don't feel safe

I don't feel safe.

I don't feel safe in the medical system because I cannot communicate with them.  I thought learning their language would work but it is another barrier. They do not hear me. They aren't listening to my words.  I don't understand it. 

Then there's my complicated relationship to my body. I tell it what.  I do not let it decide.  But it is meanwhile having all manner of issues.  Or is it?  And then there's that complication.   Every doctor on earth seems to think one can make oneself feel incredibly sick without actually being sick, just by mind.  And they all think that's me.

What if they're right?  Well then I simply tell my body to STFU and refuse to accommodate myself.

And pretend the bad days are my fault for not eating right or smoking too much weed or being a miserable person. 

Like I always have done.

Almost always.  Sometimes I am stupid enough to believe the facade of caring extends deeper, and try to access care.

 Then I have trouble remembering why I need anything.  Far as I can recall, everything is blamed on bad choices or imagination. 

I don't even want to talk to the NP at all.  I suspect I won't unless I initiate, and so it could be that easy.  Just drop the subject, and it's dropped.

After all, if there is no medical evidence of a fault, then there is no fault.  If I can't remember or can live with a problem, then it's not a problem.  I am intending to return to paying my body no more mind than I absolutely must.  I will not be wasting his time further. It's clearly more precious than my health concerns.  Which appear to be vapour and madness anyway.

It's a truth, if you self advocate you will never get care.  The medical system only respects it as truth if someone else is reporting it. If you do not have anyone in your home to witness, record in memory, then tell a doctor, it simply did not happen. Not until it's bad enough to be doing permanent visible damage.

Got it?

Unless I am rushed to ambulance by strangers for falling in public, I do not have a problem walking. I do not need a cane or walking stick and fuck it all. If I have to stumble and fall because I had a moment, I fall well. I won't break a hip if I fall judo style.  I'm flexible, remember? I used to dance.  Fuck you, medicine, you're all crazy.  Didn't even fix me when I went in hospital, and now the people who stepped up have done almost nothing.  They got my insurance validated so the bill gets paid.  Whoopdedo, good for you.  

The one person who's been helpful is the disability advocate.  It's what she's paid for.  If the application is denied, that's it for that too.

Really, I need to go back to plan A.  But 3 more weeks. Then I dunno, can I induce a heart attack? Can I induce a stroke?  Can I do this to myself?  How else if not this? Propane stove burner would work too.  Ok. Just need to get the pets out first, and that can be done in 3 wks, or 4. 

I don't want to.  I just don't want to join them on the basement floor of the church.  I want a life, that's not it. Asking too much. I want too much,. therefor I deserve nothing, therefor I should absolutely be a good little waste of skin and waste away properly.  How I wish it was so easy as to say it.  I am not getting help from the system, I am so sure of it.  I just can't communicate my needs well enough and I don't have the energy to keep this up.

If stopping in the middle of every problem to write it down doesnt work,  nothing does.

I just bought 30 eggs.  Fresh baker's chocolate and canned milk.  I won't throw it out again but it will make it harder to cut back enough. I'm too depressed to have an appetite anyway.