thoughts on gender
I just realized, everyone I've written off over the last three or so years knew me as a pretty female.
People are insincere with pretty women, did you know that? They're friendly because they hope she'll sleep with them. Or because they have to be due to a commerce relationship. But nobody respects pretty women generally, because we've been taught they can and do get by on looks alone. It's patently untrue, but it's not untrue that pretty women get an easier ride in general. Not just doors opening, but general co-operativity that just dies in middle age. Suddenly she's dumped into the normal world of surly, busy people who DGAF about her day. if she's not spent that time working on alternatives to being decorative, she's going to the plastic surgeon. Most do want to be more thana decoration. They're real people who want to contribute and matter just as much as the rest.
Well anyway, it's interesting that there's all these insincere people around me. Thing is, I had the sense that Elise genuinely wants to like me, but there's a viper tongue spewing poison in her ear and the viper is important to her. I mean, this is why I gave up on her back when she first hooked up with Carrie. I used to be friends with her but she just got too busy for me. I never really made much of it. Until she came back to town and was really snobby and busy with me. like not much more time than it takes to make pretty phrases and smiles. These things do tend to suck me in, mind you. Well anyway, when Elise and Carrie connected, Elise's behaviour towards me began to mirror Carrie's, and it hasn't quit. So I don't see any point in discussing it. I won't ghost her but I won't ask anything or initiate and from what I've seen, if I am not the one who starts it, it doesn't start. So that's another clue Elise also does not actually like me anymore, whatever the reason.
It isn't relevant if the reason is true or whether I know it, because they're being mean girls from what I can see and Carrie is a bitch. An effective bitch, but many of them are, right? And Elise chooses to be her sidekick. So that's sayonara for me, because there's nothing there for me.
I want male friends anyway. I just don't know how to get it happening.
That was another problem with the guild. The only man there was the prissy prezzy and I wasn't up for yet more female company and chat. I'm kind of sick and tired of women. Was long ago. Well, frankly, I'm emotionally incredibly misogynistic. It's my intellectual understanding how much bullshit those feelings are, which keeps them in check. I've never enjoyed female company much. Some women, sure, but then I'd get a crush on them... I mean, come on, people kept shoving a boy in with the girls, saying "go chit chat with the women." I wanted to learn boy stuff but I was physically barred over and over. It was at the point I would have to had to be violent, and I did try making a scene. It was then made clear that I was skating on very thin ice and if I didn't settle down and accept my lot in life and learn to do girl properly, they'd take away all my rights and freedoms and make me live in a terrifying place with screaming people (the "nut house.")
Seriously potent threat, especially when they're taking you there for assessments and counselling.
Well, it does feel a bit more reasonable to have swept my book so clean, when viewed in the light of them all still treating me like a weak little bimbo girl.
Bimbo core, LOL, that's what I used to do, because I was sexy enough to easily pull it off. I mean, at home it was the same old tees and pants, and work was whatever was appropriate to the job. But when I got turnt out, it was always sexpot on some level, whether it was witchy vibes, punky vibes or barbie vibes, and I did them all like anyone would.
Well people don't take you seriously when you're that hot.
Oh shut up, it's not bragging if it's simple fact. You don't have to be linda evangelista to be hot, you know, you can be girl next door hot, and you can be flawed and hot, and you can be smart and hot too.
Hot is just fit and healthy and no deformities, really. Fitting a status quo conformity of physique. It's not a value judgement so much as a descriptor in it's use here. To help you place my life experience becuase I got the cat calls and the harassment too. I escaped straight up rape, but there was a lot of assault all the same. I grew up in an era when women were still taught to consider men as barely human beasts with whom one shouldn't be alone. That men will push every boundary, always, and it's your job to enforce and hold those boundaries. That if you let yourself be alone with him, you are in trouble and double the fool. so don't go home with anyone unless you want to have sex.
Stuff like not dressing too revealing, keeping the flesh contained in clothing, minding your motions, poses and manners, and so on. Essentially all the "it's a girl's responsibility not to turn on the boys so much they lose their minds" ennabling crap that makes the old men say "but it was different then." It actually was! They grew up with the notion that a girl was a puzzle box to be broken into.
oh, no, not an excuse, I'm enjoying seeing them finally get called out and held responsible.
It's just, well, that's the world it was, and that's why I think I avoided rape. I came close a few times. Had that instinctive sense of danger, and made for the nearest exit. Got away.
Want to hear a story? I'm in the mood. Next entry, though, mkay?