Leopards and their spots, amirite?

I posted about my suspicions with MS onto facebook.  Quite deviously, honestly, knowing that my mother is paying attention there.  I want her to know how damn hard I've had it, and am having it.  Because I want her to feel enough guilt about her failure towards me, and her cruelty, that she does include me enough in her will to rescue me.  

I mean, imagine she died and it's all my sister's.  That's highly likely, it's in character.  But then she also has times of what seems genuine remorse.  Whether it's remorese, it displays a cognitive understanding of her role in my suffering.

Well she sure did read it, and, letting me know she knows, immediately gaslighted me about my dad's case.  Lady, if it had turned out to be a stroke after all, you'd have beeped up about it in the last forty years.  Yes, you love that kind of gossip. you also have been gaslighting me since I could talk.  It never resulted as you intended.  Rather, it puzzled me why you kept doing it. I knew you were doing it even at age 4!!!  I just couldn't figure out why my "loveing mother" was lying to me and arguing with me about something we'd both experienced.  I often concluded that you had a delusional memory.  I never once thought you were trying to convince me that I was delusional.  I just trusted my memory that much.  Still do.  Those are my experiennces and they're my truth and if they're corrupted, I know that too.  that may oe day fade, but not because some lying narcissist tried to brainwash me!

Yeah, wow. Still at it, at the very end or her life. 

Good thing neither of us believes is afterlife punishment. Nope, I don't. I think she doesn't.  Frankly I question if she has any sense of a supernatureal, although she did pass a Reiki masterclass according to herself. 

heh.

Well she never took interest until I did, and she only talked about it around me. Trying to impress me, I guess.  Actual loving attention and care, the kind that notices your needs and tries to help fulfil them, that would have impressed me very much indeed.  Why was that impossible but studying me to twist my mind and try and wreck me wasn't?

I may yet be wrecked, anyway.  

WEight with  all clothes is now 122, and with minimal clothes, 120. I'll be hitting sub 20s soon. 

It's a damn sight harder to get past the point your fat is gone.

I do like seeing myself tinymm though.  It feels like the real me. Little elf that slips between the bars of fences, wriggles through small openings, (ostomy  would interfere) and can bend into a pretzel. That's my real me, and the fat me was sick and struggling.

I can circle my wrist and overlap thumb and forefinger, like when I was in my 20s. 

oh, tonight was a misery of belly cramps.  Last night was back cramps.

I ended today's remembering the buscopan I got in 2020 for this very problem.  I mean, it's been going on since before the ostomy and the adhesions and goes back to.... Well my 30s.

The belly stuff.  The twitchy stuff. The muscle cramps and body stiffness.  All of them go back to my 30s.  The heavy fatigue too.  Round about when I finished university. Yeah, so the 90s.  My 30s.  The weird vertigo moments also. I was so confused and grasped at mini strokes and blood pressure issues.

/the lassitude I was convinced was a blood sugar issue, but it also reflects consumption of flare up foods like  non organic grains and legumes and junk in general.

It's not bad if i eat a bit. It's bad when it becomes more than 30% of my diet, and best when it's less than 10%.

MS is an autoimmune disorder.

Over and over again, same issue. Again, it seems to be something they are putting in or on the crops. 

But then MS is older than that stuff, not mine, but my dad's, so it might be a more general toxicity exposure.  He lived in the ehaust of machines all hi adult days, bathed in motor oil and swimming in fumes.  It was his trade, the servicing of machines.  Mechanical engineering, Ships Engineer Officer First Class, Dutch Merchant Marines.

Yeah, so like, he was exposed to a lot of toxins. 

MS might be more generalized.  and the last year I've been bathed in diesel fumes.  Could exasperate the MS if it's triggered by combustion engine exhaust. 

They don't know. 

It's know that it's the immune system making mistakes. Why the system does is less well understood but it is generally acknowleged that environmental factors apply in all autoimmune disorders. whether it's Lupus, arthritis, MS or asthma (which I also get, also sinusitis)

So yeah. Desiree is gaslighting me. 

I can't understand and I'm happy about that because it means I haven't a trace of the bully in me. That makes me love myself more. Which is good.  c'aio, bella.