Medicine here is not different

No, I'm not okay.
Is it an overreaction or a recognition of a familiar pattern?
Nurse practitioner is not, will not read my symptom diary.
All that fucking suffering for nothing. Now what? I just remember it all?
No, I quit giving a fuck. That's what.
Get my disability and then, you know what?  I'm fucking fine. I don't fucking need anything from anyone. I'm fine.
I'm not fine, I never will be. But so what?  Neither are the homeless guys getting beat up overnight for some sadist's pleasure.
Should I go be one of them, then?  Is that a laudable choice vs giving up? Why?
I do not feel safe, cared for, or heard. I do not feel like I ever will. I'm [issed because I just bought 30 eggs and now I want to go back to starving myself.  I still do not want to sign over my bus to Dan and I still see no indication that anything will change for me.
Lots of kind faces does not equal action and even just getting a disability status with the ministry doesn't look allt hat useful anyway.
Just maybe I'm tired today. I don't know. I am wiped.
I never do anything in haste, anyway, so I can easily just go off my food and back on it.
I tell you what, I still feel shame when I eat as if I  am supposed to starve myself like I said I would.  As if I'm being judged.
Everything feels like judgement anymore.  Am I walking too well? Did I pick up the can and run across the road?  
It's too much to bear. I am not disabled enough for pity nor abled enough for respect.  I'm expected to warehouse myself like some automobile over winter. Ready when wanted but otherwise without needs. 
I just keep getting sicker. And they just keep thinking I"m lying until I just don't want to be there and the pain I'm experiencing is easier to take than the insults. 
I want to call up the NP and tell him to just cancel the prescriptions, requistions, and whatever else.  Just don't bother, I don't care.
I know that's hasty. But by monday, you know, it won't qualify as hasty.  I could just go in and tell them I'm going to ? I don't know how to phrase it, what words, but just "nevermind about my health, I"m going to pretend I"m fine and I do not want to have any more conversations about it."
But then I will just go and work on killing myself,this time without saying anything. 
So Joe, here's the plan. Stop asking for anything. Stop telling anyone anything if they don't ask directly. Stop asking for anything. Tell them you are sure it'll be fine, don't worry about it.
Then do not buy another scrap of food. Eat what's here slowly so you beging to lose weight again. When it runs out, I guess rehome the pets and cry my ass off.
Because this ship is sinking, I"m sure of it. I am not coming across honest and I can't do a damn thing about it and I can't function this way. 
I'm just so damn tired all the time.  
but since nobody gives a fuck if I do anything, who cares if I can or cannot? 

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