Brain on fire
I'm not doing very well at my plan to meditate. I'm either happy and it's going fine, or I'm in too much crisis! First I'm healing from the crash and still dealing with a prick who's trying harder and harder to have an explosion. Then I tell him about the accident and he blows. I blow.
I just don't believe in him. He's trying this morning, but he'll be just trying by tonight if I'm not still "mad."
He jerks me around so bad I just haven't got the defenses and my spirit is too weak anymore. I'm apologizing to my pets for not being stronger for them, for the mental anguish they feel witnessing mine. I'm cancelling visits from Tom because i feel like I'm too dislikeable.
Didn't eat breakfast. I want to stop eating. I can't make myself kill myself but maybe I can quit eating and die that way. I really want to die, I do, I promise you all. I really don't want to impose myself on your world. I didn't want to be here as a little kid either. I'm just that utterly despicable I can't even die to suit anyone.
I think I believe him. I think I believe that I'm the whole problem. Nobody likes me after all. They always call me selfish, self centered, manipulative and decietful. They don't want me around.
Now Dan is talking about how I conned him from the very beginning. Maybe I did. Maybe I'm so good I have myself firmly deluded.
If that's who I am, there is no justification.
If it's not, it's irrelevant, I'm still dross. Completely fucking useless to anyone. I dont' have any skills anyone wants. I don't have a personality anyone wants. I don't have strengths anyone wants. I'm not even pretty to look at anymore and getting uglier with every tear.
I am the ultimate proof that there is no order, justice, or plan in place. I would not be here if there was because I am not here for anything. Just an extra weed that doesn't know why it's not allowed to grow in the sidewalk.
Grow where you're planted. Then we'll hit you with our boot heels every day. Good luck with that.
doesn't matter why they hate me. It's really not something I'm able to fix. I gave it a lot more effort than anyone else ever does. It's impossible. I don't even have any ability to gain insight anymore. I don't have anyone to mirror me. One by one I cast them all away because the person they said I was was a horrible selfish person out to take take take. So I quit taking and left. I try and talk to strangers but they look at me like a pedophile chasing their children. There's really nothing to say I'm not an evil villain, is there? What have I ever done to justify myself? Nothing. Others get accolades, I dont' even get a paycheck. I'm too worthless.
Why am I talking about myself so negatively? I'm trying to convince myself once and for all to utterly give up and die inside. To stop caring about myself or anything so I can find the courage to quit. I hate my life. I hate life. I hate being myself. I tried to love myself. I certainly feel sorry for myself but I don't really understand what self love is. I've been told many times I think too much of myself. So I guess I love myself too much anyone. So self hate maybe will mold me, finally, into something the world wants or uses? or at least it'll kill me. How in fuck do I another fifty years of this? The only feeling I inspire in others is pity. That makes me feel as patehtic as I look.
It's the only thing I've got is my pathos and I don't want it. I don't want to play that role, there's worthier people to use up sympathy. I'm nothing. why do I still live?
I've no idea.
I just don't believe in him. He's trying this morning, but he'll be just trying by tonight if I'm not still "mad."
He jerks me around so bad I just haven't got the defenses and my spirit is too weak anymore. I'm apologizing to my pets for not being stronger for them, for the mental anguish they feel witnessing mine. I'm cancelling visits from Tom because i feel like I'm too dislikeable.
Didn't eat breakfast. I want to stop eating. I can't make myself kill myself but maybe I can quit eating and die that way. I really want to die, I do, I promise you all. I really don't want to impose myself on your world. I didn't want to be here as a little kid either. I'm just that utterly despicable I can't even die to suit anyone.
I think I believe him. I think I believe that I'm the whole problem. Nobody likes me after all. They always call me selfish, self centered, manipulative and decietful. They don't want me around.
Now Dan is talking about how I conned him from the very beginning. Maybe I did. Maybe I'm so good I have myself firmly deluded.
If that's who I am, there is no justification.
If it's not, it's irrelevant, I'm still dross. Completely fucking useless to anyone. I dont' have any skills anyone wants. I don't have a personality anyone wants. I don't have strengths anyone wants. I'm not even pretty to look at anymore and getting uglier with every tear.
I am the ultimate proof that there is no order, justice, or plan in place. I would not be here if there was because I am not here for anything. Just an extra weed that doesn't know why it's not allowed to grow in the sidewalk.
Grow where you're planted. Then we'll hit you with our boot heels every day. Good luck with that.
doesn't matter why they hate me. It's really not something I'm able to fix. I gave it a lot more effort than anyone else ever does. It's impossible. I don't even have any ability to gain insight anymore. I don't have anyone to mirror me. One by one I cast them all away because the person they said I was was a horrible selfish person out to take take take. So I quit taking and left. I try and talk to strangers but they look at me like a pedophile chasing their children. There's really nothing to say I'm not an evil villain, is there? What have I ever done to justify myself? Nothing. Others get accolades, I dont' even get a paycheck. I'm too worthless.
Why am I talking about myself so negatively? I'm trying to convince myself once and for all to utterly give up and die inside. To stop caring about myself or anything so I can find the courage to quit. I hate my life. I hate life. I hate being myself. I tried to love myself. I certainly feel sorry for myself but I don't really understand what self love is. I've been told many times I think too much of myself. So I guess I love myself too much anyone. So self hate maybe will mold me, finally, into something the world wants or uses? or at least it'll kill me. How in fuck do I another fifty years of this? The only feeling I inspire in others is pity. That makes me feel as patehtic as I look.
It's the only thing I've got is my pathos and I don't want it. I don't want to play that role, there's worthier people to use up sympathy. I'm nothing. why do I still live?
I've no idea.