meditation day 1: fail.
Next time I try that, better bring a glass along so I know how much I've swallowed. I got so incredibly ill! Dan picked up the slack for the animals but to me showed no sympathy. I didn't expect it. He takes any excuse he can find to make me tough it out and he hasn't a clue how to emotionally care for another being anyway.
So in the spirit of keeping my word I sat on the living room floor facing my little ceramic idols, a set of tibetan cymbal finger bells (what are they called?) in my hands, and chanted the green tara mantra. I tried to keep my eyes on the statue and had the timer counting for me. I brought the dog next to me so he wouldn't feel the need to wander over and bug me.
Didn't work. He waited about six minutes into it and started dashing around and acting like he had to crap right this minute. So I had to stop, at 6 mins, feeling twice as agitated. I almost started over but my mood was truly sour and meditating has always irritated me beyond the ability to control my emotions. I don't know why. My brain starts telling me it's dumb and pointless. My brain starts complaining that it's a waste of precious time. hence the timer.
Well I'm going to try it again and again, day after day, and Timmy will get over whatever the hell this is. BTW he did not go out and crap when I opened the door.
I'm a bit worried about him though. Last night he peed on my bed. Today he still seems to be completely lacking in any confidence at all, scared and small. I even took him for a walk but the result was short lived. he can't take my emotional displays. I keep trying to tell Dan it's coming and to let me alone but he just acts like I'm doing it on purpose to power trip him. I have ADHD motherfucker, if I don't control those emotions quick they'll go too far, every time. I'll wind up in prison at this rate. For some kind of violence. I used to berserk. I'd go into a mindless murderous rage where the only part of my brain functioning anymore was my hypothalamus and it was making horrible decisions. If it wasn't for miraculous hallucinations breaking through the few times it happened when I was young, someone would have been harmed. One time, the hallucination was overlaid on the crowd. A group of nasty boys had been bullying me really hard with the rest of the school smirking and giggling along in the cafeteria. Even the supervising teacher was laughing. I was having a really bad day that day. Getting harassed, feeling ill, and spilling my school crap at every turn. I lost it when they started throwing skittles at me and picked up a chair to sweep it across the table full, through their brains, smash their nasty little faces. I was shouting and swearing with the chair above my head in the cafeteria, about to send myself into the court and mental health industry's arms. When the hallucination flowed in like it came from without. An understanding of what these boys looked like to their mothers. Yes, every one of those nasty faces morphed into what we adults see from what I as a younger child normally saw. Instead of kids nearly grown up into adults, they looked like babies. I threw the chair down and ran out of the room.
That's the sort of thing that would happen and why I have a belief in deity. How else could a 14yr old bully victim have that experience?
Well Dan's been a bully, calculated, so it was no surprise that he wasn't kind with me this morning. At least he didn't block up the bathroom on me. I did thank him for caring for the pets. I married a nasty man, sadly, and he doesn't seem to have what it takes to change that.
He was like "I don't get what you're so upset about!" "I'm angry! Don't you get it? I'm sick and tired of being treated shitty and i'm angry! I won't put up with it!" Yeah, that didn't sink in. He simply isn't going to change and when we finally give up, he's going to tell everyone I was crazy, point out mornings like this morning and evenings like last night as proof that I am crazy and he couldn't be blamed.
I won't really talk about him at all. Too little faith that anyone would believe me. No point anyway. Nobody needs to know what's going on except him and if he can't understand, that's all there is to it.
I need more food.
So in the spirit of keeping my word I sat on the living room floor facing my little ceramic idols, a set of tibetan cymbal finger bells (what are they called?) in my hands, and chanted the green tara mantra. I tried to keep my eyes on the statue and had the timer counting for me. I brought the dog next to me so he wouldn't feel the need to wander over and bug me.
Didn't work. He waited about six minutes into it and started dashing around and acting like he had to crap right this minute. So I had to stop, at 6 mins, feeling twice as agitated. I almost started over but my mood was truly sour and meditating has always irritated me beyond the ability to control my emotions. I don't know why. My brain starts telling me it's dumb and pointless. My brain starts complaining that it's a waste of precious time. hence the timer.
Well I'm going to try it again and again, day after day, and Timmy will get over whatever the hell this is. BTW he did not go out and crap when I opened the door.
I'm a bit worried about him though. Last night he peed on my bed. Today he still seems to be completely lacking in any confidence at all, scared and small. I even took him for a walk but the result was short lived. he can't take my emotional displays. I keep trying to tell Dan it's coming and to let me alone but he just acts like I'm doing it on purpose to power trip him. I have ADHD motherfucker, if I don't control those emotions quick they'll go too far, every time. I'll wind up in prison at this rate. For some kind of violence. I used to berserk. I'd go into a mindless murderous rage where the only part of my brain functioning anymore was my hypothalamus and it was making horrible decisions. If it wasn't for miraculous hallucinations breaking through the few times it happened when I was young, someone would have been harmed. One time, the hallucination was overlaid on the crowd. A group of nasty boys had been bullying me really hard with the rest of the school smirking and giggling along in the cafeteria. Even the supervising teacher was laughing. I was having a really bad day that day. Getting harassed, feeling ill, and spilling my school crap at every turn. I lost it when they started throwing skittles at me and picked up a chair to sweep it across the table full, through their brains, smash their nasty little faces. I was shouting and swearing with the chair above my head in the cafeteria, about to send myself into the court and mental health industry's arms. When the hallucination flowed in like it came from without. An understanding of what these boys looked like to their mothers. Yes, every one of those nasty faces morphed into what we adults see from what I as a younger child normally saw. Instead of kids nearly grown up into adults, they looked like babies. I threw the chair down and ran out of the room.
That's the sort of thing that would happen and why I have a belief in deity. How else could a 14yr old bully victim have that experience?
Well Dan's been a bully, calculated, so it was no surprise that he wasn't kind with me this morning. At least he didn't block up the bathroom on me. I did thank him for caring for the pets. I married a nasty man, sadly, and he doesn't seem to have what it takes to change that.
He was like "I don't get what you're so upset about!" "I'm angry! Don't you get it? I'm sick and tired of being treated shitty and i'm angry! I won't put up with it!" Yeah, that didn't sink in. He simply isn't going to change and when we finally give up, he's going to tell everyone I was crazy, point out mornings like this morning and evenings like last night as proof that I am crazy and he couldn't be blamed.
I won't really talk about him at all. Too little faith that anyone would believe me. No point anyway. Nobody needs to know what's going on except him and if he can't understand, that's all there is to it.
I need more food.