attitude or cognitive impairment? Who cares, fix it.
I just saw a video of a woman being arrested on a plane for the very sort of "dire announcement" rant that Dan is guilty of putting on me all the time! She wouldn't quit trying to alert everyone that USA had declared war on Venezuela over oil rights. The relative truth of the question isn't the point. The point, here, is there's a limit as to how much action you are allowed to stir in others! The famous example is "you can't yell 'fire' in a crowded theatre." This isn't as obvious to today's people. But the net result of upsetting people in that way is a stampede with injury or death. Now a plane full of people aren't likely to stampede over a declaration of war, but they are likely, with no controls, to turn into a mob and kill the person who won't shut up when requested.
People will tell you to shut up if you're upsetting them. Then if you don't, they'll start focussing on forcing you to. The harder you fight, the more violent they'll get. Dan doesn't understand that there isn't some sort of right to scream your truths at people. I don't understand what he hopes to gain by trying to force me to get excited.
It's not like he just wants me to intake information. That'd be quick. No, it's not enough, I must believe the information, without questioning his authority to decide if it's true. But even then, that doesn't seem to be enough because he still seems to think I'm not nearly responsive enough. I wonder what histrionics are wanted. I just tried to imagine faking some but the whole business angers me too much to play with it. My usual reaction to being delivered yet more "the world is falling apart" message is anger, every time. Just like the folks on the plane. I don't want to be told that unless I can look outside and actually see the disaster that's coming for me. Nothing else is worth getting freaked out about but he seems to ghink that getting freaked out about things is a recreational activity.
Well anyway, he tried to put forth the idea that because he's concerned about it, my wifely duty obligates me to engage the conversation. Damn, he's so fucked up. Why should I have to explain it to him? He should have a buddy explaining it to him. He should be turning to his older brother who's been married years, for advice. He thinks he should figure it all out himself? I don't know. It's ffrustrating. I wish he would make a friend somehow. I keep hoping when I drag him to Penticton we'll have a neighbor who pesters him into a friendship somehow. Leonard sure tried but he got alzheimers and too sick. Besides, he was just a bit too shy to really get interactive the way it'd take. Goddess, if only that man would find a coffee row or other ranting group or friend with whom he could get this out of his system.
I'd started talking to him by Saturday night/sunday only to wind up being hammered, out of the blue, with yet more noise about vaccinations. It was not even closely related to the subject except that it included some legal information as so many conversations will. Something about regulations, you know. "we'll need a certain type of brakes on the trailer to conform to highway regulations" might be an example sentence which would trigger Dan to derail the topic back onto his favorite Fear Du Jour. He believes that the Autocracy, via our ruling governments and medical systems, is going to inject every citizen with nefarious chemicals via "required vaccinations" and that this horrible fate is being planned right now. In fact, maybe even it's being carried out in places where people are too "innocent" to be online or able to warn everyone. Well, except for those lucky escapees and professionals being interviewed for the news story he's watching. They're the few lucky people intelligent enough and moral enough to spot it, escape it, and fight it.
This comes up after I finish, yet again, asserting that autism is not caused by vaccinations. He's not even involved in that stuff, but he wan'ts to get excited about it because his favorite news outlets are excited about it. I think he feels more connected to them, a member of their team as it were, when he's preaching their gospel to me or Tom when he's over, or anyone else I might manage to get to visit.
Certainly that's possible. What I'm going to do about I don't know. I know I can't fight the propaganda machine. I have tried, getting his youtube suggestion list skewed to more productive topics like machines, construction, etc., but he just pulls himself back into the depths of tabloid emotion reporting propaganda. These guys will activate any emotional hook possible and like trolling for seafood, have every hook in the water they can find. That includes, unfortunately, the anti-feminist hook. This is nailing straight into his heart and creating more division between himself and the world. He already feels solitary and I was his only companion in that solitude, but now I'm more enemy than I ever was. I was always a bit of an enemy, because he loves to fight and tries to pick fights with the only other creatures around. I tell you, I see him picking fights with the pets. Or trying to. They don't get it so it isn't satisfying to him. He does it in a child-like way, but all his play interaction is based on opposition. He never tries to teach fetch to the dog, for instance, relying constantly on "tug of war." He never tries to make the toy into a prey animal for Timmy to chase. He doesn't try to teach the parrot new words or a trick or anything, only tries to argue with it or dominate it into quiet. With me, it's either a conversation in which he's lecturing me, or I'm lecturing him, or we're arguing. There just doesn't seem to be a conversation worth having outside of data transmission. "we're out of juice." "I'm going to the store tomorrow." Blah. That's all we can do. He doesn't seem to understand how pointless the arguing is.
Worse yet, he doesn't believe me when I tell him it's asking too much of me to expect me to go where he wants to go conversationally without any emotional involvement. I'm either involved, or I"m dead bored. Well, I haven't told him THAT yet, just thought of it here for the first time. (the ultimate purpose of this blog is to gain these ideas.)
Okay, how's that go? I cannot be expected to involve myself mentally without involving myself emotionally. First off, I have ADHD and whether humans can or not, I personally cannot. I have learned to recognize when my emotions are going too far and I try to back off and simmer down. But I can't, because you think that your information delivery is more important than my mental peace of mind and emotional control.
You see, I keep thinking his purpose is to routinely destroy my emotional control. I don't think the data he's pushing has any other purpose than to upset me. This makes more sense, really, unless he's losing his mind. Most of the crap he gets heated up over is really stupid, like the whole anti-vax bit he's going on about. I have yet to meet anyone with a Bsc level understanding of biology and medicine, who does not agree with me that it's stupid and has no science behind it. yet why should I attempt to impart in ten minutes what cost me four formal years and $30k plus a lifetime of interest to learn? Why can't people who do not choose to specialize their interests in the topic simply let it go and trust the people in their lives who do understand it and keep saying 'it's okay." Furthermore, why has Dan go so little trust in me? Why does he think I'm so incredibly fallible? I wonder, is he a "all or nothing" kind of guy in everything? Does he think in such absolutes that one is either infallible or fallible? Maybe. He certainly thinks "any risk is too much risk, calculated or not." He's dead dull, that man, because of a basic cowardice that has grown of late into a true character flaw. I don't know how to fix it either, since that's where faith always takes it's part. That's the place faith steps in because personal knowlege simply can't do the job. Dan wants mental knowing, assurance, certainty. But there is no such thing. Either you have figured it out because you can understand it, or you need to have something to trust, faith. It isn't important where you put that faith except it has to be something above proof so it can't be taken down by life's inevitable crushing blows. It can be the overall goodness in other humans. It can be a faith in a deity. It can be a faith in a process that leads to relief,
it can be a faith in oneself and one's own infallibility. That's rare, you need to be pretty talented to do that, like my father was. He had talents in so many areas, and they were so shiny and excellent, it was astonishing. He was quick witted and able bodied, deep in memory and capable of engineering style gestalt thinking. Eidetic and photographic memory and a keen sense of melody (but not rhythm, he only had one, polka.)
He trusted himself to keep himself and those he loved safe. Perhaps he fought off attackers during the war and proved it at a young age, he was not a victim.
Well, so how do you take a man with ADHD and a victim childhood and give him faith in something? He's got no religion, not even from childhood. he had the american patriotic faith installed but it's just a hook now for mad men playing games with wallets. I thought he could take faith in me but he's too busy looking for opponents in his relationships and I'm in a terrible position anyway. I am the one forced to play mother to his childish BS and he throws more of same at me in reward. When I call him on it he gives me his bully grin and claims he's just being silly or whatever. Again, yanking me around emotionally. Behaving in ways that assault me emotionally.
Dammit. His problem, short and sweet, is he's emotionally abusive. I need to remember that and focus on that because he should be taking care of me emotionally and he's not only failing, but actively harming me. That's the whole of it as far as I need to figure it out and if he can't get a change of attitude we won't survive as a couple.
People will tell you to shut up if you're upsetting them. Then if you don't, they'll start focussing on forcing you to. The harder you fight, the more violent they'll get. Dan doesn't understand that there isn't some sort of right to scream your truths at people. I don't understand what he hopes to gain by trying to force me to get excited.
It's not like he just wants me to intake information. That'd be quick. No, it's not enough, I must believe the information, without questioning his authority to decide if it's true. But even then, that doesn't seem to be enough because he still seems to think I'm not nearly responsive enough. I wonder what histrionics are wanted. I just tried to imagine faking some but the whole business angers me too much to play with it. My usual reaction to being delivered yet more "the world is falling apart" message is anger, every time. Just like the folks on the plane. I don't want to be told that unless I can look outside and actually see the disaster that's coming for me. Nothing else is worth getting freaked out about but he seems to ghink that getting freaked out about things is a recreational activity.
Well anyway, he tried to put forth the idea that because he's concerned about it, my wifely duty obligates me to engage the conversation. Damn, he's so fucked up. Why should I have to explain it to him? He should have a buddy explaining it to him. He should be turning to his older brother who's been married years, for advice. He thinks he should figure it all out himself? I don't know. It's ffrustrating. I wish he would make a friend somehow. I keep hoping when I drag him to Penticton we'll have a neighbor who pesters him into a friendship somehow. Leonard sure tried but he got alzheimers and too sick. Besides, he was just a bit too shy to really get interactive the way it'd take. Goddess, if only that man would find a coffee row or other ranting group or friend with whom he could get this out of his system.
I'd started talking to him by Saturday night/sunday only to wind up being hammered, out of the blue, with yet more noise about vaccinations. It was not even closely related to the subject except that it included some legal information as so many conversations will. Something about regulations, you know. "we'll need a certain type of brakes on the trailer to conform to highway regulations" might be an example sentence which would trigger Dan to derail the topic back onto his favorite Fear Du Jour. He believes that the Autocracy, via our ruling governments and medical systems, is going to inject every citizen with nefarious chemicals via "required vaccinations" and that this horrible fate is being planned right now. In fact, maybe even it's being carried out in places where people are too "innocent" to be online or able to warn everyone. Well, except for those lucky escapees and professionals being interviewed for the news story he's watching. They're the few lucky people intelligent enough and moral enough to spot it, escape it, and fight it.
This comes up after I finish, yet again, asserting that autism is not caused by vaccinations. He's not even involved in that stuff, but he wan'ts to get excited about it because his favorite news outlets are excited about it. I think he feels more connected to them, a member of their team as it were, when he's preaching their gospel to me or Tom when he's over, or anyone else I might manage to get to visit.
Certainly that's possible. What I'm going to do about I don't know. I know I can't fight the propaganda machine. I have tried, getting his youtube suggestion list skewed to more productive topics like machines, construction, etc., but he just pulls himself back into the depths of tabloid emotion reporting propaganda. These guys will activate any emotional hook possible and like trolling for seafood, have every hook in the water they can find. That includes, unfortunately, the anti-feminist hook. This is nailing straight into his heart and creating more division between himself and the world. He already feels solitary and I was his only companion in that solitude, but now I'm more enemy than I ever was. I was always a bit of an enemy, because he loves to fight and tries to pick fights with the only other creatures around. I tell you, I see him picking fights with the pets. Or trying to. They don't get it so it isn't satisfying to him. He does it in a child-like way, but all his play interaction is based on opposition. He never tries to teach fetch to the dog, for instance, relying constantly on "tug of war." He never tries to make the toy into a prey animal for Timmy to chase. He doesn't try to teach the parrot new words or a trick or anything, only tries to argue with it or dominate it into quiet. With me, it's either a conversation in which he's lecturing me, or I'm lecturing him, or we're arguing. There just doesn't seem to be a conversation worth having outside of data transmission. "we're out of juice." "I'm going to the store tomorrow." Blah. That's all we can do. He doesn't seem to understand how pointless the arguing is.
Worse yet, he doesn't believe me when I tell him it's asking too much of me to expect me to go where he wants to go conversationally without any emotional involvement. I'm either involved, or I"m dead bored. Well, I haven't told him THAT yet, just thought of it here for the first time. (the ultimate purpose of this blog is to gain these ideas.)
Okay, how's that go? I cannot be expected to involve myself mentally without involving myself emotionally. First off, I have ADHD and whether humans can or not, I personally cannot. I have learned to recognize when my emotions are going too far and I try to back off and simmer down. But I can't, because you think that your information delivery is more important than my mental peace of mind and emotional control.
You see, I keep thinking his purpose is to routinely destroy my emotional control. I don't think the data he's pushing has any other purpose than to upset me. This makes more sense, really, unless he's losing his mind. Most of the crap he gets heated up over is really stupid, like the whole anti-vax bit he's going on about. I have yet to meet anyone with a Bsc level understanding of biology and medicine, who does not agree with me that it's stupid and has no science behind it. yet why should I attempt to impart in ten minutes what cost me four formal years and $30k plus a lifetime of interest to learn? Why can't people who do not choose to specialize their interests in the topic simply let it go and trust the people in their lives who do understand it and keep saying 'it's okay." Furthermore, why has Dan go so little trust in me? Why does he think I'm so incredibly fallible? I wonder, is he a "all or nothing" kind of guy in everything? Does he think in such absolutes that one is either infallible or fallible? Maybe. He certainly thinks "any risk is too much risk, calculated or not." He's dead dull, that man, because of a basic cowardice that has grown of late into a true character flaw. I don't know how to fix it either, since that's where faith always takes it's part. That's the place faith steps in because personal knowlege simply can't do the job. Dan wants mental knowing, assurance, certainty. But there is no such thing. Either you have figured it out because you can understand it, or you need to have something to trust, faith. It isn't important where you put that faith except it has to be something above proof so it can't be taken down by life's inevitable crushing blows. It can be the overall goodness in other humans. It can be a faith in a deity. It can be a faith in a process that leads to relief,
it can be a faith in oneself and one's own infallibility. That's rare, you need to be pretty talented to do that, like my father was. He had talents in so many areas, and they were so shiny and excellent, it was astonishing. He was quick witted and able bodied, deep in memory and capable of engineering style gestalt thinking. Eidetic and photographic memory and a keen sense of melody (but not rhythm, he only had one, polka.)
He trusted himself to keep himself and those he loved safe. Perhaps he fought off attackers during the war and proved it at a young age, he was not a victim.
Well, so how do you take a man with ADHD and a victim childhood and give him faith in something? He's got no religion, not even from childhood. he had the american patriotic faith installed but it's just a hook now for mad men playing games with wallets. I thought he could take faith in me but he's too busy looking for opponents in his relationships and I'm in a terrible position anyway. I am the one forced to play mother to his childish BS and he throws more of same at me in reward. When I call him on it he gives me his bully grin and claims he's just being silly or whatever. Again, yanking me around emotionally. Behaving in ways that assault me emotionally.
Dammit. His problem, short and sweet, is he's emotionally abusive. I need to remember that and focus on that because he should be taking care of me emotionally and he's not only failing, but actively harming me. That's the whole of it as far as I need to figure it out and if he can't get a change of attitude we won't survive as a couple.