60 days or four days?
How ironic is it the title of this blog? Next fifty years, LOL.
So I looked up how long people can go without food. The amount of water being taken in seems to directly affect it more than I thought. With lots of water, I could last 60 days before organ failure began. usually heart attack. Without water, though, it would be over by the weekend.
Faster seems better. It won't be as hard to keep my will up for a few days as for two months!
Will Dan notice? Of course not.
I'll make him up a list of places to send the pets. I feel terrible about doing this to them. The rabbits will just get euthanized and that's a terrible thing with one of them being so old and holding on, only to be euthanized because his caretaker committed suicide. Toby's 11 and counting but he won't see summer in Dan's hands. Sam will probably be better off, it's been a lousy home for him in terms of enrichment. He just hangs in that cage doing nothing day in and day out and that's cruel.
Timmy is the worst off. Dan will keep him but fail to care for him and he'll get sick and die pretty quickly. Poor little mite. I really wanted a future with him and he's so sweet.
The koi can probably be rehomed via a few places that sell koi so I'll make up a list for him. I won't give him the list right away since if I actually tell him I'm killing myself he'll interfere. He'll never notice on his own. He's oblivious that way. Utterly and hopelessly self centered to the point his wife can starve herself to death and he won't know till she's dead. Surely a man deserving of that fate if anyone is.
I texted him with some quotes about emotional abuse and told him he is killing me, that I will die. Of course he took it as emotional threats and blackmail. Hey, I'm probably the person doing the emotional abuse. In which case it'll be a brighter world without me. So anyway, to minimize my sense of guilt and manipulation I'm not saying much at all about it other than that. I just wanted him to know, I guess.
I guess if he'd come home with flowers or even checked on me in spite of my attitude it might have meant something but in fact he has never bought me a gift since I gave him permission to ignore christmas and birthdays. those were the only gifts he ever gave and they were all poorly chosen, like the year he bought me rope, bungee cords and a keychain at the canadian tire store.
Yeah, that's how much I'm on his mind. As in almost never. If I die up in the attic I know he will just get a big old board, board over the hole to the loft, and leave my carcass up there to do whatever it will till someone plows the house in and finds it. So I actually hope I manage to be downstairs when I expire because that's just too gross. On the up side, dying of starvation just might actually be the least disgusting death. I won't void bowels or bladder when I go, or froth or barf, or bleed at all. Just pretty much fall asleep after resisting powerful thirst and hunger. If I can. I've never tried so who knows? I've failed at every other thing I've tried, suicide included.
But I don't know anyone with better self control outside of my constant tear shedding. People take it for a loss of control, but it's independant of that, it's more of an automatic response to stress, like sweating, due to a head injury in childhood. I just cry whether I try not to or not, if something bothers me. But I've gone two days without food now so I just might be up to this challenge.
Finally a way to kill myself that won't leave me crippled in a hospital on SSRIs with annoying assholes bitching me out every day for being me.
I'm so tired of being bitched out for existing. I really am. From kindergarten onward that's all the world ever really has for me. I don't know what's so abhorrent about me. I watch these tv shows or hear about people from Tom or Dan and there's so many horrible people around. They hurt and abuse wantonly with great intent, but they're still better than me? I can only conclude that I have in fact self deluded for years and years about what kind of woman I am and I do not deserve food or water or care from anyone, including myself.
And that's my bottom line. I'm not worthy of life sustaining care and I'm going to withdraw said care till I'm dead. Maybe. I'm going to try. Nobody will get in the way anyway, they'll never know. I'm alone all day, who would know I wasn't eating or drinking? Just my poor dog.
I scared him really bad today. He's already worried like nobody's business for good reason. He doesn't like this at all. So I brought him up the ladder and he went up into the loft and I followed, but turned wrong somehow. My left leg is still quite injured and something about how I turned just sent pain shooting from the arch of my foot all the way to my hip joint. I fell limp crying in pain and poor timmy got freaked out kissing my face and worrying. Then I tried to get up and cried in pain again, poor guy kept going at my face like he would eat it. finally I mustered enough determination to put it behind me so he could calm down and managed to slither into my bed at the end of the loft. I'm being far more careful coming up here to avoid that again, although pain like that sure helps with killing the appetite.
it's 12:30 in the morning. I might be up for the eclipse of the moon and if I am, it'll show through my loft window. That will be nice. If I watch a show, I get too sleepy to watch, but turn it off, and I start thinking again about everything and can't sleep for crying again. Its' a nuisance. Being awake is terribly boring.
on the upside, if I quit drinking water I won't have to go down to pee constantly. I'm peeing like a coffee drinker! It's annoying and I figure it's because I'm drinking 30oz of water a day and nothing else. I've already quit pooping which is lovely.
So I looked up how long people can go without food. The amount of water being taken in seems to directly affect it more than I thought. With lots of water, I could last 60 days before organ failure began. usually heart attack. Without water, though, it would be over by the weekend.
Faster seems better. It won't be as hard to keep my will up for a few days as for two months!
Will Dan notice? Of course not.
I'll make him up a list of places to send the pets. I feel terrible about doing this to them. The rabbits will just get euthanized and that's a terrible thing with one of them being so old and holding on, only to be euthanized because his caretaker committed suicide. Toby's 11 and counting but he won't see summer in Dan's hands. Sam will probably be better off, it's been a lousy home for him in terms of enrichment. He just hangs in that cage doing nothing day in and day out and that's cruel.
Timmy is the worst off. Dan will keep him but fail to care for him and he'll get sick and die pretty quickly. Poor little mite. I really wanted a future with him and he's so sweet.
The koi can probably be rehomed via a few places that sell koi so I'll make up a list for him. I won't give him the list right away since if I actually tell him I'm killing myself he'll interfere. He'll never notice on his own. He's oblivious that way. Utterly and hopelessly self centered to the point his wife can starve herself to death and he won't know till she's dead. Surely a man deserving of that fate if anyone is.
I texted him with some quotes about emotional abuse and told him he is killing me, that I will die. Of course he took it as emotional threats and blackmail. Hey, I'm probably the person doing the emotional abuse. In which case it'll be a brighter world without me. So anyway, to minimize my sense of guilt and manipulation I'm not saying much at all about it other than that. I just wanted him to know, I guess.
I guess if he'd come home with flowers or even checked on me in spite of my attitude it might have meant something but in fact he has never bought me a gift since I gave him permission to ignore christmas and birthdays. those were the only gifts he ever gave and they were all poorly chosen, like the year he bought me rope, bungee cords and a keychain at the canadian tire store.
Yeah, that's how much I'm on his mind. As in almost never. If I die up in the attic I know he will just get a big old board, board over the hole to the loft, and leave my carcass up there to do whatever it will till someone plows the house in and finds it. So I actually hope I manage to be downstairs when I expire because that's just too gross. On the up side, dying of starvation just might actually be the least disgusting death. I won't void bowels or bladder when I go, or froth or barf, or bleed at all. Just pretty much fall asleep after resisting powerful thirst and hunger. If I can. I've never tried so who knows? I've failed at every other thing I've tried, suicide included.
But I don't know anyone with better self control outside of my constant tear shedding. People take it for a loss of control, but it's independant of that, it's more of an automatic response to stress, like sweating, due to a head injury in childhood. I just cry whether I try not to or not, if something bothers me. But I've gone two days without food now so I just might be up to this challenge.
Finally a way to kill myself that won't leave me crippled in a hospital on SSRIs with annoying assholes bitching me out every day for being me.
I'm so tired of being bitched out for existing. I really am. From kindergarten onward that's all the world ever really has for me. I don't know what's so abhorrent about me. I watch these tv shows or hear about people from Tom or Dan and there's so many horrible people around. They hurt and abuse wantonly with great intent, but they're still better than me? I can only conclude that I have in fact self deluded for years and years about what kind of woman I am and I do not deserve food or water or care from anyone, including myself.
And that's my bottom line. I'm not worthy of life sustaining care and I'm going to withdraw said care till I'm dead. Maybe. I'm going to try. Nobody will get in the way anyway, they'll never know. I'm alone all day, who would know I wasn't eating or drinking? Just my poor dog.
I scared him really bad today. He's already worried like nobody's business for good reason. He doesn't like this at all. So I brought him up the ladder and he went up into the loft and I followed, but turned wrong somehow. My left leg is still quite injured and something about how I turned just sent pain shooting from the arch of my foot all the way to my hip joint. I fell limp crying in pain and poor timmy got freaked out kissing my face and worrying. Then I tried to get up and cried in pain again, poor guy kept going at my face like he would eat it. finally I mustered enough determination to put it behind me so he could calm down and managed to slither into my bed at the end of the loft. I'm being far more careful coming up here to avoid that again, although pain like that sure helps with killing the appetite.
it's 12:30 in the morning. I might be up for the eclipse of the moon and if I am, it'll show through my loft window. That will be nice. If I watch a show, I get too sleepy to watch, but turn it off, and I start thinking again about everything and can't sleep for crying again. Its' a nuisance. Being awake is terribly boring.
on the upside, if I quit drinking water I won't have to go down to pee constantly. I'm peeing like a coffee drinker! It's annoying and I figure it's because I'm drinking 30oz of water a day and nothing else. I've already quit pooping which is lovely.