chemo beating me up
The lassitude. Oh My God. My brain feels stoned before it is and when I smoke the hash it hardly affects me it seems, I'm already so loaded from the nerve damage this last two rounds of chemo did. My fingers now tingle unpleasantly at room temperature but I can't warm up the room because of the hot flashes.
Damn
I've gained 25 lbs now since the surgery and today just skipped breakfast and I'm going really light on the snacks. Fruit, a boiled egg, that sort of thing. So not fasting but eating very little. The challenge of preparing food adds to that. Cold food out of the fridge is painful to work with and it's often not feasible to wear gloves. The gloves aren't sanitary (winter gloves, not latex, to insulate my fingers) and the food often gets the gloves wet anyway and frankly, if they were sanitary enough for food, they don't stay that way long. My energy, though. I've been laying on the couch, had a long morning nap, and I'm using sleep pills to get to sleep and stay there at night. That's helped me feel less miserable. Just having to do a little work in the morning had me weeping with exhaustion, literally weeping. Dan popped back in after going off to work to grab something or something and there I was putting bird dishes together, tears streaming down my face because it was so hard to do. Then I crashed, put on the TV and went to sleep for 2 hours. I have been laying on the couch since but was able to wash dishes, let the dogs out, and feed the dogs. So laying around matters. it's not the boredom that bothers me, it's not boring. It's the guilt. The dog crying for fun. The work I'm not doing. The projects I'm not working on. It's funny, I was thinking earlier how nothing I ever brought to the community table seemed of value. Whatever skill I might have, someone else had it better and I was surplus and unrequired. Yet here I am, feeling guilty for not contributing more. But they never accepted my good faith efforts, my best. Not merely fail to appreciate, but flat out dismissed, refused, ignored. I've been told a reason on occasion, that I'm too eager for praise, attention, or notice. The more I want it, need it, or ask for it, the less I get. The less I get, the harder I need it. A circular situation that leaves me sitting out on my own, denied. That being said, I've been getting attention lately and not only medical. Although it still makes me cry when people are nice to me. It feels so alien and then I weep for myself for all the years without it. It's so instant, like PTSD, it won't resolve in a hurry.
So this FOLFOX chemo damages the nerves themselves. It strips the insulation while robbing the body of nerve fuel. So two fold it messes up your nerves. That includes the brain so my brain gets impaired too.like having low blood sugar.
I just fetched myself some food and used up all my energy. nuts. laterz
Damn
I've gained 25 lbs now since the surgery and today just skipped breakfast and I'm going really light on the snacks. Fruit, a boiled egg, that sort of thing. So not fasting but eating very little. The challenge of preparing food adds to that. Cold food out of the fridge is painful to work with and it's often not feasible to wear gloves. The gloves aren't sanitary (winter gloves, not latex, to insulate my fingers) and the food often gets the gloves wet anyway and frankly, if they were sanitary enough for food, they don't stay that way long. My energy, though. I've been laying on the couch, had a long morning nap, and I'm using sleep pills to get to sleep and stay there at night. That's helped me feel less miserable. Just having to do a little work in the morning had me weeping with exhaustion, literally weeping. Dan popped back in after going off to work to grab something or something and there I was putting bird dishes together, tears streaming down my face because it was so hard to do. Then I crashed, put on the TV and went to sleep for 2 hours. I have been laying on the couch since but was able to wash dishes, let the dogs out, and feed the dogs. So laying around matters. it's not the boredom that bothers me, it's not boring. It's the guilt. The dog crying for fun. The work I'm not doing. The projects I'm not working on. It's funny, I was thinking earlier how nothing I ever brought to the community table seemed of value. Whatever skill I might have, someone else had it better and I was surplus and unrequired. Yet here I am, feeling guilty for not contributing more. But they never accepted my good faith efforts, my best. Not merely fail to appreciate, but flat out dismissed, refused, ignored. I've been told a reason on occasion, that I'm too eager for praise, attention, or notice. The more I want it, need it, or ask for it, the less I get. The less I get, the harder I need it. A circular situation that leaves me sitting out on my own, denied. That being said, I've been getting attention lately and not only medical. Although it still makes me cry when people are nice to me. It feels so alien and then I weep for myself for all the years without it. It's so instant, like PTSD, it won't resolve in a hurry.
So this FOLFOX chemo damages the nerves themselves. It strips the insulation while robbing the body of nerve fuel. So two fold it messes up your nerves. That includes the brain so my brain gets impaired too.like having low blood sugar.
I just fetched myself some food and used up all my energy. nuts. laterz