easter, time of renewal, and I"m thinking of death

Feeling dead already tonight.  Like it's already forgone.  Like no way they'll treat me well enough or soon enough.  Also, I remembered that after I lost enough weight to have no fat left I was checking for breast lumps. Did I find them, or is that the texture of the tissue? Not sure, but worried.  So I will go for a drop-in mammogram on Monday.  Add that to the oncologist's files and mine alike, especially if it shows lumps.
I've stopped crapping again.  I'd crapped a bit every now and then since the colonoscopy but it only lasted 2 days.  Did the food I was eating arrive and plug me?  Do I truly have to eat strictly liquid? Maybe, but it's not sustaining me and I'm so hungry all the time.  I'm taking stool softeners again.
Had another bad night with Dan.  He just won't take any responsibility for aggravating me and I had it out at him because it's so destructive to what's left of my health. That left me feeling exceedingly depressed and hopeless tonight.
I had extra chocolate and a few chips in rebellion and besides, if I'm dying, I'd like a bit of pleasure.
Many hash puffs later and I'm feeling numb again.  That's about all I have.  I really don't feel confident anymore about this. I'm so damn sick, and still waiting, waiting, waiting. Untreated in any way.  Stingy even with the medicines that would make this experience less horrible.  Laying on the couch because the pain beats me horizontal, wishing I could do things. if it wasn't for the hash i would kill myself for sure.  No faith I'll live, and too much suffering to wait for death to take it's time. But I can smoke that hash pipe and it makes me apathetic enough to it all to just lay there numb, aware of the pain, aware of the sorrow, but not emoting about it anymore.
I wanted to talk to someone about my despair but I know nobody will hear it.  They'll scold me and tell me I'm wrong and I shouldn't think that way.  I want them to give me a sense of peace, not correct me and leave me feeling like I mustn't speak my feelings.
I tried joining a cancer support group but it was just one person active, the page owner, and it was unsatisfying therefor.   Couldn't find anything else, really. I found one, but it was so tightly organized I didn't think I'd ever figure out the rules for posting.
I made a couple of cotton face masks.  I was reading that I'll probahly need to wear one out in public, possibly even in the house against pets, along with gloves and, outside, assorted sun protection.  Apparently chemo does you in on all those levels.  So I made myself some nice ones.  The ones they sell locally at the drugstore are terribly utilitarian and dull.  Mine are made out of some cotton I'd had printed with a design of my own making via spoonflower.com.  I put on the face mask, then a pair of sunglasses with holographic happy faces in the lenses, then my hat, complete with veil and goggles.  I took a shot of it and posted up on facebook and g+ my "chemo fashion."  Let me see if i can put it up here.

yeah, so there you go.  That was really good for cheering me up, it's really fun looking and does a great job of hiding my age and sickness so I feel less ugly.  It will also protect my privacy when I can't quit crying or frowning in pain. They may stare a bit more, but they'll see a lot less.  Plus it looks straight out of modern movies of all sorts from mad max to star wars.  I think I'd fit right in on tank girl, or Babylon 5.

Maybe I can try again to put the lights on my hat.  If I just put all 4 around the rim, I could get around the problem I was having?  i was trying to loop one to the top and back to the battery and couldn't route them without cross circuiting something.

Well anyway, I wonder, I do, if I'll live to see chemo.  Frankly, the scientist in me is curious about what it's like to experience it.  

You know, I'm hearing of so much cancer, and my catching it seems so unlikely, I truly am wondering about some of the conspiracy theories where people are being exposed to carcinogens deliberately for assorted reasons ranging from population control to cancer industry profits.

I can't decide if i care if I'm dying.  It makes me very sad for a bunch of reasons, but it also seems reasonable and okay.  I really haven't been important in the world, so who cares if I continue to be in the world? Everyone on facebook is being nice and saying nice things, which shows some caring, but actually taking care of me? Few, very few. Well, one.  she'd like to have a friend in me, not just that she wants to be altruistic.  I think, too, it's not easy for her to extend herself that way. 

I tried to tell dan, if I'm happy, help me be happier, it heals.  If I'm unhappy or aggravated, it's me dying. He has to try and help me avoid getting that way. But at one point he wanted to pull the old pouting "can't blame me" routine and "why am i always to blame?"  Well, I told him, because it's you who's doing it.  No, he sees me as the instigator.  I come up stairs to tell him how I'm feeling and why and that is the instigation in his mind.  Not the outrageous behaviour that preceded the lecture.

Damn man is gonna kill me and he'll fucking deserve to lose me.  At least by the time I die, he'll have the pet care down pat from doing it all the time.  that comforts me, the pets will get neglected but not as severely as if I'd died sooner.

My belly hurts again.  I don't care right now. Feels like my fated experience.  something against which I am powerless and no power on earth could prevent or stop it. So I must simply resign myself to it. That's how this whole thing feels tonight.

I'm damn glad I can tell it here. Nowhere else. Just here.  I don't believe I will survive. I don't believe I won't.  I just don't have confidence about anything right now.