daydreams sustain me

So I have gotten to know my neighbors better in spite of myself.

I can't say I want to get involved but true to form i let myself get sucked in.  Well it's part of how I justify my existence, by caring. 

So, ahead of me is a nasty man with one dog, one woman, and one parrot, and the animals are female, and he rages over their heads on the daily for stupid reasons. 

The woman is sweet.  the parrot can be rehomed. The dog is gentle. 

the house I'm daydreaming has 4 levels and 2 bedrooms and I would love an in-house young fit person who could help out with the hard work. I could get her paid for it too potentially as an official caregiver, as well as roommate, so she could earn a little as well as us both having half the cheap monthly cost. She would get out, I wouldn't be reliant on Dan's help and I think she's peaceable enough and so am I. We both want quietitude mostly. I could teach her skills too. 

So that's my current daydream.  If the house comes through, I will ask her to help me move in.  If she's good to work with, she's good to live with. you can tell messy from neat, hard working from lazy, just by one work session and i can get her paid too I bet. Then if she likes the idea, neato, two birds, one stone.  I get inhouse assistance, she gets rescue, maybe the parrot is tolerable.  Enough space to get away from her if she's too loud maybe.

Anyway, it's vague plans like these that keep me hoping and I guess that'll have to do.  That red house went, maybe it will be back, or maybe the magic is as flexible as I am willing to be. There is a new older and cheaper house on the market and it's got room for a roommate and I've been thinking about it a lot. Either renting out a room for Bed and Breakfast, or finding a safe young roommate who would also help me out.

this woman really seems suited to that.  She is quiet, helpful, kind, non judgey, in need of kind friendship, severely, too.  

Well maybe that's one of the things that's kept me waiting.

But really, if probate went "huh?" it could take minimum late april before they even process it and then up to another 3 months to finish and execute the decision. 

So I am still thinking to myself, if that submitted will is flagged and overturned, there is every chance enough comes to me through probate to buy me something cheap and these things are cheaper than the cheapest basement studio condo in surrey. Because there is no property, no mortgage, poor insurance coverage, and high rules about construction, plus you have to walk a long way out on the docks to get home. Not parking out front. the house is always moving, seasickness for many.  I believe living in a bus cured any chance of that, plus I was seaworthy as a kid, mostly, except inside a small mono hull during bad waves. Turns out most people struggle with that.

the new hobsession has room for it's own boat.

I could teach this woman to drive too. Ever so casually.   Without a boy friend smoking up her money she could pay for a school too. She says she has a learning disability but I haven't seen it, but even so, I am actually seriously patient with that.  I understand now that when I feel impatient it's been because I was sensing weaponized incompetence, not actual difficulty 

When a student struggles I am always fine about it.  I don't care how long it takes or how many ways i need to say it, if they can do it after, it's time well  spent.  

So that's where my head is at.

However, anotherr factor has reared it's ugly head.  Talking with people is too much for me. Itraises my blood pressure and if it goes on too long or too many days in  a row, could kill me.

Two nights ago I was on the edge, my head was exploding and I was vomiting and the pain was blinding.  my blood pressure was full redline.  Normally it's not that bad but then I have been careless lately. I am every winter, to be honest.  Someone who looks out for me like a roommate might could help prevent that.  Help remind me to drink water or whatever?

 Anyway, got my blood pressure back down now, I just need to learn how to keep it down. It's very tied to anxiety but they play off each other.

This crisis was definitely precipiated  by the shock last saturday when a neighbor's RV blew up in flames. It was loud, dramatic, and terrifying.

Having my heater go out was just the final straw Dan fixed it and I worked on fixing my body and some of the lapses I've been allowing re too much caffiene and too much tik tok and not enough laying down being idle.  More water and daily cbd also. Plus the people around me are being gentler and expecting less from me. 

I push myself habitually, and learning not to is challenging. I've spent so much time trying to prove my right to exist.

Well, Hestia is my current assigned supernatural friend so let's all say a hearty thank you to her for all she does so smoothly and quietly for us.