mental health getting in the way again
My mental health has been so poor lately I am missing out on the dutch language course I wanted to take. I've already missed the first week and I'm still quite unable to concentrate enough to learn anything. So frustrating.
I go so upset I had to go outside and do some hard physical work for awhile to keep my self control. You know, like Dan doesn't ever do?
I was trying to explain something about our tiny house and the legal framework it needs to fit. I mean, it's not like you can slam wheels under a garden shed and hit the road, even if you build it well. In the attempt, however, I had to reference the laws.
So he changed the topic immediately into a complaint about how the laws are BS intended to oppress "us." (Him, really.) The policies in question related to the environmental laws for vehicle emmissions. He now is convinced that there's no environmental problems to worry about, it's a tax grab. Yesterday when I was correcting some of the rampant rage he spews that way he stopped me to tell me I had no credence with him. of course, he didn't use that word, he said "where do you get your sources?" I mean, what, I should carry a bibliography list around and shove it in his face? Yeah, and he'd claim I made that up. He certainly wouldn't check my facts because they're exciting enough or simple enough. He's becoming a stupid man as well as an ignorant man and my respect is dying like a plant in a drought.
Well i stopped him the first sentence to tell him, no, he can't derail our tiny house convo to a political one about what "they" are doing to "us." So he responded with "no but" and more of the argument he was more interested in pursuing than the horrible details of actually accomplishing something in our life.
I'm building that tiny house with or without him and if he won't participate, it'll be without blueprints and just big enough for one human, one bird, and one dog. and he can keep this cottage and rot in it.
So I guess the next five years sees big changes one way or another. If I get my tiny house, I'll find a way to move it out to BC and figure out also where, and how to get by out there. somehow. And he's welcome to come along only if he's willing to show some fucking consideration for me.
He truly thinks that being asked for consideration is an imposition. By anyone and everyone. How do I explain it to him? He's almost sixty and still doesn't get it!
Well the stress of having him around so much being so aggravating is ruining my mental health. I can't quit crying some days. Can't concentrate. Can't organize myself. Can't stay on track. All caused by the severe tension I'm in. I'm so tense you could twang me like a string instrument. I cry every damn day. He thinks the line is at "I never hit you or stuff around you" but it's so much worse now.
I keep thinking with great horror and fear that this is all calculated emotional abuse, not his mental illness about oppositional defiance, or rather, that I've become a primary target of it. I mean to say, what if he's spending thought finding things most likely to offend me and then urged from within to bring up inflammatory subjects and throw them at me like daggers for the sheer purpose of creating emotional drama in me? I spend my life trying to control my emotions and he spends it trying to force me to lose that control?
I don't want to believe that but now that I've expressed it through, I do. I really do. I think this is all about him and me, and his desire to hurt me continuously for the last ten years and my desire to think better of him and bear up under it till his better self rises to the occasion.
so if that's true, then we won't survive the tiny house construction and he won't lift a finger to help.
He doesn't hate me, he's sick and twisted and using me because he is too far gone into a whacked out idea of how to relate. Like the dramatic daily explosion of emotion is a masturbatory event for him that he does unconsciously. The conscious elements driven by the general disrespect he cultivates in his victimized mind.
The only idea I've had to go forward with is to shout "no" and get up and leave when he does it. If only I could remember. Maybe then I can at least avoid the devastating emotional upheaval that deraills my entire day. I was going to go grocery shopping but now i'm stuck doing therapy art, crying, and crouching into myself hoping he doesn't try to be nice to me again. it's how he starts it, wiith some light shallow conversational comments. Like he's testing to see if I'm ready for another emotional milking.
I can't stand it anymore, frankly. I really can't. I must find a way to stop it.
I go so upset I had to go outside and do some hard physical work for awhile to keep my self control. You know, like Dan doesn't ever do?
I was trying to explain something about our tiny house and the legal framework it needs to fit. I mean, it's not like you can slam wheels under a garden shed and hit the road, even if you build it well. In the attempt, however, I had to reference the laws.
So he changed the topic immediately into a complaint about how the laws are BS intended to oppress "us." (Him, really.) The policies in question related to the environmental laws for vehicle emmissions. He now is convinced that there's no environmental problems to worry about, it's a tax grab. Yesterday when I was correcting some of the rampant rage he spews that way he stopped me to tell me I had no credence with him. of course, he didn't use that word, he said "where do you get your sources?" I mean, what, I should carry a bibliography list around and shove it in his face? Yeah, and he'd claim I made that up. He certainly wouldn't check my facts because they're exciting enough or simple enough. He's becoming a stupid man as well as an ignorant man and my respect is dying like a plant in a drought.
Well i stopped him the first sentence to tell him, no, he can't derail our tiny house convo to a political one about what "they" are doing to "us." So he responded with "no but" and more of the argument he was more interested in pursuing than the horrible details of actually accomplishing something in our life.
I'm building that tiny house with or without him and if he won't participate, it'll be without blueprints and just big enough for one human, one bird, and one dog. and he can keep this cottage and rot in it.
So I guess the next five years sees big changes one way or another. If I get my tiny house, I'll find a way to move it out to BC and figure out also where, and how to get by out there. somehow. And he's welcome to come along only if he's willing to show some fucking consideration for me.
He truly thinks that being asked for consideration is an imposition. By anyone and everyone. How do I explain it to him? He's almost sixty and still doesn't get it!
Well the stress of having him around so much being so aggravating is ruining my mental health. I can't quit crying some days. Can't concentrate. Can't organize myself. Can't stay on track. All caused by the severe tension I'm in. I'm so tense you could twang me like a string instrument. I cry every damn day. He thinks the line is at "I never hit you or stuff around you" but it's so much worse now.
I keep thinking with great horror and fear that this is all calculated emotional abuse, not his mental illness about oppositional defiance, or rather, that I've become a primary target of it. I mean to say, what if he's spending thought finding things most likely to offend me and then urged from within to bring up inflammatory subjects and throw them at me like daggers for the sheer purpose of creating emotional drama in me? I spend my life trying to control my emotions and he spends it trying to force me to lose that control?
I don't want to believe that but now that I've expressed it through, I do. I really do. I think this is all about him and me, and his desire to hurt me continuously for the last ten years and my desire to think better of him and bear up under it till his better self rises to the occasion.
so if that's true, then we won't survive the tiny house construction and he won't lift a finger to help.
He doesn't hate me, he's sick and twisted and using me because he is too far gone into a whacked out idea of how to relate. Like the dramatic daily explosion of emotion is a masturbatory event for him that he does unconsciously. The conscious elements driven by the general disrespect he cultivates in his victimized mind.
The only idea I've had to go forward with is to shout "no" and get up and leave when he does it. If only I could remember. Maybe then I can at least avoid the devastating emotional upheaval that deraills my entire day. I was going to go grocery shopping but now i'm stuck doing therapy art, crying, and crouching into myself hoping he doesn't try to be nice to me again. it's how he starts it, wiith some light shallow conversational comments. Like he's testing to see if I'm ready for another emotional milking.
I can't stand it anymore, frankly. I really can't. I must find a way to stop it.