counting blessings
So I shall list here the gifts this year has given me.
1: I don't pee my pants anymore. Controlling my bowel spasms has made my pelvic muscles strong again. When this is over I won't need pads and could go commando if I wished.
2: so much more compassion in me. so much. it's immeasurable.
3: so much more sense of my own toughness. I had no idea how much I could take even with how much I've already face in life. I honestly think I'm in a small minority of people who wouldn't be dead by now.
4: Biofeed back relaxation training for both Dan and myself. Mostly me. Every time I get a little bit above mellow my bowel wakes up because it still wants to poop, even if the door is locked. So like a little red light with an alarm, i'd hop up at the first sign of stress or agitation and race to the toilet trying not to squirt out that foul shitty blood that has replaced any sign of proper crap.
5: got rid of a heavy friend who dragged me down more than lifting me up and exhausted me
6: found a buoyant friend and a bunch of new good ones online too.
7: reached out to an old friend I've neglected for no good reason opening my heart to him and encouraging him to come around
8: Dan is learning to just love me and I'm responding like a rose in fertilizer. We have been hugging and kissing and cuddling and just touching. I don't mean getting busy, I'm way to sick and we're both old enough to not really care. I mean human contact. touch. Comfort.
9: I know boredom better than ever and I'm someone who always got bored easily. But being too sick to even knit was a real blow. too sick to knit? Well it requires some concentration and you can't concentrate when you're hurting.
10: I finally get how to eat properly and got in the habit. those damn salad greens.
I"m up early this morning. The pain woke me and kept me up so I figured I'd cope better distracting myself at the pc. I have been fasting so often and eating so little I'm perpetually feeling famished. Last night I had my last glass of water, as I'm fasting in preparation for the surgery I pray they schedule, so I'm so thirsty and hungry right now it's almost worse than the leg cramps and butt pain.
Hoo boy. I won't feel better about this hospital hell till they have me on a gurney with an IV rehydrating me. I could not believe the heart rates coming off my phone's monitor device. Yeah, my phone can read a pulse through a finger. I'm so low on blood serum and blood nutrition, etc., it's making my heart work too hard. Pain also uses phenomenal amounts of energy for some reason. Is it the shuddering and rocking and crying? Is it the pain nerves themselves? is it the spasming muscles? who knows, but eating too little and all has me very light. Two days ago I weighed at 126 pounds and I'm feeling even thinner today. I'll stand on the scale again next time I go down.
We put together a print out with my symptoms, a bit of history, and the things we tried. I'm hoping they take this seriously this time.
Ok, going to hang on social media till morning gets here and I can take a bath and get ready for our ordeal in ER again. This time I'm going to vine and snapshot it onto social media. People gotta see that ugly waiting room. It's just got this crazy oppressive feel, like you're waiting to visit someone in prison. It's in Addict Central in this city so the security is the problem.
1: I don't pee my pants anymore. Controlling my bowel spasms has made my pelvic muscles strong again. When this is over I won't need pads and could go commando if I wished.
2: so much more compassion in me. so much. it's immeasurable.
3: so much more sense of my own toughness. I had no idea how much I could take even with how much I've already face in life. I honestly think I'm in a small minority of people who wouldn't be dead by now.
4: Biofeed back relaxation training for both Dan and myself. Mostly me. Every time I get a little bit above mellow my bowel wakes up because it still wants to poop, even if the door is locked. So like a little red light with an alarm, i'd hop up at the first sign of stress or agitation and race to the toilet trying not to squirt out that foul shitty blood that has replaced any sign of proper crap.
5: got rid of a heavy friend who dragged me down more than lifting me up and exhausted me
6: found a buoyant friend and a bunch of new good ones online too.
7: reached out to an old friend I've neglected for no good reason opening my heart to him and encouraging him to come around
8: Dan is learning to just love me and I'm responding like a rose in fertilizer. We have been hugging and kissing and cuddling and just touching. I don't mean getting busy, I'm way to sick and we're both old enough to not really care. I mean human contact. touch. Comfort.
9: I know boredom better than ever and I'm someone who always got bored easily. But being too sick to even knit was a real blow. too sick to knit? Well it requires some concentration and you can't concentrate when you're hurting.
10: I finally get how to eat properly and got in the habit. those damn salad greens.
I"m up early this morning. The pain woke me and kept me up so I figured I'd cope better distracting myself at the pc. I have been fasting so often and eating so little I'm perpetually feeling famished. Last night I had my last glass of water, as I'm fasting in preparation for the surgery I pray they schedule, so I'm so thirsty and hungry right now it's almost worse than the leg cramps and butt pain.
Hoo boy. I won't feel better about this hospital hell till they have me on a gurney with an IV rehydrating me. I could not believe the heart rates coming off my phone's monitor device. Yeah, my phone can read a pulse through a finger. I'm so low on blood serum and blood nutrition, etc., it's making my heart work too hard. Pain also uses phenomenal amounts of energy for some reason. Is it the shuddering and rocking and crying? Is it the pain nerves themselves? is it the spasming muscles? who knows, but eating too little and all has me very light. Two days ago I weighed at 126 pounds and I'm feeling even thinner today. I'll stand on the scale again next time I go down.
We put together a print out with my symptoms, a bit of history, and the things we tried. I'm hoping they take this seriously this time.
Ok, going to hang on social media till morning gets here and I can take a bath and get ready for our ordeal in ER again. This time I'm going to vine and snapshot it onto social media. People gotta see that ugly waiting room. It's just got this crazy oppressive feel, like you're waiting to visit someone in prison. It's in Addict Central in this city so the security is the problem.