This is my firiend to talk to.

I really can't just go talkto someone.  Nobody wants to listen to me like that.  I mean, the blog has no choice but it's not exactly on the NYT best read blog's list.  Probably isn't one, but you know what I mean.

I'm just spiralling. I do most heartily wish never again to speak to a medical professional because of today's conversation.
Phrases like "all self reported."  The way he never referenced the functional assessment.  The way he had no idea what the books held. The way he kept reminding me of the time.  the way he has grown steadily more curt with me over time.  
I do not believe this will ever be different with anyone trying to help me in any capacity. They give up long before they demonstrate their ire. They give up but stay polite awhile. Which I dismiss, trying to convince myself I"m imagining it.  Like how I"m going to convince myself that I'm imagining any and all physical dysfunction or discomfort.
I'm dead sure he won't book another appointment.  I'll have to initiate. and I won't. But if he does, how do I express that I want to quit paying any attention to my health whatsoever? How to say it without telling him I feel unsafe now that he has given up on me?  Without saying I think he has done that? Without giving any feedback whatsover, how to quit the relationship, and yet leave the "primary health care provider" status open for forms?  
Or does it matter? 
I honestly think I have to force myself to die.  I really feel that way tonight.  Like I have 4 wks left. And nothing is coming to solve anything and nobody will ever consider it important.  Even if they did, they would be helpless to do anything for me anyway. 
That's how it feels today.
I don't even trust the guy with my disability application anymore. I think he's going to sabotage me. If only to make me mad enough to quit using him or something.  I am already there. 
But if it's all just a personality disorder it's not a disability anyway. Nobody recognizes "just a fucking asshole" as a problem for anyone but the person in question and it's deserved and let them suffer.  And I think that's me. 
I don't understand why. I don't aim for this.  I don't percieve myself this way nor my motivations or intentions. But that also is self reported, right?
I mean, that's codespeak for "trying to game the system, slap them down hard." 
I own't see what he did till the rejection arrives and then it's over. Twice rejected, that's enough to give up. Nobody fucking cares, joe, how you feel, what you experienc,e where you go, or what you do.  Just don't ask for help, money, attention or anything else for that matter.  Just stop needing other people,  Joe, because we fucking hate you. But you better not kill yourself, we'll all feel slightly responsible. 
Yeah, right.  Like wow. Is there a place to go that someone else will do the job and let you off the hook as well as me?
yeah, going to be a shitty weekend.  
I have no more appointments.  I have enough store items for the rest of my life. I need not go out except walking the dogs.  Only problem I havent solved is how to get the pets out without alerting people such that they interfere. Maybe I should let them die with me.
It seems wrong.
But then wrong by what metric? What does wrong even mean? If the whole fucking thing including their minds, wants, etc., the theory of mind stuff, is all just my imagination, then why trouble myself about them?
that's going to be a hard one to put on myself.  maybe on that day, I will figure out an excuse.  Like "hey, I have to spend the whole day downtown, can you look after the pets till I come back?"  But then he will expect to use the bus.
What about the car? huh. How to carbon monoxide the car?  Getting somewhere private is easy, but getting the co in there thick enough, hmmm.  I like it, though, nobody will interfere.  It won't be as easy to lay back and sleep and I don't know how to set up a carbon monoxide spewer without also getting too damn hot. 
Still.  Hmmm. 
Productive idea.  dying in the car on some back road would mean not having to alert anyone with pet distribution.
I just need to think about how else maybe I can do it.  I don't see myself getting the drugs to OD on, too alien. I know it won't involve bleeding.  It won't be a public drama. 
See, this musing, it comforts me because it beats thinking about my place in tghe world and how small it's gotten and how precarious my life is now. 
I really can't.,

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