How many pegs are there?
3 am and I don't feel like crying. I'm feeling "normal" actually, though I still think there's no future. I know the tiny house in penticton was a cool dream but I also know I can't really build it alone, especially with Dan physically interfering the whole time as he'll do. He'll try and stop me from doing any purchasing first, then pitch fits over the quality and fitness of each component and each stage of the build.
or I'm too incompetent and I'd build a death trap like he thinks. He tells me I'm a rotten driver, careless and distracted, driving too fast all the time. He tells me all the time how poorly I do things. He never eats something without first demanding I list ingredients and then he gives it quite a lot of suspicion and sniffing first. Maybe I've been poisoning him for ten years and hiding from the evidence. I don't know. How would I know? I'm completely delusional, right? Mom always said I was forgetful, careless, selfish. I'm routinely called arrogant and concieted.
Yeah, that's done it, brought me back to the verge of tears. I can't expect to keep fasting if I'm going to calm down so much. I need the adrenaline of my anguish to perform my chores anyway.
water. I'm drinking water. That's all so far, it's been more than 24 hours now, but less than 48. I think the average hippy fasts ten days, so really, that's at least how long this would take. It's simply not possible to starve oneself to death, I think. I know some few have done it, but I am too craven and weak. Too cowardly and selfish. I always thought of myself as brave, you know. I wish I could just stop my heart and quit facing up to this. I'm hopelessly fucked.
I mean, think about it, what kind of person gets 'taken down a few pegs" by everyone she meets? and after 52 years I'm still as obnoxious as ever. How many more pegs are there anyway? Why am I not on the floor yet? why haven't I fixed this yet?
or I'm too incompetent and I'd build a death trap like he thinks. He tells me I'm a rotten driver, careless and distracted, driving too fast all the time. He tells me all the time how poorly I do things. He never eats something without first demanding I list ingredients and then he gives it quite a lot of suspicion and sniffing first. Maybe I've been poisoning him for ten years and hiding from the evidence. I don't know. How would I know? I'm completely delusional, right? Mom always said I was forgetful, careless, selfish. I'm routinely called arrogant and concieted.
Yeah, that's done it, brought me back to the verge of tears. I can't expect to keep fasting if I'm going to calm down so much. I need the adrenaline of my anguish to perform my chores anyway.
water. I'm drinking water. That's all so far, it's been more than 24 hours now, but less than 48. I think the average hippy fasts ten days, so really, that's at least how long this would take. It's simply not possible to starve oneself to death, I think. I know some few have done it, but I am too craven and weak. Too cowardly and selfish. I always thought of myself as brave, you know. I wish I could just stop my heart and quit facing up to this. I'm hopelessly fucked.
I mean, think about it, what kind of person gets 'taken down a few pegs" by everyone she meets? and after 52 years I'm still as obnoxious as ever. How many more pegs are there anyway? Why am I not on the floor yet? why haven't I fixed this yet?