transgender adventure begins
I saw the psychiatrist at the OUT center yesterday to get my dx of gender dysphoria. I'm so relieved I don't have to repeat that nonsense every month for a year! She said she'll give me my letter for the doctors and she also called me a jerk. LOL
I asked her to define that, she described all my manliest character traits, using derogatory adjectives. Like arrogance instead of confidence, self important instead of self assured, that sort of thing. I firmly believe that I'd come out as a strong confident man if people read me as male. But they don't, they read me as female, because I have a very femme body. And because of that, my masc traits are condemned as the worst character traits for a woman. I tried to explain at one point how women are expected to work in service, that being a creator and a fixer and a maker is a manly thing, so she told me I have black and white ideas of the world. No, I know better, silly woman, I'm telling you how the world presents to me, now how I think it ought to be. Poeple make these arbitrary roles, not me. I'm just squeezed by the anvil of expectation. Now I have to figure out what the next step is. Do I go back to my GP or straight to the endocrinologist for my appointment? I'm very eager to get started on the testosterone. Gimme that good masculine appearance and watch me shine! Oh I'll be a short guy and they'll all take my chihuahua manner for "short man syndrome" and they'll call me tiny and make cracks about it. I can handle that, it'll be such a thrill just to be one of the guys finally, that allt he ribbing in the world will just be an affirmation of that. When I come back at them, it won't be a case of "oh, she's not going to sleep with me, damn" or "oh now she's hot for being so witty, I am going to bed that woman!" I can read minds, I know exactly what they were thinking. I can't read body language or the signals you intend to send, but I can read what's really going on inside that you're hiding from me. Believe me, it does make things worse because 85% of you are out there being two faced all the time and thinking it's the right way to be. So when you run into one faced people you spend a lot of time trying to figure out their angle. I know that. I read it. I only do that crap if I don't respect you.
Oh, you ask how Dan is going to handle all this? I wonder too, frankly. I see no point in discussing it with him. over the years he's clearly expressed a desire not to discuss things with me. When the day comes that he comments on my facial hair I'll just blame it on menopause. LOL If he can't stand living with another man as time passes, well we'll deal with that. I personally am dead certain he'll prefer me as a man when it comes to company and roommating and since there's no sex or affection between us, there's no threat of gayness to discomfit him. Plus he doesn't socialize so he won't have to explain his ugly wife either.
Now that I've begun the journey i'm noticing a thousand little ways I'm feeling like I can just relax and be myself like never before. I feel like I don't have to try and feminize myself. Like I've been acting and living in drag all these years, poorly trying to emulate female characteristics and stressed all the time for having to remember. How to sit, how to walk, how to look, how to talk. Being natural has always been when people start to get uptight. When I sit with my knees apart, taking up the space in the room. When I make grand gestures, an effusive and genial man, I'm seen as trying to take over the group. When I speak with an authority voice, like a confident man, I'm seen as overstepping my bounds, being pushy. They try and take me back down to a humble lady's position. Keep sweet. Don't try to act like you know more, defer to your betters, which is everyone in the room, male or female. Because after all I'm a weird half crazy drug addict loser who can't even get being a girl right... Well they're wrong. I'm an honorable gentleman, stolid, steadfast and true. I'm compassionate, articulate, intelligent, learned and insightful. I'm generous and hard working, kind and strong, I won't run from a fight nor take up arms in one. I don't shy from challenges or whine about wounds. I can take a few dings and bangs and laugh them off. I can swagger with the crew or take a back seat. I just can't be myself when you think I'm supposed to be female! Now I won't have to. In a year or so that will be my hard memories, my relief, my past.
I asked her to define that, she described all my manliest character traits, using derogatory adjectives. Like arrogance instead of confidence, self important instead of self assured, that sort of thing. I firmly believe that I'd come out as a strong confident man if people read me as male. But they don't, they read me as female, because I have a very femme body. And because of that, my masc traits are condemned as the worst character traits for a woman. I tried to explain at one point how women are expected to work in service, that being a creator and a fixer and a maker is a manly thing, so she told me I have black and white ideas of the world. No, I know better, silly woman, I'm telling you how the world presents to me, now how I think it ought to be. Poeple make these arbitrary roles, not me. I'm just squeezed by the anvil of expectation. Now I have to figure out what the next step is. Do I go back to my GP or straight to the endocrinologist for my appointment? I'm very eager to get started on the testosterone. Gimme that good masculine appearance and watch me shine! Oh I'll be a short guy and they'll all take my chihuahua manner for "short man syndrome" and they'll call me tiny and make cracks about it. I can handle that, it'll be such a thrill just to be one of the guys finally, that allt he ribbing in the world will just be an affirmation of that. When I come back at them, it won't be a case of "oh, she's not going to sleep with me, damn" or "oh now she's hot for being so witty, I am going to bed that woman!" I can read minds, I know exactly what they were thinking. I can't read body language or the signals you intend to send, but I can read what's really going on inside that you're hiding from me. Believe me, it does make things worse because 85% of you are out there being two faced all the time and thinking it's the right way to be. So when you run into one faced people you spend a lot of time trying to figure out their angle. I know that. I read it. I only do that crap if I don't respect you.
Oh, you ask how Dan is going to handle all this? I wonder too, frankly. I see no point in discussing it with him. over the years he's clearly expressed a desire not to discuss things with me. When the day comes that he comments on my facial hair I'll just blame it on menopause. LOL If he can't stand living with another man as time passes, well we'll deal with that. I personally am dead certain he'll prefer me as a man when it comes to company and roommating and since there's no sex or affection between us, there's no threat of gayness to discomfit him. Plus he doesn't socialize so he won't have to explain his ugly wife either.
Now that I've begun the journey i'm noticing a thousand little ways I'm feeling like I can just relax and be myself like never before. I feel like I don't have to try and feminize myself. Like I've been acting and living in drag all these years, poorly trying to emulate female characteristics and stressed all the time for having to remember. How to sit, how to walk, how to look, how to talk. Being natural has always been when people start to get uptight. When I sit with my knees apart, taking up the space in the room. When I make grand gestures, an effusive and genial man, I'm seen as trying to take over the group. When I speak with an authority voice, like a confident man, I'm seen as overstepping my bounds, being pushy. They try and take me back down to a humble lady's position. Keep sweet. Don't try to act like you know more, defer to your betters, which is everyone in the room, male or female. Because after all I'm a weird half crazy drug addict loser who can't even get being a girl right... Well they're wrong. I'm an honorable gentleman, stolid, steadfast and true. I'm compassionate, articulate, intelligent, learned and insightful. I'm generous and hard working, kind and strong, I won't run from a fight nor take up arms in one. I don't shy from challenges or whine about wounds. I can take a few dings and bangs and laugh them off. I can swagger with the crew or take a back seat. I just can't be myself when you think I'm supposed to be female! Now I won't have to. In a year or so that will be my hard memories, my relief, my past.