medical fear

Oh so tired I am.

I've been past exhaustion to actual dysfunction for weeks now and still trying to use adrenalin to push past it because life is making demands beyond my capacity. 

Now I'm having heart attacks. And the fear of what I clearly see happening is NOT helping me reduce tension. 

Yesterday I was beginning to feel the breeze of sanity on my brow when the mechanic didn't show up and then at bedtime an RV very nearby exploded and burned to the frame. Sirens, conversations with neighbors, loud booms, worry, knowing I cannot move this fucking thing, it's all terrifying. And exhausting. So then the mechanic shows up, and also the woman crazy maker across the way keeps bringing stuff up about the bylaw and how we're all getting kicked out of here.  

I've been having chest pains all weekend, and tonight, nausea, dizziness, brain fog, exhaustion. I do a little, I'm wiped out. Light headed too. I know goddamn well I need to go to the hospital but I haven't forgotten how it went last year nor the fucking noise and lighting and talk talk remember talk remember talk, I can't. After you tell it ALL, a new guy shows up and asks to hear it all again. That will not help my hypertension, will it? Put me right into cardiac arrest it would. Thinking about it might.

I did find someone to work on the brake issue and he even let me fuck it up and I had to redo it today, and so tomorrow it gets put on if possible. He does understand how immediate the problem is, but fuck, you know, I was watching the RV go up when it's main propane tank blew up and I felt the heat and the boom of it, had my door open in back watching. I felt helpless, a sitting duck.

I went and got my phone, was standing in my sleep shorts and a sweater, so put some pants on over them, and filmed awhile on the firemen putting it out. Cops and flashing lights for a couple hours. Noises and voices.  

Last month, I was stricken for 2 weeks with a shoulder cramp from all the tension. I was just getting level. one day of rest isn't enough anymore either, it's like one day on, 3 days off now and the world is not allowing it. 

On the daydream side, while the red house has not come on the market and I still do not have money anyway, (there, a twinge in my chest, it's not hard pain, it's like heartburn, and maybe that's all it is?)

Anyway, this 3 story one with a lower boat house with 2 boat bays in it for even less came on the market. It would give me so much room to create! So I daydream on that now to feel better.  

Another social worker called me today, I don't know what they're for or to whom they answer but I roll with it, give them answers, say yes please and thank you, and hope it works into something. I want to tell her about the heart problem but I also do not want to tell anyone.

I might tell my nurse practitioner if I could just phone and book an appointment, but fuck it. It's too complicated and I don't even remember why it was failing. Anyone else is going to send me to ER. A referral to a heart clinic from a primary care provider might be a way around it. But then that fucker does not take me seriously either. ALL of them think I fake symptoms for attention and I don't even like their attention, and they make it worse to punish me anyway. The medical psycho-trauma is unaddressed.

So yeah, I come here, where I can vent my anxiety without cost. I really cannot spend a night or a week away right now, not only dog care, but the parking spot is insecure and I need to deal with the cops when they show up.

Last time they kept me long after I was over the crisis, administered therapies that kept me sick longer than I needed to be, and even forced painful unnecessary procedures for no apparent reason. I could not get a friendly discharge until their resident shrink matched wits with me and lost. They always do. That's one profession who doesn't stand a chance with me, and that's fine because I've been doing great at self therapy. My living conditions and the way the world treats me continues to be the cause of my problems, not my own actions, except in so far as one can point to my autistic nature and put the blame on that. "if you weren't you, you wouldn't get treated like shit, but you, well, you deserve it!" I've heard that, almost in so many words, too many times.