style over the years
It's interesting, but I can tell how well I've been eating by how my face feels in my hands. If I feel my cheek bones firmly under my skin, I'm well. If I've been cheating, eating potato chips, or candy from the store, and such, it'll feel softer, fatter. My cheeks will feel noticeably wider and softer! I see it in the mirror too, but it translates more subtly as "looking younger."
I think, though, that others can tell my age by my face. I don't think they're all thinking I'm only 30 something, although some certainly do. I suspect those are people who focus on the superficial cues like hairstyle, carriage, and clothing. I don't dress my age, no no, except of course, it IS my age. You see, the given style of the average "old" woman is whatever she felt most "cool" or "beautiful" or otherwise positive about when she was younger and feeling at her best. This is usually a style relating to around age 30 but it can be a little later or younger. So my style is from the late 80s and early 90s when I was healthy, lively, had friends, an actual job, and a car of my own and had just bought a house. Good times. I was partying hard! So the style that still feels like my happiest self is from those days and still appeals in the mirror.
Now go round and look at the women around you who are "over the hill" or at least past their breeding prime if you don't like judgy terms like that. Guess their age by a: the usual means and b: the style they wear. Think back to when that style was what all the hip folks were wearing and then add the years since to the age of 30. Does it match? See?
That damn parrot is being extremely sharp and loud today. I always wonder what I could be doing with him to make him happier but the only answers I've found so far involve operant conditioning training with positive reinforcment rewards. The MOST boring activity I've ever had to do with a pet and it's worse than cleaning cage. So what else can I do to entertain him besides trying to teach him tricks? Can I hire someone to come teach him tricks? I would if I could.
I plan on taking Timmy to the park today. He's having trouble with spring and excess energy. In fact, it's what got me up. I didn't want to get up, deal with Dan and life and the guilt of being me.
the guilt? I feel guilty for existing. I've been told so often that I don't have a right to be here and I've failed so badly at fixing that problem, that I just carry this enormous debt load of guilt for taking up space and resources when I'm so clearly a misfit waste of skin.
So yeah, getting up in the morning is not always easy. Today realizing how lovely it'd be for Timmy to go to the park gave me the impetus to face the day. Now I've gone and upset myself again. It's not hard to do. I'm going to work on some lovely boxes and videos till my mood relaxes.
I think, though, that others can tell my age by my face. I don't think they're all thinking I'm only 30 something, although some certainly do. I suspect those are people who focus on the superficial cues like hairstyle, carriage, and clothing. I don't dress my age, no no, except of course, it IS my age. You see, the given style of the average "old" woman is whatever she felt most "cool" or "beautiful" or otherwise positive about when she was younger and feeling at her best. This is usually a style relating to around age 30 but it can be a little later or younger. So my style is from the late 80s and early 90s when I was healthy, lively, had friends, an actual job, and a car of my own and had just bought a house. Good times. I was partying hard! So the style that still feels like my happiest self is from those days and still appeals in the mirror.
Now go round and look at the women around you who are "over the hill" or at least past their breeding prime if you don't like judgy terms like that. Guess their age by a: the usual means and b: the style they wear. Think back to when that style was what all the hip folks were wearing and then add the years since to the age of 30. Does it match? See?
That damn parrot is being extremely sharp and loud today. I always wonder what I could be doing with him to make him happier but the only answers I've found so far involve operant conditioning training with positive reinforcment rewards. The MOST boring activity I've ever had to do with a pet and it's worse than cleaning cage. So what else can I do to entertain him besides trying to teach him tricks? Can I hire someone to come teach him tricks? I would if I could.
I plan on taking Timmy to the park today. He's having trouble with spring and excess energy. In fact, it's what got me up. I didn't want to get up, deal with Dan and life and the guilt of being me.
the guilt? I feel guilty for existing. I've been told so often that I don't have a right to be here and I've failed so badly at fixing that problem, that I just carry this enormous debt load of guilt for taking up space and resources when I'm so clearly a misfit waste of skin.
So yeah, getting up in the morning is not always easy. Today realizing how lovely it'd be for Timmy to go to the park gave me the impetus to face the day. Now I've gone and upset myself again. It's not hard to do. I'm going to work on some lovely boxes and videos till my mood relaxes.