still suicidal

So he went to work again but I'm still not sure he'll work late because he wasn't supposed to work all 3 days so may come home pretty early.
Tomorrow, if he leaves early, and if Goddess doesn't release us with a traffic accident on today's snowy roads, I will try and dislodge the stove pipe.  I keep picturing it and thinking I can do it.  Not till it's time and whether I find a reason to put it off or do it will I know if I can follow through.  I don't have a lot of confidence in myself.
Still not eating.  Still suffering on the toilet.  hardly drinking, about a liter a day.  Tom never showed up even though that fucker hit the plus one on my suicide note on g+ yesterday.  Some fucking friend. I knew it was fucked when I asked him to take me to the store and he didn't want to carry my stuff for me.  The cashier looked straight at him and acted like it was assumed he'd be doing it and called him a "big strong fellow" which pissed off Tom who is a small tiny woman in a big strong body and prefers to live as a helpless tiny woman.
Tom is a transgender man half way through transition.  Living as a male, but acting female anyway.  He's suffered obesity since puberty as has his mother and all his chosen friends. I was fat when we met.  He hates skinny people the way racists hate brown people and now i'm skinny.
Some friend.
My husband is killing and my friend is jealous about it....
fuck.
I mean, really, what have I got to live for?  More weeks or months of suffering and sickness and stress.

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