if it was all my fault
If it was all my fault, the power to fix it would be all mine too. I'd just need a recipe, a map, a set of instructions, methods, etc.
Gee whiz, I do know of one. I know of one single method of instruction, set of instructions, methods, way to make oneself never the direct cause. meditation.
I've avoided it all these years because I don't get what it does. oh I've tried. I've researched.
happens...
I get mad. No really, I get mad. I get so restless my anger rises to force an end.
I think, though, if I want to really address my own possible part in my relationship woes, and I worry that I'm too volatile, too sensitive, too focussed on slights. I think if I want a plan, there's one that's been offered that I haven't tried.
Ok.
Tomorrow I will.
Oh how long do I force myself? To meditate with a timer going, doing buddhist chants because it's the only way to keep from getting into an emotional frenzy. A week? A month? A Season?
Ten minutes a day. For how many days must i force myself? I won't do that amorphouse "till you get it" stuff. I need a limit or I can't force myself and it must be a feasible time, not apparently made up.
Well, I'll google it. I'm not sleeping till this jack daniels gets through.
I still wish someone out there in the world who was genuinely impartial could say which of us needs to change.
Yeah yeah, both of us, fuck off eh? What I mean is, is Dan being emotionally abusive, or am I being emotionally volatile? Which one of us is stirring the pot to create drama? Either one of us will blame the other. the only human who's witnessed us at all keeps his thoughts to himself to avoid conflict. Which is pretty wise, really. If he did open up, he'd feel obligated to skew his opinions in my favour so he'd be little use anyway.
I believe about myself that i face hard truths and willingly undergo exercises to remedy personal flaws. I've practiced this often enough that we'd have to float that "hallucination" hypothesis to deny my effort. Just so you know. Self delusion has never been shown to be my fault. If anything, I'm too quick to brutally assault myself with possible facts that displease me.
Hell, maybe I emotionally abuse myself. but why is it unreasonable to want my husband to protect me emotionally instead of trying to frighten me with the "latest news" from gun control, the TSA, the NSA and Obama himself?
There you go, I remembered again. He actually brought up obama and the american constitution out of the blue.
He's the madman trying to drive me mad. No sane man would harp on about politics on the side opposite his wife. Let alone pretend he doesn't know how she feels and couldn't anticipate her reac. I really ought to call him on that. He is NOT that stupid. hell, nobody is. Even a sheltered workshop employee can figure that much out. He's been with me ten years. He isn't allowed to cry ignorance.
Gee whiz, I do know of one. I know of one single method of instruction, set of instructions, methods, way to make oneself never the direct cause. meditation.
I've avoided it all these years because I don't get what it does. oh I've tried. I've researched.
happens...
I get mad. No really, I get mad. I get so restless my anger rises to force an end.
I think, though, if I want to really address my own possible part in my relationship woes, and I worry that I'm too volatile, too sensitive, too focussed on slights. I think if I want a plan, there's one that's been offered that I haven't tried.
Ok.
Tomorrow I will.
Oh how long do I force myself? To meditate with a timer going, doing buddhist chants because it's the only way to keep from getting into an emotional frenzy. A week? A month? A Season?
Ten minutes a day. For how many days must i force myself? I won't do that amorphouse "till you get it" stuff. I need a limit or I can't force myself and it must be a feasible time, not apparently made up.
Well, I'll google it. I'm not sleeping till this jack daniels gets through.
I still wish someone out there in the world who was genuinely impartial could say which of us needs to change.
Yeah yeah, both of us, fuck off eh? What I mean is, is Dan being emotionally abusive, or am I being emotionally volatile? Which one of us is stirring the pot to create drama? Either one of us will blame the other. the only human who's witnessed us at all keeps his thoughts to himself to avoid conflict. Which is pretty wise, really. If he did open up, he'd feel obligated to skew his opinions in my favour so he'd be little use anyway.
I believe about myself that i face hard truths and willingly undergo exercises to remedy personal flaws. I've practiced this often enough that we'd have to float that "hallucination" hypothesis to deny my effort. Just so you know. Self delusion has never been shown to be my fault. If anything, I'm too quick to brutally assault myself with possible facts that displease me.
Hell, maybe I emotionally abuse myself. but why is it unreasonable to want my husband to protect me emotionally instead of trying to frighten me with the "latest news" from gun control, the TSA, the NSA and Obama himself?
There you go, I remembered again. He actually brought up obama and the american constitution out of the blue.
He's the madman trying to drive me mad. No sane man would harp on about politics on the side opposite his wife. Let alone pretend he doesn't know how she feels and couldn't anticipate her reac. I really ought to call him on that. He is NOT that stupid. hell, nobody is. Even a sheltered workshop employee can figure that much out. He's been with me ten years. He isn't allowed to cry ignorance.