it isn't about worthiness

When I feel suicidal, it's not about whether I deserve to live, or am worthy of life, or how important I am.  I already know that's all BS. We are all both important and unimportant depending on perspective, circumstances, and etc.  It's because life looks too difficult to me.  I feel like I can't do it. I don't like how it is and don't see myself able to change it.  Someone today said I need a vacation.  Well yeah, I've needed one a long time. I'm lucky if I get away once every ten years for a week.  I'm so incapable of so much the world requires and the things I am capable of do not profit me in the least.  I get suicidal because I just don't want to do it.  They say the suicide kills the world and the murderer kills himself. So true.  My anger at the world continues unabated.  I'm angry at being held to standards that seem not to apply to others. I'm angry at being shut out at every turn. I'm angry that when I reac out to ask for help I'm ignored at best and accused of selfish whining at worst. I'm angry that I'm alive.  I'm angry that the world treats me this way and that I cna't kill myself and get out of it. I'm angry that I"m expected to sit and listen to the petty whining of others but I do not get the same in return.
I don't think anyone cares.  I know they'll say they care, but time and again they fail to come forward in any physical way, not sharing their time, attention, or resources with me.
I wish I could just lay myself down somewhere and never get up again.  But I'd have to pee.

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