2am and I'm miserable
Why can't people like me just die and make us all happy? I don't want to live. Nobody else wants me alive. Even my dog hates me now.
Dan came home and started another fight and I yelled about it at him for around an hour. Then trying to go to sleep (failing due to excess crying) and Timmy gets up and pisses on my bed. Just walks over to the corner and pisses then tries to bury it in the sheets. Why would he do that out of the blue? He was out at the usual time. So I'm up at 2 am with the bissel on my memory foam mattress wondering if I don't get to have a dog with me at night anymore. I think so. He pissed on the floor this morning. I really loved having him here.
If everyone just fucking hates me, why am I still here? Why can't I go somewhere and vanish? Why isn't there somewhere I can stop existing instead of facing 108 years of being a pariah with everyone? What is a person like me supposed to do? I try with all my heart, mind, and being to be the kind of person I've been told to be and I just get hated and hated and hated. I'm the scape goat for everything anyone ever wants to shove off themselves and the whole group is thrilled. Why don't they just kill me already?
I tried to do the job, I really did, but I'm no killer. Cant kill anyone, not even myself. Although, if someone around me died for any reason you may be sure I'll be sent to prison for murder. Nobody's ever died around me. Only two people whom I knew at all have died and only one of them was a friend when he got ill, and not much of one. He needed me to teach him computer and fix it and if there had been anyone else he'd have used them. He paid me a pittance so he could treat me like an employee and he was quite open about disliking me.
I really hate living this life. Being this person. There is nothing I have done that ever makes it better. I'm so damn alone.
I really have tried. I've worked on my self esteem and my pride both, trying to cultivate a confident humility that just transmits as arrogance and cool detachment.
I've tried to offer freely of my abilities which just comes across as trying to sneak my way into people's graces so they'll be in my debt.
I've tried to share my brain, which comes across as trying to show them up intellectually.
Every damn time I try to be the good sort of person my society describes and idealizes, it makes me look all the more like the complete opposite. I don't get it. I sit here and wonder if i'm actually utterly mad. If the person I think I am being is so completely unlike the person I really choose to be on the moment, and I'm so self delusional, then yes, I'm mad. I may as well be a catatonic in a mental hospital imaging my whole life in that case. I clearly am in a hallucination. Given that the only person who has observed me regularly is an emotionally stunted man with a mean streak it's quite impossible to check my facts against anything. he inspires me to want to do violence. He angers me and I believe he knows it. I told him tonight. I told him too that nothing he says will change anything, and doing more or less chores won't either. I told him punishing me wasn't going to fix it either. I said either he undergoes a significant attitude change or nothing and I'd know.
But I go away doubting myself. I question if I've the perspective anymore to know. If I'm so twisted I can't see objectively enough to recognize my part or where I could step to navigate this problem,
We tried a therapist. it didn't work. Dan didn't want to and I felt a ton of animosity and jealousy from her. i didn't trust her to be unbiased. I couldn't shake the feeling that she resented me my healthy hard working husband. Little did she know. I wouldn't know where to look for someone else or how to ask or what to say and I know Dan would lie his face off in there like he does to me and did in the last one. He is either lying, or we're back to that hallucination business. My bitch mother used to pull that crap, try and convince me my mind makes up crap and hallucinates. that doesn't help me mmuch dealing with Dan because when you attract the same kind of bullshit, it tends to validate itself. That is to say, the presence of more than one such abuser using the same accusations and hooks tends to lend much more weight to the lies. When people tell you you're crazy, you're hallucinating, etc., you are more likely to worry about it if there's more than one person like that
Oh I know how I get into it. I want to be everyone's hero. I want to make the world better one person at a time if need be. Thats the hook they use to get me to care enough to be able to manipulate my emotions. Making me lose my stony calm is the object and the bigger I blow, the bigger the reward.
I wish I did have a therapist. I'd like to be able to check. Cameras recording the events, data gathered and sifted by objective minds The actuall cause of the problem pinpointed, and an educated plan of repair. Yes I do. But that's about as likely as a lottery win that lets me finally stop tryingto havve relationships with men.
Dan came home and started another fight and I yelled about it at him for around an hour. Then trying to go to sleep (failing due to excess crying) and Timmy gets up and pisses on my bed. Just walks over to the corner and pisses then tries to bury it in the sheets. Why would he do that out of the blue? He was out at the usual time. So I'm up at 2 am with the bissel on my memory foam mattress wondering if I don't get to have a dog with me at night anymore. I think so. He pissed on the floor this morning. I really loved having him here.
If everyone just fucking hates me, why am I still here? Why can't I go somewhere and vanish? Why isn't there somewhere I can stop existing instead of facing 108 years of being a pariah with everyone? What is a person like me supposed to do? I try with all my heart, mind, and being to be the kind of person I've been told to be and I just get hated and hated and hated. I'm the scape goat for everything anyone ever wants to shove off themselves and the whole group is thrilled. Why don't they just kill me already?
I tried to do the job, I really did, but I'm no killer. Cant kill anyone, not even myself. Although, if someone around me died for any reason you may be sure I'll be sent to prison for murder. Nobody's ever died around me. Only two people whom I knew at all have died and only one of them was a friend when he got ill, and not much of one. He needed me to teach him computer and fix it and if there had been anyone else he'd have used them. He paid me a pittance so he could treat me like an employee and he was quite open about disliking me.
I really hate living this life. Being this person. There is nothing I have done that ever makes it better. I'm so damn alone.
I really have tried. I've worked on my self esteem and my pride both, trying to cultivate a confident humility that just transmits as arrogance and cool detachment.
I've tried to offer freely of my abilities which just comes across as trying to sneak my way into people's graces so they'll be in my debt.
I've tried to share my brain, which comes across as trying to show them up intellectually.
Every damn time I try to be the good sort of person my society describes and idealizes, it makes me look all the more like the complete opposite. I don't get it. I sit here and wonder if i'm actually utterly mad. If the person I think I am being is so completely unlike the person I really choose to be on the moment, and I'm so self delusional, then yes, I'm mad. I may as well be a catatonic in a mental hospital imaging my whole life in that case. I clearly am in a hallucination. Given that the only person who has observed me regularly is an emotionally stunted man with a mean streak it's quite impossible to check my facts against anything. he inspires me to want to do violence. He angers me and I believe he knows it. I told him tonight. I told him too that nothing he says will change anything, and doing more or less chores won't either. I told him punishing me wasn't going to fix it either. I said either he undergoes a significant attitude change or nothing and I'd know.
But I go away doubting myself. I question if I've the perspective anymore to know. If I'm so twisted I can't see objectively enough to recognize my part or where I could step to navigate this problem,
We tried a therapist. it didn't work. Dan didn't want to and I felt a ton of animosity and jealousy from her. i didn't trust her to be unbiased. I couldn't shake the feeling that she resented me my healthy hard working husband. Little did she know. I wouldn't know where to look for someone else or how to ask or what to say and I know Dan would lie his face off in there like he does to me and did in the last one. He is either lying, or we're back to that hallucination business. My bitch mother used to pull that crap, try and convince me my mind makes up crap and hallucinates. that doesn't help me mmuch dealing with Dan because when you attract the same kind of bullshit, it tends to validate itself. That is to say, the presence of more than one such abuser using the same accusations and hooks tends to lend much more weight to the lies. When people tell you you're crazy, you're hallucinating, etc., you are more likely to worry about it if there's more than one person like that
Oh I know how I get into it. I want to be everyone's hero. I want to make the world better one person at a time if need be. Thats the hook they use to get me to care enough to be able to manipulate my emotions. Making me lose my stony calm is the object and the bigger I blow, the bigger the reward.
I wish I did have a therapist. I'd like to be able to check. Cameras recording the events, data gathered and sifted by objective minds The actuall cause of the problem pinpointed, and an educated plan of repair. Yes I do. But that's about as likely as a lottery win that lets me finally stop tryingto havve relationships with men.