feeling better
So drinking always breaks the brain's cycle of emotion creating reasons creating more emotion. I'm therefor feeling better. I also found some excellent websites on ADHD that help clarify a lot. I shared it with Dan and he read some of it but sadly not all and I don't think he's going to take up the cause and let me off the responsibility hook yet. From the reading I am now utterly certain that I am doing my full best and following all the guides. Dan, however, is just rampantly indulging his disorder at my expense.
So then I saw this video on the brain that said my brain can't tell the difference between physical and mental injury and pain! Nor can it understand that imaginary isn't happening. So if you imagine getting your head slammed, your brain will react as though it has to protect from a slam. This will cause all the usual secondary harm that stress does. You see, the way the body adapts to injury is not a healthy way to function unless there is actually a dire need. It's like climbing over sandbags every day to get in your yard even though it hasn't flooded out there for years, if it ever did. It's tiring, inefficient, and you get a lot of road rash and bruises and broken stuff. But if there's a flood, it's still worth the harm.
So too is stress on the body like that wall of sandbags. it's purpose is to protect from sudden injury or assault but it comes up over imaginary financial threats, emotional abuse from family members, social anxiety, and so forth. When I sit here even just listing it my brain is getting ready for each of those threats as though I'd heard the buffalo in the distance on the move towards me. Once the hormones get ticking, the brain, not having a firm grasp on the threat, keeps seeking threats to notice.
So what I've been doing, since imagination is as good as doing it, is imagining those beautiful places I used to visit and can't reach now physically. Walks in beautiful forests or kayaking on the river in the sun, or flying down a hill on a summer day with my bike under me. I'm doing it now.
Let's go to Cathedral forest, okay? The trees are so tall you could fit a telephone pole under the lowest branches with room to spare. The underbrush is short enough that you can see an open space like the columns of Moria in Middle Earth (Tolkien). they march away in random order forever, fog and grey light filtered from dappled sunlight on the floor. Above, way up, it's green fur. It looks spiky and hard and fuzzy all at once. The underbrush is bright green. It's fluffy everywhere, like puffs of leaf. Giant ferns, young deciduous trees, the occasional break in the canopy with a nurse log covered in baby trees and ferns. Shining everywhere are the boggy patches of rainwater that let you know this is truly a rain forest, even though it gets layered in white ice every year for awhile. The sound is mostly dripping, and the other tourists everywhere on the boardwalks. There's kids giggling and calling, thumping of running, and hushed voices of people in awe. The traffic and people make more noise than the occasional bird call but nothing can cover the constant dripping. There aren't any mosquitos, just the moise scent of cedar bark steaming quietly in the rays of sun.
Oh I feel so much better. So that's my meditation! That's it! I don't need to sit on the floor trying to be asian to get benefit. I just need to learn to practice this imaginary walking every single time I start to get tense. It'll be so soon that I find it becomes second nature and can be bright to work in a moment. Right now the effect is brief and the return to anxiety as quick as habit. Nevermind, this time I'm crying in hope and relief. I'm so glad I don't have to flipping chant like that anymore. It was so fake. It's not fake if it's your thing, but if it isn't, it's extremely fake.
So I shall wander the hills of east Oshawa again, the rainforest of vancouver island, the beaches of Vancouver, Toronto, and lake Superior. I will recall the glory of the mountains in the moonlight, and the quiet hills of Ontario steaming in the early morning mist. I won't just do this five minutes a day, I will do this constantly through the day just as my anxiety constantly rises. If we can kill the stress inputs from Dan so I don't have as much to carry, this new trick could take me back into the world again. I need to heal this agoraphobia/social phobia. It's excessive and there's a place I can find in myself where I'm able to interact again, I'm sure of it. It wasn't that bad and I don't need to be that good, but I'm too injured right now to see it or feel it. I think my dog is suffering from my state too. My emotions are so damn volatile it's causing him anxiety! I really need to nail this down before it gets worse. I've already addressed lifestyle issues so this all about mental habits.
I believe I have as much mental "self control" as needed, I just didn't have a clue how to direct my mind correctly.
You see, meditation leaders are not usually ADHD. Meditators are almost never ADHD and I've noticed they shun people who are because the energy level is too disturbing. So how can someone with ADHD learn mental discipline from them? It is a different brain! You may as well try and teach a dog to paddle a kayak with oars.
So then I saw this video on the brain that said my brain can't tell the difference between physical and mental injury and pain! Nor can it understand that imaginary isn't happening. So if you imagine getting your head slammed, your brain will react as though it has to protect from a slam. This will cause all the usual secondary harm that stress does. You see, the way the body adapts to injury is not a healthy way to function unless there is actually a dire need. It's like climbing over sandbags every day to get in your yard even though it hasn't flooded out there for years, if it ever did. It's tiring, inefficient, and you get a lot of road rash and bruises and broken stuff. But if there's a flood, it's still worth the harm.
So too is stress on the body like that wall of sandbags. it's purpose is to protect from sudden injury or assault but it comes up over imaginary financial threats, emotional abuse from family members, social anxiety, and so forth. When I sit here even just listing it my brain is getting ready for each of those threats as though I'd heard the buffalo in the distance on the move towards me. Once the hormones get ticking, the brain, not having a firm grasp on the threat, keeps seeking threats to notice.
So what I've been doing, since imagination is as good as doing it, is imagining those beautiful places I used to visit and can't reach now physically. Walks in beautiful forests or kayaking on the river in the sun, or flying down a hill on a summer day with my bike under me. I'm doing it now.
Let's go to Cathedral forest, okay? The trees are so tall you could fit a telephone pole under the lowest branches with room to spare. The underbrush is short enough that you can see an open space like the columns of Moria in Middle Earth (Tolkien). they march away in random order forever, fog and grey light filtered from dappled sunlight on the floor. Above, way up, it's green fur. It looks spiky and hard and fuzzy all at once. The underbrush is bright green. It's fluffy everywhere, like puffs of leaf. Giant ferns, young deciduous trees, the occasional break in the canopy with a nurse log covered in baby trees and ferns. Shining everywhere are the boggy patches of rainwater that let you know this is truly a rain forest, even though it gets layered in white ice every year for awhile. The sound is mostly dripping, and the other tourists everywhere on the boardwalks. There's kids giggling and calling, thumping of running, and hushed voices of people in awe. The traffic and people make more noise than the occasional bird call but nothing can cover the constant dripping. There aren't any mosquitos, just the moise scent of cedar bark steaming quietly in the rays of sun.
Oh I feel so much better. So that's my meditation! That's it! I don't need to sit on the floor trying to be asian to get benefit. I just need to learn to practice this imaginary walking every single time I start to get tense. It'll be so soon that I find it becomes second nature and can be bright to work in a moment. Right now the effect is brief and the return to anxiety as quick as habit. Nevermind, this time I'm crying in hope and relief. I'm so glad I don't have to flipping chant like that anymore. It was so fake. It's not fake if it's your thing, but if it isn't, it's extremely fake.
So I shall wander the hills of east Oshawa again, the rainforest of vancouver island, the beaches of Vancouver, Toronto, and lake Superior. I will recall the glory of the mountains in the moonlight, and the quiet hills of Ontario steaming in the early morning mist. I won't just do this five minutes a day, I will do this constantly through the day just as my anxiety constantly rises. If we can kill the stress inputs from Dan so I don't have as much to carry, this new trick could take me back into the world again. I need to heal this agoraphobia/social phobia. It's excessive and there's a place I can find in myself where I'm able to interact again, I'm sure of it. It wasn't that bad and I don't need to be that good, but I'm too injured right now to see it or feel it. I think my dog is suffering from my state too. My emotions are so damn volatile it's causing him anxiety! I really need to nail this down before it gets worse. I've already addressed lifestyle issues so this all about mental habits.
I believe I have as much mental "self control" as needed, I just didn't have a clue how to direct my mind correctly.
You see, meditation leaders are not usually ADHD. Meditators are almost never ADHD and I've noticed they shun people who are because the energy level is too disturbing. So how can someone with ADHD learn mental discipline from them? It is a different brain! You may as well try and teach a dog to paddle a kayak with oars.