head banging
I was watching a man talk about his childhood experience in a residential school. He mentioned about his reaction to being sent back after trekking through the snow and ice to get home and report on the horrible conditions. As they always did in those days, they discounted his childish witness as excess imagination and childish fear. They sent him back to suffer.
His response was to believe nobody would save him and nothing could be done but to try and die. He says he started banging his head on the walls to try and die. He used to go outside and take off his coat and sit in the snow hoping to freeze to death.
I used to do those things too. For the same reasons. From as far back as age 7 I've been suicidal. I've felt that I am simply not equipped to face life. Ironic that I've survived so much when I feel uncapable of meeting the demands of life. I guess it's the demands of other people, not simply of being alive. It's autumn again. I'm fatter than ever, nearly 190 pounds, or sometimes maybe over depending on fluid retention and all. My asthma rages uncontrolled in spite of meds and redoing the bathroom to eliminate the mold. My back aches and my body just kind of hurts randomly everywhere. I feel like I"m climbing uphill in a slime pit. My body hunches and I just want to curl up as tight as I can and hide from everything. Our bills get steadily further behind each week and it scares me. When will they start doing something about it? I want to get work but who'll hire me? I couldn't get work when I was healthy, but now? who hires an annoying manly woman who can only work 12 hours a week in the afternoon? How could I make anything at that speed anyway? I tried selling stuff but I get a pittance for a fraction if I get anything. Nobody seems interested in things I post online, I get no responses at all. It feels personal even though I can't understand by what mechanism. I just figure there's a god and it's got a hate on for me. Well, I needed to talk about it but I didn't want the back talk I'd get for telling people on social media. I don't really like how it goes when I try and talk in person either. I get argued with, or scolded, or pitied.
His response was to believe nobody would save him and nothing could be done but to try and die. He says he started banging his head on the walls to try and die. He used to go outside and take off his coat and sit in the snow hoping to freeze to death.
I used to do those things too. For the same reasons. From as far back as age 7 I've been suicidal. I've felt that I am simply not equipped to face life. Ironic that I've survived so much when I feel uncapable of meeting the demands of life. I guess it's the demands of other people, not simply of being alive. It's autumn again. I'm fatter than ever, nearly 190 pounds, or sometimes maybe over depending on fluid retention and all. My asthma rages uncontrolled in spite of meds and redoing the bathroom to eliminate the mold. My back aches and my body just kind of hurts randomly everywhere. I feel like I"m climbing uphill in a slime pit. My body hunches and I just want to curl up as tight as I can and hide from everything. Our bills get steadily further behind each week and it scares me. When will they start doing something about it? I want to get work but who'll hire me? I couldn't get work when I was healthy, but now? who hires an annoying manly woman who can only work 12 hours a week in the afternoon? How could I make anything at that speed anyway? I tried selling stuff but I get a pittance for a fraction if I get anything. Nobody seems interested in things I post online, I get no responses at all. It feels personal even though I can't understand by what mechanism. I just figure there's a god and it's got a hate on for me. Well, I needed to talk about it but I didn't want the back talk I'd get for telling people on social media. I don't really like how it goes when I try and talk in person either. I get argued with, or scolded, or pitied.