cognitive dissonance is hard

I met with the disability advocate. At each step of this red tape process I seem to gain a little more validation.  Today the office was filled with people with disabilities and the woman in front of me had her own back ache story she didn't have to tell.  Her posture spoke it. I was too overwhelmed by the human interface to really think about it but also had a lot of swirling feelings.

Worry overy being seen as faking or exaggerating, for instance. Exhaustion from getting lost in downtown.  I really did lose my bearings over and over again. Not normal for me.  I paused to make a note in my symptom diary.  I hope Patrick isn't too annoyed by the first one, I really only intend a one month snapshot so we have a picture of my health that my memory cannot provide.  Ignoring and forgetting my discomfort is my normal.  I am not sure if or what I am learning with it, but it still seems a good idea to get some proper data.

So the disability thing.  It's driving me mad, honestly. Being seen, heard, belived, it's such a break with my experiences in the past it's causing a paradigm shift of the earthquake sort.  Oh it's worth it, don't get me wrong, but it's this mental discomfort that makes people sabotage themselves, believe me.  I'm riding it like a bucking horse. I won't let go no matter what.  It's terrifying and hopeful and terrifying and exhausting.

I'm curious as hell to find out how sick I get this week now after this morning's exertions.

Also, I have decided not to ration my food, but to eat enough of it each day until it's gone then fast until more comes along and leave it at that. 

I think that'll be more comfortable overall. 

I tried another "food bank" charity and got hit in the face with a red tape slapper, metaphorically speakingg. I just keep running into these barriers and my poor addled pate just flees. Run away run away, no shame in that game, just gtfo. Each failed attempt is making it worse, I can feel it.  I can't even imagine it anymore. 

Well today I had cream and honey and cocoa, and a giant citrus and cheese too.  Oh and a hot chocolate and some cookies at the office.  I think she saw how overwrought I was at some point, stopping to fetch me a hot drink.  I was so glad of myfinished lace blanket scarf.  I love it so much, tactilely, that I want to make another one. Maybe send it to Celina, that sweet sweet lady in northern ontario who helped me so long ago and has stayed in touch since. She always makes space for me, never grieves me for not checking in with her enough, and is just kind. She totally deserves a thing like this.  I'd love to give her one. 

yeah, and picturing her snuggling into it would make the making of it so much more fun.

My exhaustion today is definitely affecting my emotions.  Lot's of depression. 

It's also so surreal to be getting the help I have begged for. Surreal.  I wonder, though, I did get it in Saskatchewan just before leaving. Why then is it so surreal to me?  The despair I felt, I guess, produces this clinging effect?  Like despair is a type of stain and slimy stringy thing that clings and sticks around awhile?

Sure, let's go with that, it makes as much sense as needed.  Despair doesn't just crackle and fall away. It's slowly washes off like molasses in rain. 

Plus which, of course, the jeapardy is yet in front of me. As is much of the labour.  While my health is really getting shitty.  No, but my stamina is fucked, my muscles cramp and ache, tendons and all, it's getting a bit much. I miss taking the dogs to the beach, too. I miss the beach park. It's not too bad if I cross the tracks instead of the overpass but lately I can barely manage a turn around the block.

Well, anyway, I wanted to examine how I am crying at being given help and treated honestly.

The years before the cancer haven't lost their grip either and Dr. Wei of the nice shoes was on track to retraumatize me with neglect at the point I left. 

Coming out here, I prayed finally to be seen, and I think they do. I don't thinkI'm displaying the pain and exhaustion, but I guess they're watching more closely than I know. I was collapsing on the desk a bit when she left and went for the cocoa, feeling alone, I just rested nd tried to stop crying a bit. I was so tired. I guess the 3 other workers around me could well have told her "yep, you should see him when you leave him alone.  Just collapses. He's hiding his pain, not faking it."  Because, yeah, that's me.  that's what i do, like an animal, I hide it and just slow down and eventually go off my food.

Because I really do have a communication problem.  I'ts all over the place.  Too much, not enough, none at all, you never know from one moment to the next.

Oh and my memory, wow, gone to crap.

I got lost today. Not momentarily, actually lost in direction and place in an area I know better than that. I kept forgetting where I was going, where I was at, and what direction to turn. It was so unlike me.  I got worired.  Am worried. it's not serious, but it's important.  Like it's probably a blip I won't see again, or a new challenge I'll cope around.  You know me, if I can't go straight, I pivot and figure out a way around it.  That counts for disability challenges too. If my memory has been traumatized to death, well then I will learn ways .around it.  I don't know what yet.

Oh and the bus pass was useless because I tried to go one zone too many and had to use my other card to exit, being charged double, essentially. So the cards I have are strictly for going up to lonsdale.  If I do again. Checking mail? I do want to leave a tee shirt gift at the hospital for the woman helping me there. 

Ok,I'm tired.