration. Huh, see, I want them to value me, somehow, enough to keep me company, but I don't really even understand completely what that means. I see the dog laying next to the rabbit in the yard. They aren't talking, or admiring each other, or getting something done. They are just being near to each other. simply that. For that I only need to go to a crowded place, right? And like dog and rabbit, just remain there quietly. So what's all this talking and sharing and so on about? it's about how others see me. That is ego. That is the place from which suffering comes. Not only to me, but to the world at large. When you act from ego, you make others suffer too.
I begin now to see that the admiration, respect, or deference of others is not a good thing for me. For anyone. It justifies the ego beyond that of having self confidence to haveing self entitlement. Ego is a weakness, a chink in the armour, a source of suffering. One who wants the deference of others can be hurt by it's withdrawal. An egotist can be crushed by a few words. Only by being powerless, unattached to things, is one truly powerful. From it one finds endless courage and resilience. Because only being fit and useful to the world can truly be a goal. Nothing else can motivate through any trial to persevere until the end, be it success or failure, and then to try again as the event leaves no trace and one receives no thanks or even certainty that one succeeded. The only thing one knows, is that it didn't fail!
So the irony is, as I reach that long held goal of wisdom enough, which was once my hope for social acceptance, I realize that the last step is to discard all desire for social acceptance. Deep inside I know that all desires must be discarded. I am not close enough to that understanding. It doesn't yet make sense. How does one discard the desire for those things which keep one healthy? Food, joy, rest, etc. Without them, one hasn't got health. without health, one's spirit breaks down. Without a strong spirit, one's connection to the inner self breaks down. without that, wisdom is inaccessible and one becomes only a sad hurting animal. So the desire to keep healthy, and therefor to have the things that do this, how does one discard even that? Is it about discarding everything? Or does one retranslate those desires into duty or just mainentance? I suppose that not desiring doesn't mean one neglects. Just that one doesn't even put enough importance on health and fitness to fear it's loss? Oh it's a bit too much for me now. But what I do see, is that I am rapidly losing not only a self image, but the desire to have one. I don't even exactly understand what it is anymore. I'm observing it in others. How their visual and social representation expresses within as a definition of self. For me not to feel like the "me that is" is "that which is seen" and a whole including the body, that's called "disassociation" and is considered a symptom of disorder! I've experienced the right traumas and have the right comorbid signs to translate into being "disordered" but is it a disorder? to see oneself as separate and apart from one's physical and symbolic representation seems pretty spiritual and cosmic! But some would call it crazy, even while recognizing the utter sanity of my logical expressions. Well, sanity or insanity is a pretty abstract concept anyway. It's very relative. Jesus was insane by Roman standards, but a prophet and a god to many. Did he walk on water? Was he an illusionist? Was he a prophet? I'd have to meet the original man to know, LOL, but he's a god now. I need to find a way to be of service more now than ever. But to do so without this continuing need for the payment to come to my ego, my image in the eyes of others. I really don't trust them to like me without some admiration. Huh, see, I want them to value me, somehow, enough to keep me company, but I don't really even understand completely what that means. I see the dog laying next to the rabbit in the yard. They aren't talking, or admiring each other, or getting something done. They are just being near to each other. simply that. For that I only need to go to a crowded place, right? And like dog and rabbit, just remain there quietly. So what's all this talking and sharing and so on about? it's about how others see me. That is ego. That is the place from which suffering comes. Not only to me, but to the world at large. When you act from ego, you make others suffer too.