Health goes up and down

Valentines day was kind of depressing but not because of the social day designation.  I got over that a long  time ago.  Now it's just a way to get discount chocolate in late February.  No, it was the flipside of something that makes me happy.  Warmer weather makes feeding myself even harder.  If I buy lunchmeat, it's got to be eaten in a single day. I can't keep yogurt or OJ more than 3 days at best now, same with cheese. Eggs need to be pickled unless they're the unwashed ones from Nickle's bakery.  But I can't afford to go shopping, and that too was getting to me.  I still can't afford to buy food at all, and I was looking at my dwindling supplies wondering how hungry I would get.

Then the pot.  Yeah, had about a day's worth left, if I was light use.  So I was feeling pretty anxious about that.  I was also seeing the honey dwindle as I used it for chocolate and gelatin.  The concentrated lemon was also almost gone.  

Oh, and the diesel was nearly out for the heater.  Yeah, so I was feeling kind of nervous, as wednesday is my next income and it won't go far.

This is where Dan is able to step in and use my vulnerability to stay important and signal virtue and buy permission to be a shithead. Although it's not coming from me. I still call him on his behaviour anyway. Goddamnit I will NOT be yelled at or belittled without clapping back even if you do help me.  I will also call you on it if you make me more tense.

It's helping.  Well so he refilled the heater diesel last night and today brought what groceries I  could think of, and weed from a guy who's renting Dan's generator by paying the weed, which Dan gave me.

So all my needs got covered without me begging, even if they did come via a person I'm trying get distance on.  However, I never forget how I came to lose my house or that he owes me alimony for 20 years of putting up with his shit and housekeeping for him and all the shopping and errands and yardwork and animal care and gardening and cooking and laundry. You know, full on butlering, while he treated me like absolute garbage.

So yeah, he's doing stuff for me now. But don't get it twisted, he can never make up for what he's done and this is a pittance and he's free to decide what, when, and how much he chooses to give, too. All the power in his hands still.

I will not forget who we are, who he has been, or who he can be again, given the power to do so. It's holding him at arm's length. It's having been sick enough to ambulance to hospital for a week. These are why he's behaving himself. Not because of a changed personality but because I'm scaring the shit out of him being sick again.  If I have the power to die, to drive off, or to fire him out of my life, then he minds his manners.  Make no mistake, he is always angling for a way to reduce that power and get more ability to act badly.  He tests me every damn day too. I am learning that leaning into my health is a simple way to reduce the abusive behaviour.  It's only manipulative if I feel healthy.  Today is a pretty good day, light pain where there's pain, Nothing overwhelming or long lasting, light allergies.  Mostly mellow mood.  I had a good sleep too.

I am still waiting for an appointment for psych assessment.  Curious as hell how that will go.

I also have a requistion for Xray but it had to be emailed to the clinic 4 hours prior to calling, and I got it after 1pm on a friday.  So I mailed it but must wait to call on monday to book it.  This is to see if my tailbone has been cracked or not, once and for all.  I wonder sometimes if I've been gaslighted or changed timelines or dimensions.  Like I swear Dr. Wei told me about it but when I recalled it to him, he insisted he had never, was no sign, hadn't see any such thing on any xray, didn't know where I got the idea. Was he the one who has bad memory? Did he gaslight me to avoid work? If I was wrong, where did that memory come from?  I still remember the video image of him turning from his computer to tell me.  Dark green shirt, dark red tie, grey pants, those fancy leather shoes, fancy watch, fist on knee as he turns to me.  "Did you know you have a cracked tailbone?  I saw it on your xray recently." "Oh," I respond, "that makes sense, I remember falling on my tailbone."  I do too. It was february, within a week of valentines, 1988 and I had a new pentax SLR with tripod.  I was wearing wooden shoes and the ground was ice ruts from vehicles, as it usually is in february. Deeply cold, highs of -18 and it was night, so closer to -21C.  I had been taking night shots of the city and was walking home when my shoe slipped on the ice and I went down. I twisted to cushion my camera with my body as I fell.  I think someone, probably Larry, was there, but I don't quite remember him.  All my awareness was tunnel vision focused on the camera and the pain and the black velvet sky full of stars and the shiny hard white snow under me.  But I do remember his hand lifting and helping me walk home. 

I made a herb tea as the blinding pain in my back just obliterated the periphery of my awareness.  I drank the potion and crashed out with careful pillow positioning for the night and slept on the herbs. In the morning I drank the rest of the pot and continued to rest while booking a chiropractor appointment in 3 days.  By then, my back was just painful,m not acute, and he said it was clear I had injured it but it looked far more healed than only 3 days and I was doing it right. By then I was stretching carefully again too. 

Did I crack it?  Has it misaligned or fused something?  Does this explain my lower back issues with standing or sitting regularly in a chair?  I need to sit half lotus or nothing. 

I still don't have enough protien sources nor money to go buy something but I am able to manage 3 little meals a day still.

Whether or not I can meet my daily calories remains to be seen. I'm okay with losing up to another 30lbs anyway.  I'm built pretty small, I don't need a lot of meat to be me. I just hate fighting hunger cravings. 

ok, g'nite.