so tense

Oh the horrible tension!  For better or for worse is all very well and good when you're considering physical disease, but if this was love, would he drag me to emotional hell with him or climb out of there with me when I yank on his hand?
I saw that Robin Williams movie.  I love it, I own it.  I love the sentiment.  But I don't agree with it.  I think it's what makes for sick relationships.  If one person is sick with mental illness and won't stop trying to drag the other one through drama for no good reason and won't even acknowlege it, till the trust is broken, then vows are not going to cut it.  I can't trust that man with my feelings, my thoughts, my opinions or my future.  I no longer believe he loves.  I believe if he did, he'd love me, but whatever's going on in that closed up head is going awry in directions I can't follow.
I do know he's getting a great deal of anti-feminist, anti-environmentalist, anti-government, and pro-gun, pro-militia feeds on his youtube lately.  That's a direction I just can't go.  I can't follow him there any more than I'd follow him to the USA or the middle east.  I'm myself before I"m his wife, no matter how much money he's spent on our life together.
so I'm going to go forward on the tiny house, build it myself, but for myself.  If he's not on board by year three when the building begins, he won't be moving into it with me.  That's all there is to it.  Either he finds a true and open heart and comes to me with his thoughts open and his hands unclenched to try and learn how to love me, or he moves back to that cursed house in Spokane to die young.
I don't have to teach anyone anything.  I will happily offer lessons on things I know, but I don't have to, so don't make it so damn hard.
He always takes so damn long to leave here.  Stayed up till 2 am last night again.  Well, to be fair, a brain that doesn't work all day only needs a few hours sleep.  Compare that with students who need more than 8 hours typically, vs workers at menial jobs who may get less than 6 per night.
ok, he's coming back upstairs, time to close this window.

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