update
so I was in process of suicide, stove pipes open and all, when police came along to interfere. I had to reassemble the pipes and they eventually broke in and pestered me for awhile. Finaly we all got fed up and they gave me a worthless website link and left. They were nice, worried, and exasperated. Four large men in black about gave Timmy a heart attack.
that night, impressed by the scene I'd been in, I broke down and told Dan what he'd been missing while punishing me with neglect for being mad at him. He took me into ER that night and we wasted all night to get trivialized and sent home with laxatives.
This time, two days later, we've got all my symptoms and everything I've tried printed on paper and we're going to push for surgery asap.
I'm so weak anymore. My heart races from something as simple as going downstairs to the bathroom and back. I can't even squeeze off a plop for the pain in my butt and there's abdomen pains now.
My suicide notes (didn't mention it?) on social media exposed a false friend and exposed a lot of better people who reached out and gave me the love that I was lacking. How do you value yourself if there is no external validation and you're so sick you'd rather be dead anyway?
So Tom is the false friend. When he read my cry on social media he reacted like you would with a petulant teenager and scolded me for giving him difficult emotions, saying he now needed alone time to deal with them. I hadn't seen him but once since christmas so... wha? I answered his message right back, telling him my side of the story, only to be called mean and uncaring. Wha? I'm on death's door here and you have seen how sick I am. You have been close enough to me to know where I'm at, and you can't step out of your own needs? I have gone above and beyond to be there for you, Tom, and I told him he's just too expensive, I can't afford his friendship.
It's sad as hell but true too. He was the most expensive friend I've ever had and I invest a lot in the people who allow me to give to them. While money was certainly part of this doomed friendship, it's not the only way to invest and my investment includes housework and nursing for flu season, crisis comfort, running across town to make things all better just because you asked, home made gifts and foods, and lots of encouragement when you forget your virtues. If you can't give me some of those latter back now and then, you will eventually lose me. I'm overly patient in that regard but not stupid.
So I phoned my drug dealer. He's someone who's been an acquaintance for thirty years but then another person clued me in he also vends products for the beleaguered mind and I've been getting my hash from him a few years. He's an Amazing Person type of person. Hippy and pagan and spiritual and always striving to be a better self than he currently is. So I didn't call him at first because I didn't want to prevail on him, but I knew he'd say yes and in fact he did. I called him yesterday asking simply to get the dishes washed. The pile was so very bad. After he gave me a reiki session. I didn't know he was a reiki master, and I'd not witness real reiki before so that was really cool and interesting. I was really impressed by the experience. Really nice. I could do with a daily tuneup right now, LOL, but nevermind.
People on social network also stood up to the call, getting on direct message for me for hours and and hours, introducing me to their nicer friends and cheering me up. It's hard to pass so much time alone in pain, the distraction is very valuable. As is the affirmation of people taking time out of their own heads to be there for you. It was the medicine my heart most needed and the suicide threat has passed because of it.
I am not in a state of still wanting more and more attention as I'd always been told I'd do, as though attention were a chemical addiction. No, I got it, it worked, I'm satisfied and made better.
So in spite of the odd asshole who tried to make me over into a drama queen, like my ex-BFF, I know for sure now, I am not. My family always neglected me emotionally on this theory. Doctors always operate from this basic theory. I mean, how can you ever demonstrate that you're fine if you just get SOME attention if they deny it constantly? and it's not attention anyway. I can get that as well as any freak show. It's the love and kindness. I've not gotten as much in any given year of my life as the ordinary jerk with family and friends, so why is my craving for it so evil? Not even in childhood did I get the kind of nurturing that is a basic need for humans. I've had to learn to hug myself, soothe myself with caresses, murmur comforts to myself, and find nice things to do with myself. While these are all good things it's never lost on me that it's ridiculous and pathetic to have to do it alone. That always introduces a note of discord to the effort and can pile up. In this case, I knew well I could not possibly go any further with this illness on my own. With nobody on my team, i was going to die anyway. That then grew the suicide ideation because I was too scared of the amount of pain I'd go through first if I died of this instead. If you're faced with an unknown period of time when you're going to suffer agony, and you already know well the taste of that torture, only to die at the end, wouldn't you try to suicide out early?
this is what despair is.
that night, impressed by the scene I'd been in, I broke down and told Dan what he'd been missing while punishing me with neglect for being mad at him. He took me into ER that night and we wasted all night to get trivialized and sent home with laxatives.
This time, two days later, we've got all my symptoms and everything I've tried printed on paper and we're going to push for surgery asap.
I'm so weak anymore. My heart races from something as simple as going downstairs to the bathroom and back. I can't even squeeze off a plop for the pain in my butt and there's abdomen pains now.
My suicide notes (didn't mention it?) on social media exposed a false friend and exposed a lot of better people who reached out and gave me the love that I was lacking. How do you value yourself if there is no external validation and you're so sick you'd rather be dead anyway?
So Tom is the false friend. When he read my cry on social media he reacted like you would with a petulant teenager and scolded me for giving him difficult emotions, saying he now needed alone time to deal with them. I hadn't seen him but once since christmas so... wha? I answered his message right back, telling him my side of the story, only to be called mean and uncaring. Wha? I'm on death's door here and you have seen how sick I am. You have been close enough to me to know where I'm at, and you can't step out of your own needs? I have gone above and beyond to be there for you, Tom, and I told him he's just too expensive, I can't afford his friendship.
It's sad as hell but true too. He was the most expensive friend I've ever had and I invest a lot in the people who allow me to give to them. While money was certainly part of this doomed friendship, it's not the only way to invest and my investment includes housework and nursing for flu season, crisis comfort, running across town to make things all better just because you asked, home made gifts and foods, and lots of encouragement when you forget your virtues. If you can't give me some of those latter back now and then, you will eventually lose me. I'm overly patient in that regard but not stupid.
So I phoned my drug dealer. He's someone who's been an acquaintance for thirty years but then another person clued me in he also vends products for the beleaguered mind and I've been getting my hash from him a few years. He's an Amazing Person type of person. Hippy and pagan and spiritual and always striving to be a better self than he currently is. So I didn't call him at first because I didn't want to prevail on him, but I knew he'd say yes and in fact he did. I called him yesterday asking simply to get the dishes washed. The pile was so very bad. After he gave me a reiki session. I didn't know he was a reiki master, and I'd not witness real reiki before so that was really cool and interesting. I was really impressed by the experience. Really nice. I could do with a daily tuneup right now, LOL, but nevermind.
People on social network also stood up to the call, getting on direct message for me for hours and and hours, introducing me to their nicer friends and cheering me up. It's hard to pass so much time alone in pain, the distraction is very valuable. As is the affirmation of people taking time out of their own heads to be there for you. It was the medicine my heart most needed and the suicide threat has passed because of it.
I am not in a state of still wanting more and more attention as I'd always been told I'd do, as though attention were a chemical addiction. No, I got it, it worked, I'm satisfied and made better.
So in spite of the odd asshole who tried to make me over into a drama queen, like my ex-BFF, I know for sure now, I am not. My family always neglected me emotionally on this theory. Doctors always operate from this basic theory. I mean, how can you ever demonstrate that you're fine if you just get SOME attention if they deny it constantly? and it's not attention anyway. I can get that as well as any freak show. It's the love and kindness. I've not gotten as much in any given year of my life as the ordinary jerk with family and friends, so why is my craving for it so evil? Not even in childhood did I get the kind of nurturing that is a basic need for humans. I've had to learn to hug myself, soothe myself with caresses, murmur comforts to myself, and find nice things to do with myself. While these are all good things it's never lost on me that it's ridiculous and pathetic to have to do it alone. That always introduces a note of discord to the effort and can pile up. In this case, I knew well I could not possibly go any further with this illness on my own. With nobody on my team, i was going to die anyway. That then grew the suicide ideation because I was too scared of the amount of pain I'd go through first if I died of this instead. If you're faced with an unknown period of time when you're going to suffer agony, and you already know well the taste of that torture, only to die at the end, wouldn't you try to suicide out early?
this is what despair is.