accepting myself as disabled
So I'm diving into magic thinking here for the pure comfort of it.
I see us getting the keys on april 20th. I see us spending may getting things built or installed and settled in, and emptying the bus.
I see us living in there fully by June.
I cannot see how the deed unfolds. I also, therefor, do not know why I cannot see it.
If I had 500k it would be the bare minimum, allowing me to pay 420k, the magic number, and handle the tax debt, I think. Honestly I don't know what i actually owe. But I am sure the other debts can hang in the wind if I haven't the windfall for them.
At this minimum, employment would pay me instead of them, and the house would be just the dockage fees. Affordable living, as far as this city is concerned.
I keep thinking it might be possible to pay my needs as a B&B since it has a wee guest area with double bed, is gorgeous, and well located for people out to have fun in the city. The marina is fine if you are also living there and charging strangers to stay overnight. Plus I cook great, breakfast might be fun to put on. Aside from the diurnal schedule, but I dunno, maybe they prefer an afternoon coffee break between amusements, more my speed certainly
Something worth studying. If just renting out my guest bed and sharing with people a few nights a week is enough to live on, I'm independant, right? I don't know, of course, what the rates are, or the fees or really any thing at all. Just a nascent idea I'm trying to remember to research.
A lovely woman at the hospital seems to be really thinking of how to actually solve problems for me in a way that feels very caring. She was inquiring about the bus and saying she would be taking care of my bus repair issue. Now I wonder if she's naive or part of a mechanic's family.
She's got that lower class brit face that often shows up in blue collar families so she may well know the right sorts. Plus if it's private property I can sit there wiithout the plates too.
It's hard to hold hope.
It really is. It feels like a rose with thorns. Hope hurts like a bitch when it's dashed. Like a teenage crush and breakup. As many hard kicks as I've had, it's reflexive to try and harden myself to possible failure.
In another insight today I realized I've been disabled just from my back alone since my 30s. If I had complained about it, and they had responded with care and concern, we eventually would have had me on disability way back when, possibly with support. Hard to say. Saskatchewan is stingy af.
See, today the disability advocate was giving me some instruction and I realized it's exactly the opposite of what I normally do.
She said "as soon as it stops being comfortable." For me it's been "when it disables you so completely that you must sit down immediately on the spot, and nothing else counts."
So today, listening to the pain, I realized it's constant, number one, and I actually cannot go more than a few steps before it starts up. I have 2 more days to observe, but the back seems to be playing a bigger role than I realized.
I know one reason I did not think of myself as physically disabled was lack of attention. I mean, what was the doctor supposed to do other than pain killers? I didn't want them. Still don't.
But then there's the fact that I've known since child hood that I have a neurodiversity disability. I didn't have the vocabulary or knowlege to define or express this, but it was clear to me and anyone who had time to get to know me. I never stood a chance on my own. Also, I was categorically not allowed, sociallly, to take pride in my intellect. So I took pride in my athleticism. Such as it was. I didn't run fast or catch things or compete aggressively, but I could sure bend and was light on my feet and fluid in my moves. I still can be. At one point i learned to be very strong and even run for whole stretches. I learned to ride or walk for hours, to dig the earth and haul heavy things and climb high and just push my body. All the while, learning to manage my lower back pain without seeing anyone but a chiropractor.
So it's a source of pride to think of myself as strong, agile, flexible, fast. Not a crippled dude with a cane soldiering on in spite of the pain.
That comes as a shock, sure, but worse, it runs up against my autistic mask, a life habit. I literally tune out all but the most crippling pain when in sight of others. I stand up straight. In fact, when I am alone and notice myself hunching, I imagine someone is watching, and this makes me sit up straight.
Strong, long confident strides, this is my mask.
So watching my body today, and the next couple days, is going to be a whole other mindset.
Like hey, wait a minute, I hurt this much this normally?
Well tomorrow is an at home day when I do not have to go out much, just walk the dogs. I need those rest days.
oh, and my ID got sent to the insurance, so here's hoping I never actually see the bill for my stay. It would upset me regardless who's paying. Big numbers do that.
I have cptsd over math, over money, over being not worth spending for, and etc.
Oh man, just wait till that psych assessment happens.
Oh and the assessments are going to be shared with the disability advocate too, so whatever points I legitimately have should wind up recorded.
At this point the validation matters more than the money which matters a whole lot.