stuck

Lost all those appointments because I deleted them from the calendar. They were intimidating me too much.  now I'm stuck.  can't make myself call the doc to see him again.  Can't stand the idea of talking to multiple strangers on the phone, none of whom has any reason to give a fuck about me.  If I fail to go through with treatment, the cancer pain will come back as bad as ever,worse, and it'll hurt for months before I finally die of  it.  But I am at a wall.  I just can't make myself do anything.  Can't even eat anymore.  Just cry and cry and cry. Shake and sob, scared and hopeless.  Nobody to help me because all that reaching out didn't do me any good at all.
Dan's getting chores done but other than that, it could be last year.  Same fucking scene.  Me alone at home depressed and sick.  Garden overgrown (technically Tom's looking after it but he's not up to the job).  All that reaching out, what was that for? Short term false hope?  The only people who care are the ones for whom it's safe to care because they actually can't do anything, so don't have to.  The rest keep a careful distance and don't cross the line to where they'd actually have to make time and spend energy on my behalf.  But I'm supposed to fight to live, eh? I'm supposed to beat that cancer, rise above that struggle, keep my spirits up, inspire everyone.  Why can't I just fucking die instead?  I don't understand that.  The world leaves me in the hands of my abuser, sick and hanging on the edge of dying, to linger there being "brave." I fucking hate you all.  I hate you for your false words of encouragement.  I hate you for your lying concern that can't make itself manifest in the real world.  I hate you for pretending you care.  I hate you so bad I'd kill all of you if I could, but I can't even kill me.  I'm just here, too depressing to be fun to visit, unable to advocate on my own behalf, not even able to attend my appointments.  Why can't I just die?  Why?  It's not like there's something waiting for me in life. My life is behind me, blown and useless and it never amounted to a fucking thing.

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