Symptom diary is bad for you

Ah, who knew, not me for sure. Recording symptoms makes you feel MUCH worse!! 
I not only am deeperly (it's a word now) aware of my own discomfort, but the sheer weight of it all is freaking me out.  I am struggling with the emotional fear and anger and frustration and grief all at once. 
Alone, really, more or less.
I am trying to talk to others but it's not really possible, I get too many side tracks.
Speaking of which, I recall the first asessment demonstrating to me that my ADHD is actually insanely severe but I've got so many copes I can function in spite of it.
Well that's happening again and I"m even getting notes on how to explain it to the health care provider to make sure the point gets across.
The advocate was telling me how contradictory my statements were until she got deeper and did a proper interview and then it turns out, I minimize my own problems. I try and make excuses, diminish it, or outright dismiss it.
Yeah, that checks. I mean, it's what I was taught. But it does sound like my ADHD on it's own qualifies as a serious disability. She kept saying "you've got so many things going on."  I was like "yeah, I know, it's why I need help." 
But the word of the year is definitely "preposterous" and this unicorn, he is preposterous.
Emotionally, it's really hitting me in the ego.  
It feels like it's coming up from behind and overwhelming me. Like i don't know what I feel nor saw it coming. 
Yet I can analyze it. It's clear to me that this is related to my long held self image of physical fitness and strength. Even while at death's door I told myself I would recover and be strong again, maybe competitively strong!  I tell myself that. All the time. "Whatever it is, I will find out how to heal it, or get around it, and get strong again." 
But this? This is hitting me in all the spots.  Neurological, emotional, physical weakness and failures, debilitating pain, poor breathing, trouble keeping up with my dailies.  And I don't even know what those are. 
Being able to do it myself was all I ever had. 
That's it.
It's the terror of helplessness in a world that never helped me. 
It's getting harder and harder to keep up the diary. I might call it off by next appointment.  It's got strong enough evidence already, I think.  Full report of bowel flares, back flares, and all the weird glitches.  
I am really sick of doing it.
I can decide tomorrow. 
naw,I decided. It's done.
Let me post this and write in the symptom diary some notes.

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