self care fail

So my kidney is swollen, can't drain properly. Things to do all depend on testing for kidney function. Which only happens early in the morning, at the university hospital.  Which is when my ostomy is active. Which sent me into a tailspin. I told her I'd have to go have my emotions and get back to her on Monday.
I also decided to stop vlogging. it's so damn much work and far as I can see, pointless.   When I really need to share, I come here.  Where I know nobody gives a fuck, no illusions. I get it off my chest. Nobody will argue with me or worry about me. I'm so sick of trying to explain myself to people.  It's so pointless. They don't get it. They never get it. Even when it's something as simple as my ostomy problems. in that case I think they start shutting it out after the word "colostomy" and just step back onto protocol. So why am I testing my kidney again? To decide what to do about it. Ignore it or shove a tube up and try to get it flowing again.  ~sigh~  But I'm tired of caring.  I'm so sick and tired of caring about myself.  I don't see my value. I see no value in my life.  I do not even manage to pull my own weight. Now I'm not even socializing anymore.  Can't get out enough. It's just too hard to go out.  Everything is late when I'm too damn tired.  I can't eat normal.  I have poop emergencies.  It's just too hard to get out.  I don't want to go out for medical tests. I don't want to go out for doctor's appointments.  The only things worth going out for happen between 1pm and 5 pm in my life and if it doesn't happen then, it just can't happen for me.  I'm fed up with stressing myself out over fasting blood tests, kidney tests, specialist appointments.  I'm sick and fucking tired of it and I don't care if someone else also is tired but keeps going. They've got someone who loves them and who's life would be the worst without them. Far as I can see, I'm a fucking plague on everyone who has the misfortune to stumble across me. Now my body has taken steps to further force me to leave people alone. Well my life ain't worth living the way it is. Just not enough incentive for me.  It's boring.  it's pointless.  It's unrewarding in every way. So fuck the kidney test, fuck the doctors, fuck the vlog, fuck trying to make money, fuck everyone and everything and most of all, fuck me and fuck me sideways till I finally kick off.  I must deserve it.  I just must.  I'm one of those awful people who truly can't perceive how they're awful, and therefor cant' be fixed.  Nothing for me but the trash heap, which doesn't exist.

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