Being naive sucks

I mean, the only interactions I have with anyone are commercial.  Store keepers and clerks. Really. People selling something.  So it isn't shocking that those relationships are entirely dependant on my having money to spend.

But it still hurts to realize it when the person has been oh so nice for so long.

the place where I get poultry and eggs.  They're so friendly, they were always so nice and accommodating.  I was getting into long DM conversations with the business owner, feeling like I had a friendship. I really felt a connection. Felt like I had a friend. Then I started feeling less confident about telling her my problems and instead tried to get her talking about hers. She did, a little. But I was really starting to feel the cool off. I chalked it up to her stress and backed off.  Over time it got colder and colder.  Meantime my budget had gotten tighter and my spending in her store had radically slowed down. From spending up to 500 a month I was spending 100.  I didn't make the connection. Until recently. She posted something upsetting and I tried to express to her that it was upsetting. Instead of any concern about my feelings was "'I'm okay with hard feelings."   Which is the same thing as saying "I don't care how it made you feel." Which is the same thing as saying "stop thinking I actually give a shit about you already, I never did, you got the wrong idea, I just wanted to keep a big customer happy and you're nobody now." 

which is a lot to chew on for me.

Because I liked her. Or thought I did. And she's not the person I liked and I didn't like her and she never liked me and it was all a stupid sales lie and I"m the fool.

It's not the first time this has happened to me.

Might be the last. This was the worst. I might remember in future that every fucking human on the planet is false.

They're all liars. Not one of them is here for human connection, they just want wha tthey want out of it and they don't need anything I have to offer because nobody wants anything but money out of anyone anymore. 

So I guess...

I guess I stop worrying about starburst tees too, because that's probably the same fucking thing. Natasha acts like a friend, but she's a store owner and I was a customer and might be a product supplier. It's business.

I'm sick of it. I"m fucking knitting on this shitty damn tie for three months now and I damn well know her customers don't wear ties, much less fancy ones.

I'm tired of servicing fake relationships.

That's my new facebook statement. I'm tired of servicing fake relationships and I'm convinced that's everyone.

So pissed. So tired.  So lonely. So hopeless. I really don't know how to stop feeling lonely yet and I truly believe that's my only answer. stop feeling the lack of people.

I mean, I want them to come over and compliment me. Doesn't happen. That's what i want. Tell me I"m a good decorator or a good cook.

But no, I get the effort to come over and that's it. Fuck you all.

I've done better, I earned better.  I'm done doing. 

fuck you all

fuck you all

fuck you all

I'm an island.

i'm not a murderer and I can't suicide but I can fucking well sit and hide forever and you won't know what you're missing.

Doesn't seem lilke anyone likes what they're missing anyway so that's on me. I'm clearly some kind of horrible monster, but I don't see it. I feel like the last unicorn in hell and you're all the monsters.