Bring on the caffiene

ok, so here's what's driving me absolutely batty.  There is a disconnect between two realities.
The line is my face.  On the outside of my face, it would seem that what is coming out is barf loads of static, incomprehensible and fake.  what's coming back at me is not commesurate with what I think I am sending out.  Like right now, I think I am typing grammatically correct english with a subject matter that can be understood and followed.
But in fact, it might be a lot of disconnected weird statements about random things.  And when i read it back, I still see what I think I'm typing. 
Inside my head, I am struggling to be as honest and clear and forthright and complete as I can.  
but I'm being treated as someone who is trying to manipulate, distract, delude and I don't even know.  Lying and manipulating, though. 
I just can't with this interface. 
Who the fuck am I? Am i delusional? Am I locked behind some weird force that interrrupts the exchange and "translates" me back and forth so I am always gibberish?  Am I speaking the wrong language? 
It's all just so nonsensical.  Illogical. Preposterous. Hopeless.
I'm pretty sure the NP won't ever initiate contact so I simply have to stop booking appointments.  
Will he sabotage my disability application? Well, if I live to find out, I'll let you know.
I rather not live that long but then it migth slam home real quick, just to be impactful.  i think rejections come through more quickly.  But then making one wait the maximum for one's slap in the face is another movea sadist might enjoy. 
I just wish I could figure out a safe exit plan.  Sure, quiet, not going to leave me simply more disabled, doesn't kill the pets. 
Also, being upset helps a lot with the weak hands.  It's like the amped up messages get through. I was having all kinds of issues striking my lighter and then I felt mad and freaked out about things and suddenly the light strike is natural again.
So more caffiene is prescribed. 
Fuck my fucking heart, I would very much like a heart attack this next four weeks, please. Bring on the fucking caffiene.

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