I've got nothing better to do.
I lived on welfare before Dan came along. It's no incentive to live, trust me. I've tried everything. I've tried working and keep getting told I don't fit in and it's not going to work. I've tried volunteering. After all, who turns down free labour. I get told I don't fit in and it's not going to work. Even the abilities council gave up on me. I'm too ADHD and too autistic. It's not like I'm important. I'm not. Everyone who has the chance makes sure I know. Somehow they all think I think too much of myself. Unless I am down and reflecting what I've been told, then they tell me to think more of myself.
When I'm trying to act like other people they tell me i"m too fake, to be myself. They tell me not to try so hard. So I go out and show myself, be myself. They tell me I could try a little. They tell me I'm too much.
The message? Be a version of yourself that looks authentic but isn't you. Because the "you" that is "you" isn't acceptable. Consequently, I now have no more importance except the man who's killing me. I never did have much,growing up I was just everyone's burden. My mother and father bought skis for me first to see if I'd put up with it before trying to introduce it as a family activity, or so they tell me. True? I dont know but I know I had 2nd hand downhill skis with cross country bindings put on them by my dad while the rest of the family got new fitted cross country skis with waxless surface.
My family frequently put me in my place. I was too conceited and arrogant. So did my school peers, although the really smart kids liked me. By grade ten when cooties and peer pressure no longer forced us to ignore each other in hopes of gaining social acceptance, I even had friends. It was one of the good times in my life. SChool was hell, but I had fun times playing cards in the cafeteria sometimes, there was something to look forward to.
The next time my life took a memorable turn I was living in this house on welfare. I'd chosen my house carefully so the mortgage would fit the budget of welfare and it was working. I budgetted my welfare money judiciously, didn't buy anything that wasn't genuninely necessary, and once a month spent $5 on admission to a club where I'd drink water all night and party and enjoy myself. The friendships I made there would spill over into people I could meet on the street or even invite over.
Then life got lonely again when the club closed and people moved to vancouver, montreal, edmonton, winnipeg and calgary. Even regina. Everyone moved away. No job opportunities for intelligent grads. I even tried moving away to Vancouver but I didn't have the skills needed for the job I thought I could do. I had been taught, for instance, that a school would present me with a curriculum to be followed. But I was expected to create one by the only company who wasn't lying to me in order to get me to enroll for more classes! I'd sent out resumes to every place in the area that taught ESL and gotten only five back. None panned out. That was before I came back here and my parents financed a mortgage out of their investments. Only genuiouly good thing they did for me out of their hearts, I guess, and it wasn't easy to earn enough respect for them to trust me. It was after they'd seen me fixing up another rental dive with my own effort and money that they knew I wasn't just wasting my life partying and whining. I used to think I was doing the next tenant a favour till the time a landlord decided my work was good enough to kick me out so he could raise the rent. My mistake, I asked him to pay for materials out of the rent so he knew I was fixing it up. I'd only just got it done and he told me I had to leave. He'd changed his mind about renting to me and he wanted me out sooner than the legal time frame. To this end, since he lived downstairs, he used me as the excuse to pitch fits on his slag wife. She was busy getting drunk and screwing other men. he decided that as he was away at work all the time, it was her job to get rid of me. I'd hear him telling her, full voice, all the horrible things he'd do to me and wound up calling the police with a knife in my hand, hiding and hoping I wouldn't need to use it. They explained to him about how he had to wait till the end of the month. I took my dog everywhere that last week, even to school where she had to bunk down in a corner of the building, outside, dressed in an old sweater of mine and the snow. It was -20C. She was a tough old dog.
So I was living in this house and finding work where I could without reporting the income, allowing me to fix a car or replace a winter coat, or that sort of thing. The kind of thing welfare doesnt' cover. I got a job that lasted ten years. Night cleaner. it paid 300 a month till I got caught.
I was in trying to get information from a separate government program. I wanted to take some math classes to get into some program or something. I don't remember. I wanted training to get more employable. She started telling me that I wasn't worth the investment, not capable of working at all. that there was no reason to consider me responsible enough. So I told her I had proof, I had been working for some years completely reliably on my own as a night cleaner. She excused herself briefly, came back with a student who was going to listen in for training. AKA witness. Made me repeat myself. It wasn't till I got out of there that I realized how insane the business was. It takes too much of my brain to conversate for me to actually think beyond the conversation. I can access the data in my head, I can spit it out in conversation, I can even gain insight in that process, but to take in what's going on and process that information I have to go away and replay the occasion.
Well the next day the controller at work called and said the government had subpoenaed my pay record. Then later that month, a letter showing me how much I owed them for the back welfare during my employment, the interest, and how much would be removed from my welfare each month to pay it off. I never did pay it off and they actualy tried to bill me after I quit welfare and started living off Dan. At that point I was stuck with a job I couldn't quit. Didn't want to anyway. I felt needed, whether they saw it that way or not. The staff at work changed drastically in the hands of a new manager and all the new staff treated me like a nuisance. When I got mugged that second time and started working day shift it just got ugly. I wasn't allowed to talk with anyone but neither could I ignore the polite conversations they started. I don't know how to do polite conversations. They're either so fake I resent the intrusion or they immediately bring me to a place where I talk too much and they all get to hating me.
So I married Dan. I set about building him up and feeding him right. I found that I had to nag him for everything and anything. Showers? Brush your teeth? Eat your freshies? Simple basic bs any adult should be in charge of and he wouldn't do it. So he'd get miserable and take it out on me. So I'd be nice about it and forgive him and try harder to reach him. I thought I got through to him after we nearly killed Timmy with our fighting but he just wants to fight. If I'm not taking the opposition he'll find a topic I can't resist and needle me about it day and day out till I break.
I make a mistake and it's fucking world war three. Evidence of my unfitness, my lowness. Whatever. Proves I'm fallible, probably always wrong, always clumsy. Drop something once and you're "always clumsy." Fall off your motorbike the first year and it proves you can't drive. Go five years or maybe it's been seven? I dont' know, frankly, but I crashed the bike and that proves I've always been careless, too fast, inattentive, and just can't drive (unless he wants me to go to the store for more stuff for him.)
So nobody out there in the world has me in their lives except Tom, who's going to be just gutted when this goes down. Im sorry for that but Tom, you always took the safe road anyway. You just sat there being uncertain and ineffective, didn't you? A good friend, but not especially useful. Thanks for visiting, it made the last years or so a lot less horrible and probably extended my life by a year. but too little too late is too little and too late.
Funny enough, I'm not feeling thirsty. I presume my body hasn't noticed yet. I don't know if I'll notice the headache because I've had one since thursday from crying. Most of the symptoms of dehydration are likely to be masked by the symptoms of extreme stress I've been enjoying all week. I already hurt all over. Muscles ache, head aches, I'm always tired, always scattered. From what I can tell, terminal dehydration will bring a relief before the end. it'll be a lot faster than merely not eating.
When I'm trying to act like other people they tell me i"m too fake, to be myself. They tell me not to try so hard. So I go out and show myself, be myself. They tell me I could try a little. They tell me I'm too much.
The message? Be a version of yourself that looks authentic but isn't you. Because the "you" that is "you" isn't acceptable. Consequently, I now have no more importance except the man who's killing me. I never did have much,growing up I was just everyone's burden. My mother and father bought skis for me first to see if I'd put up with it before trying to introduce it as a family activity, or so they tell me. True? I dont know but I know I had 2nd hand downhill skis with cross country bindings put on them by my dad while the rest of the family got new fitted cross country skis with waxless surface.
My family frequently put me in my place. I was too conceited and arrogant. So did my school peers, although the really smart kids liked me. By grade ten when cooties and peer pressure no longer forced us to ignore each other in hopes of gaining social acceptance, I even had friends. It was one of the good times in my life. SChool was hell, but I had fun times playing cards in the cafeteria sometimes, there was something to look forward to.
The next time my life took a memorable turn I was living in this house on welfare. I'd chosen my house carefully so the mortgage would fit the budget of welfare and it was working. I budgetted my welfare money judiciously, didn't buy anything that wasn't genuninely necessary, and once a month spent $5 on admission to a club where I'd drink water all night and party and enjoy myself. The friendships I made there would spill over into people I could meet on the street or even invite over.
Then life got lonely again when the club closed and people moved to vancouver, montreal, edmonton, winnipeg and calgary. Even regina. Everyone moved away. No job opportunities for intelligent grads. I even tried moving away to Vancouver but I didn't have the skills needed for the job I thought I could do. I had been taught, for instance, that a school would present me with a curriculum to be followed. But I was expected to create one by the only company who wasn't lying to me in order to get me to enroll for more classes! I'd sent out resumes to every place in the area that taught ESL and gotten only five back. None panned out. That was before I came back here and my parents financed a mortgage out of their investments. Only genuiouly good thing they did for me out of their hearts, I guess, and it wasn't easy to earn enough respect for them to trust me. It was after they'd seen me fixing up another rental dive with my own effort and money that they knew I wasn't just wasting my life partying and whining. I used to think I was doing the next tenant a favour till the time a landlord decided my work was good enough to kick me out so he could raise the rent. My mistake, I asked him to pay for materials out of the rent so he knew I was fixing it up. I'd only just got it done and he told me I had to leave. He'd changed his mind about renting to me and he wanted me out sooner than the legal time frame. To this end, since he lived downstairs, he used me as the excuse to pitch fits on his slag wife. She was busy getting drunk and screwing other men. he decided that as he was away at work all the time, it was her job to get rid of me. I'd hear him telling her, full voice, all the horrible things he'd do to me and wound up calling the police with a knife in my hand, hiding and hoping I wouldn't need to use it. They explained to him about how he had to wait till the end of the month. I took my dog everywhere that last week, even to school where she had to bunk down in a corner of the building, outside, dressed in an old sweater of mine and the snow. It was -20C. She was a tough old dog.
So I was living in this house and finding work where I could without reporting the income, allowing me to fix a car or replace a winter coat, or that sort of thing. The kind of thing welfare doesnt' cover. I got a job that lasted ten years. Night cleaner. it paid 300 a month till I got caught.
I was in trying to get information from a separate government program. I wanted to take some math classes to get into some program or something. I don't remember. I wanted training to get more employable. She started telling me that I wasn't worth the investment, not capable of working at all. that there was no reason to consider me responsible enough. So I told her I had proof, I had been working for some years completely reliably on my own as a night cleaner. She excused herself briefly, came back with a student who was going to listen in for training. AKA witness. Made me repeat myself. It wasn't till I got out of there that I realized how insane the business was. It takes too much of my brain to conversate for me to actually think beyond the conversation. I can access the data in my head, I can spit it out in conversation, I can even gain insight in that process, but to take in what's going on and process that information I have to go away and replay the occasion.
Well the next day the controller at work called and said the government had subpoenaed my pay record. Then later that month, a letter showing me how much I owed them for the back welfare during my employment, the interest, and how much would be removed from my welfare each month to pay it off. I never did pay it off and they actualy tried to bill me after I quit welfare and started living off Dan. At that point I was stuck with a job I couldn't quit. Didn't want to anyway. I felt needed, whether they saw it that way or not. The staff at work changed drastically in the hands of a new manager and all the new staff treated me like a nuisance. When I got mugged that second time and started working day shift it just got ugly. I wasn't allowed to talk with anyone but neither could I ignore the polite conversations they started. I don't know how to do polite conversations. They're either so fake I resent the intrusion or they immediately bring me to a place where I talk too much and they all get to hating me.
So I married Dan. I set about building him up and feeding him right. I found that I had to nag him for everything and anything. Showers? Brush your teeth? Eat your freshies? Simple basic bs any adult should be in charge of and he wouldn't do it. So he'd get miserable and take it out on me. So I'd be nice about it and forgive him and try harder to reach him. I thought I got through to him after we nearly killed Timmy with our fighting but he just wants to fight. If I'm not taking the opposition he'll find a topic I can't resist and needle me about it day and day out till I break.
I make a mistake and it's fucking world war three. Evidence of my unfitness, my lowness. Whatever. Proves I'm fallible, probably always wrong, always clumsy. Drop something once and you're "always clumsy." Fall off your motorbike the first year and it proves you can't drive. Go five years or maybe it's been seven? I dont' know, frankly, but I crashed the bike and that proves I've always been careless, too fast, inattentive, and just can't drive (unless he wants me to go to the store for more stuff for him.)
So nobody out there in the world has me in their lives except Tom, who's going to be just gutted when this goes down. Im sorry for that but Tom, you always took the safe road anyway. You just sat there being uncertain and ineffective, didn't you? A good friend, but not especially useful. Thanks for visiting, it made the last years or so a lot less horrible and probably extended my life by a year. but too little too late is too little and too late.
Funny enough, I'm not feeling thirsty. I presume my body hasn't noticed yet. I don't know if I'll notice the headache because I've had one since thursday from crying. Most of the symptoms of dehydration are likely to be masked by the symptoms of extreme stress I've been enjoying all week. I already hurt all over. Muscles ache, head aches, I'm always tired, always scattered. From what I can tell, terminal dehydration will bring a relief before the end. it'll be a lot faster than merely not eating.