saturday nothing
I was watching a TV show and the characters turn off the lights before engaging in coitus. That reminded me how Dan turned it into a battle when I wanted to turn off the light. I had to justify it in a way that he would find acceptable although it wasn't about understanding why I wanted what I wanted, it was about making me quit wanting it.
Our entire marriage has been similar, it's about him getting his way or I don't love him enough and he punishes me with his anger. His anger has so many colours. it's the deep purple of his turned shoulder as he studiously ignores me with his headphones on. That's become a lot blacker though because that is now how he spends his free time. Staring at the computer with headphones on.
Or he'd be firing off like a thunderstorm, all greys and oranges, rumbling into lightning strikes where he swears and handles things rough enough to do damage, and threatens damage. He doesn't come after me but I find myself placing myself between him and my pets, plants, and possessions. How often? Who's counting? It puts me in such a state of extreme emotional crisis I try to forget, not catalog.
I can't live this way. If I find a place of peace and calm, he starts agitating. He has an endless supply of causes for agitation and creates the problems on the fly like a comedian tells jokes.
I can't live without him. I was almost happy here alone except there wasn't enough money to eat and attempting to get work only put me at a need for much more food. You can get by on almost nothing if you can just sit still a lot, but if you have to spend 20hrs a week cleaning a split level theatre by yourself every day, plus the bike ride to and fro, you need to eat. I was doing okay for awhile till Welfare started taking that amount off my cheque, essentially putting me back where I was before I took the job, but with a job I had to do.
I guess that's the whole "it's only fair, we all have to work for our food."
So I'm still fasting at this point, mid morning on Saturday. It's harder now because you get so tired of being upset that eventually you sleep it off, and then my will falters. But a quick reminder like this of how untenable my options are sure fixes it.
Oh I can't build that house myself and leave by myself. First off, I don't have enough sanity to do the people interactions it demands, like selling the fish, buying the trailer, etc. Can't even go to a store anymore, athough Dan doesn't know that yet. I'll try and get to the grocery store for some rabbit food by bicycle before fasting gets to me, but I dunno, it may already have, or I'll rebound in a day and start functioning in fasting mode. I truly don't know. I've never gone this long without even juice or a cracker or some greens out the back yard. I mean, I've never been unable to find some nutrition, however slight. So I don't know how this process works. The hippies i know who fast always use juice for nutrition. They say by day three their energy jumps but on only water, I cant say how I'll do. Frankly, there's nothing considered about this, I'm just not eating. A line from a song by Ed's Redeeming Qualities (yes, that's a band name) goes "I'm not eating, I'm not anything till she gives up on me." I guess that's how I feel. I'm not eating till he gives up on me. But when he leaves, I still won't be paying the bills or speaking to anyone outside, so that could get pretty interesting. Eventually they'll come hammering on the door to find me hiding and crying in the basement, I expect, but will it be before or after the utilities are turned off? And I feel terrible about the pets even now. They've already lost me. Sort of. I mechanically change the water and give out the freshies and I did get the rabbit litter box cleaned today. But Timmy gets no play time and neither he or sam get any chit chat or attention from me. I just sit here staring at my screens, tippy tapping, sometimes typing. Doing nothing really. Then sleeping sleeping sleeping. Get up and let the dog out. Sleep till six. Feed and let the dog out, sleep till Dan shows up. In between there'll be a couple hours maybe of this crap, with the ipad. I do wash the dishes too. Not much of them since I quit cooking and eating. Dan's answer to everything is to be more absent.
I really don't want to keep living. I really can't see anything to look forward to, just the current untenable situation. I don't even love him anymore because he's killing me.
How's he acting currently? Well like anyone, he's nice to me when I'm in crisis. The only time anyone ever gives me any attention or comfort is when I'm in crisis. apparently I want attention too much to deserve it or something. Humans are fucking crazy.
they say a murderer kills himself and a suicide kills the world. I'm still wondering. I think I want to kill the world mostly, but I'll settle for exit, whatever that brings. I just can't do it properly though, I know that. I tried so many times as a teen and just kept making myself sick. I don't know why trying something more definite terrifies me. Well, I'm afraid of it failing too. Instead of dying, everyone knows and is interfering, forcing me to go on with a life I hate. The only thing I can think of that I can do is stop eating and lie to Dan that I'm eating. He asked me last night if I'd eaten and I told him I had. So that's really all it takes with him. He asked me what I ate and I just said "smoked meat." I'm afraid he'll be home from work tomorrow or the next day and that'll be harder, but I may use that day to ride my bike out into the city and just stay out somehow. Somewhere. On easter sunday and I'm not eating or even drinking coffee. And it's too cold to sit outside. Yeah, it'll be a challenge, I better dress extra warm.
I could pick a store far enough away to spend the time commuting by bike. Other than climbing the bridge there's no significant hills in the way so I don't worry too much about not having the energy to ride. Driving, however, would require too much concentration which has been shot since thursday night. My brain is broken.
Our entire marriage has been similar, it's about him getting his way or I don't love him enough and he punishes me with his anger. His anger has so many colours. it's the deep purple of his turned shoulder as he studiously ignores me with his headphones on. That's become a lot blacker though because that is now how he spends his free time. Staring at the computer with headphones on.
Or he'd be firing off like a thunderstorm, all greys and oranges, rumbling into lightning strikes where he swears and handles things rough enough to do damage, and threatens damage. He doesn't come after me but I find myself placing myself between him and my pets, plants, and possessions. How often? Who's counting? It puts me in such a state of extreme emotional crisis I try to forget, not catalog.
I can't live this way. If I find a place of peace and calm, he starts agitating. He has an endless supply of causes for agitation and creates the problems on the fly like a comedian tells jokes.
I can't live without him. I was almost happy here alone except there wasn't enough money to eat and attempting to get work only put me at a need for much more food. You can get by on almost nothing if you can just sit still a lot, but if you have to spend 20hrs a week cleaning a split level theatre by yourself every day, plus the bike ride to and fro, you need to eat. I was doing okay for awhile till Welfare started taking that amount off my cheque, essentially putting me back where I was before I took the job, but with a job I had to do.
I guess that's the whole "it's only fair, we all have to work for our food."
So I'm still fasting at this point, mid morning on Saturday. It's harder now because you get so tired of being upset that eventually you sleep it off, and then my will falters. But a quick reminder like this of how untenable my options are sure fixes it.
Oh I can't build that house myself and leave by myself. First off, I don't have enough sanity to do the people interactions it demands, like selling the fish, buying the trailer, etc. Can't even go to a store anymore, athough Dan doesn't know that yet. I'll try and get to the grocery store for some rabbit food by bicycle before fasting gets to me, but I dunno, it may already have, or I'll rebound in a day and start functioning in fasting mode. I truly don't know. I've never gone this long without even juice or a cracker or some greens out the back yard. I mean, I've never been unable to find some nutrition, however slight. So I don't know how this process works. The hippies i know who fast always use juice for nutrition. They say by day three their energy jumps but on only water, I cant say how I'll do. Frankly, there's nothing considered about this, I'm just not eating. A line from a song by Ed's Redeeming Qualities (yes, that's a band name) goes "I'm not eating, I'm not anything till she gives up on me." I guess that's how I feel. I'm not eating till he gives up on me. But when he leaves, I still won't be paying the bills or speaking to anyone outside, so that could get pretty interesting. Eventually they'll come hammering on the door to find me hiding and crying in the basement, I expect, but will it be before or after the utilities are turned off? And I feel terrible about the pets even now. They've already lost me. Sort of. I mechanically change the water and give out the freshies and I did get the rabbit litter box cleaned today. But Timmy gets no play time and neither he or sam get any chit chat or attention from me. I just sit here staring at my screens, tippy tapping, sometimes typing. Doing nothing really. Then sleeping sleeping sleeping. Get up and let the dog out. Sleep till six. Feed and let the dog out, sleep till Dan shows up. In between there'll be a couple hours maybe of this crap, with the ipad. I do wash the dishes too. Not much of them since I quit cooking and eating. Dan's answer to everything is to be more absent.
I really don't want to keep living. I really can't see anything to look forward to, just the current untenable situation. I don't even love him anymore because he's killing me.
How's he acting currently? Well like anyone, he's nice to me when I'm in crisis. The only time anyone ever gives me any attention or comfort is when I'm in crisis. apparently I want attention too much to deserve it or something. Humans are fucking crazy.
they say a murderer kills himself and a suicide kills the world. I'm still wondering. I think I want to kill the world mostly, but I'll settle for exit, whatever that brings. I just can't do it properly though, I know that. I tried so many times as a teen and just kept making myself sick. I don't know why trying something more definite terrifies me. Well, I'm afraid of it failing too. Instead of dying, everyone knows and is interfering, forcing me to go on with a life I hate. The only thing I can think of that I can do is stop eating and lie to Dan that I'm eating. He asked me last night if I'd eaten and I told him I had. So that's really all it takes with him. He asked me what I ate and I just said "smoked meat." I'm afraid he'll be home from work tomorrow or the next day and that'll be harder, but I may use that day to ride my bike out into the city and just stay out somehow. Somewhere. On easter sunday and I'm not eating or even drinking coffee. And it's too cold to sit outside. Yeah, it'll be a challenge, I better dress extra warm.
I could pick a store far enough away to spend the time commuting by bike. Other than climbing the bridge there's no significant hills in the way so I don't worry too much about not having the energy to ride. Driving, however, would require too much concentration which has been shot since thursday night. My brain is broken.