disheartened

I'm feeling incredibly disheartened.  I just don't have faith that there's a future for me and I'm thinking to just quit caring for myself again.  If I just don't eat properly or enough for the next couple weeks I might not pass the pre-surgery exam and get put off.  I don't want to go.  I don't believe saving my life is worth all the pain and effort and cost.  I don't want to continue living my life.  I've tried to explain to people but they just don't get it.  They argue with me.  The probblems that make me feel that way stay, but the people telling me not to feel it go away.I'm right back to where I was this time last year when I was praying for cancer to take me out.
Dan's giving me static for going out to play pokemon at the park, while Tom is miffed because I went out into the countryside without him.  I was so glad of it too because I didn't have to listen to him complain, or cut the trip short for him.  I was able to have Timmy by my side instead of riding in the back.  Timmy was able to look out the windows instead of missing the trip for sitting too low in the back.  So no, I'm not sorry I did it without Tom.
I can still do it again with him, what's the big whoop?  But I'm being punished for it all the same.  Fuck.  The people around me keep punishing me for not being less selfish and I either am the world's most selfish and undeserving person, or surrounded by abusers. Either way, I don't see the point of saving my shitty life.  It won't be hard anyway, Dan's gotten pretty neglectful again.  I'm so sick of prodding him into trying harder.  Sick of it.  Sick of his temper, taking out his emotions on the bird, acting like he has none but then tossing static around the house like an enraged bull.  Sick of his anger, sick to death of it.

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