Keep it to yourself and they won't judge you?
Someone tried to suggest that keeping one's own counsel enables one to bypass social judgement.
No. It doesn't. If you tell them you're celibate and sober, they assume you're lying and judge you degenerate anyway. If you tell them you have some vices of any kind, they assume you're mitigating and it's probably a lot worse and they judge you.
What happens when they judge you? Well family denies you aid or comfort, even company. It's the sister with the babies who gets people dropping by with groceries to help her through the week. She has hard evidence of her misbehaviour but she curls her hair and dons pointy shoes, so she's clearly trying, eh?
If I were bound and determined to present a face that others would respect and admire even if they don't know me for shit, assuming I could, I'd actually be supporting that judgmental state. I'd be promoting it. In fact I couldn't just recuse myself from the conversation. Everyone knows if you're too quiet, you're clearly in disagreement. That means you must be forced into accord. You may be forced at first through banishment on some level, like how nobody talks to you after church. Oh you are there every week and you stand around in the lobby after the service with a coffee cup in hand, pinky finger properly erect, pointy shoes and plastic skirt, hair carefully trained to the latest fashion. and you stand there. You walk up to talk to someone and they answer your questions with closed brief answers. That's the first level. Next level is they send in the bullies. These are the people who consider themselves the white knights of the good world. The people who have the courage to go after degenerates. They'll suss you out and pin you down and you'll either capitulate and prove their superior counselling and manipulating skills, or they'll out you enough to have you shuffled out of the group entirely.
Yes, they eventually come and ask you to stop coming. If there's a reason they can't, like it's AA or NA or Alanon or such, they'll forget to tell you about the change in time or location that they all decided on via a phone tree. Bam, you're out. bye.
So what happens to a person so ostracized? Well they go from one group to the next. The only groups that don't judge them are built of the same level or more severe of helplessness and mental illness. You get to sit in a filthy room full of chain smokers bitching about their neighbor's cat or picking a fight or batting at hallucinations or waiting for you to say something offensive or crying for sympathy from you. If you've got anything, so much as half a smoke, they're asking you to give/share it and if you don't, you're an asshole. Judged again. These folks aren't going to know anyone with a job for you. They're not going to pop round if you get sick and see if you need help. they're not going to notice if your cupboard is empty. They won't have hand-me-downs to help your wardrobe. They won't be there to hug you when you cry nor can they come along on a good day and play with you. That's what you're allowed for community if you don't pass muster with the "good people" and pretending to be one of them is not only exceedingly difficult, but fraught with hazard and bound to promote more of the same sick and destructive behaviour. it creates two groups of people, yet again, those that have, and those that haven't.
I've been judged as a degenerate even at times when I lived the life of a nun. Seriously. working hard for too little wages, no alcohol or grass or sex or tobacco. No gambling, partying, vandalism or murder. I wasn't leading children astray or beating on pets. But I kept making the mistake of not being judgemental to others. I had an open mind. In the attempt to participate in conversations, this open mind was displayed and BAM, I was persona non grata. Time and again. Oh I know, you can say "fuck them, they don't know you, go find better people." Well I'm 53 and still haven't found them. Do you know where these people are hiding? do they have food and shelter? Do they need my talents? Would they actually let me stick around? Because so far, nope. From hippies to witches to church people to capitalists to partiers, the only people who ever opened their arms to me night after night were the actual degenerates! Those who felt that LGBTQ folks were perfectly lovely and welcome. Those who passed the joint and agreed that being mean was sucky. Those who just wanted to kiss each other. Those who wanted to dance a little too sexy, dress a little too skimpy, and tease each other. Thing is, they outgrow that and move on to more expensive lifestyles. Things like professional careers or being parents. You can't just keep dipping back into the well either, you get too old to be up till 4 am and it feels sleazy to hang out with people twenty or thirty years younger. But the people your age are busy judgeing you. You're not safe enough around their kids. My god, you have tattoos? My kid might want them! You don't condemn the Gays? My kid might think it's okay to be gay! You're not safe around their homes "you'll probably rob me when I'm not looking because you're poor and i"m not." "You can clean my bathroom for a few bucks but that makes you a charity, not an equal." "you seem clever and hard working, I'm sure you'd be an asset to any company, but not mine."
No, it is not possible to pretend to be someone you aren't unless you're actually psychopathic enough to run two completely different realities in your head at one time. I am not. Blame it on autism. Blame it on idealism. Blame it on intellect. Blame it on pride, I don't care what you blame it on, it is real and I can't fake me.
No. It doesn't. If you tell them you're celibate and sober, they assume you're lying and judge you degenerate anyway. If you tell them you have some vices of any kind, they assume you're mitigating and it's probably a lot worse and they judge you.
What happens when they judge you? Well family denies you aid or comfort, even company. It's the sister with the babies who gets people dropping by with groceries to help her through the week. She has hard evidence of her misbehaviour but she curls her hair and dons pointy shoes, so she's clearly trying, eh?
If I were bound and determined to present a face that others would respect and admire even if they don't know me for shit, assuming I could, I'd actually be supporting that judgmental state. I'd be promoting it. In fact I couldn't just recuse myself from the conversation. Everyone knows if you're too quiet, you're clearly in disagreement. That means you must be forced into accord. You may be forced at first through banishment on some level, like how nobody talks to you after church. Oh you are there every week and you stand around in the lobby after the service with a coffee cup in hand, pinky finger properly erect, pointy shoes and plastic skirt, hair carefully trained to the latest fashion. and you stand there. You walk up to talk to someone and they answer your questions with closed brief answers. That's the first level. Next level is they send in the bullies. These are the people who consider themselves the white knights of the good world. The people who have the courage to go after degenerates. They'll suss you out and pin you down and you'll either capitulate and prove their superior counselling and manipulating skills, or they'll out you enough to have you shuffled out of the group entirely.
Yes, they eventually come and ask you to stop coming. If there's a reason they can't, like it's AA or NA or Alanon or such, they'll forget to tell you about the change in time or location that they all decided on via a phone tree. Bam, you're out. bye.
So what happens to a person so ostracized? Well they go from one group to the next. The only groups that don't judge them are built of the same level or more severe of helplessness and mental illness. You get to sit in a filthy room full of chain smokers bitching about their neighbor's cat or picking a fight or batting at hallucinations or waiting for you to say something offensive or crying for sympathy from you. If you've got anything, so much as half a smoke, they're asking you to give/share it and if you don't, you're an asshole. Judged again. These folks aren't going to know anyone with a job for you. They're not going to pop round if you get sick and see if you need help. they're not going to notice if your cupboard is empty. They won't have hand-me-downs to help your wardrobe. They won't be there to hug you when you cry nor can they come along on a good day and play with you. That's what you're allowed for community if you don't pass muster with the "good people" and pretending to be one of them is not only exceedingly difficult, but fraught with hazard and bound to promote more of the same sick and destructive behaviour. it creates two groups of people, yet again, those that have, and those that haven't.
I've been judged as a degenerate even at times when I lived the life of a nun. Seriously. working hard for too little wages, no alcohol or grass or sex or tobacco. No gambling, partying, vandalism or murder. I wasn't leading children astray or beating on pets. But I kept making the mistake of not being judgemental to others. I had an open mind. In the attempt to participate in conversations, this open mind was displayed and BAM, I was persona non grata. Time and again. Oh I know, you can say "fuck them, they don't know you, go find better people." Well I'm 53 and still haven't found them. Do you know where these people are hiding? do they have food and shelter? Do they need my talents? Would they actually let me stick around? Because so far, nope. From hippies to witches to church people to capitalists to partiers, the only people who ever opened their arms to me night after night were the actual degenerates! Those who felt that LGBTQ folks were perfectly lovely and welcome. Those who passed the joint and agreed that being mean was sucky. Those who just wanted to kiss each other. Those who wanted to dance a little too sexy, dress a little too skimpy, and tease each other. Thing is, they outgrow that and move on to more expensive lifestyles. Things like professional careers or being parents. You can't just keep dipping back into the well either, you get too old to be up till 4 am and it feels sleazy to hang out with people twenty or thirty years younger. But the people your age are busy judgeing you. You're not safe enough around their kids. My god, you have tattoos? My kid might want them! You don't condemn the Gays? My kid might think it's okay to be gay! You're not safe around their homes "you'll probably rob me when I'm not looking because you're poor and i"m not." "You can clean my bathroom for a few bucks but that makes you a charity, not an equal." "you seem clever and hard working, I'm sure you'd be an asset to any company, but not mine."
No, it is not possible to pretend to be someone you aren't unless you're actually psychopathic enough to run two completely different realities in your head at one time. I am not. Blame it on autism. Blame it on idealism. Blame it on intellect. Blame it on pride, I don't care what you blame it on, it is real and I can't fake me.